HOLIDAY PROBLEM WITH A DEAR FRIEND

[Tartantotty]

Hi all,

I have a dear friend - we've been pals since schooldays and, although very different in all respects, we're very close.

I've been on holiday with her several times (we're both divorced), but it's not been easy for either of us, particularly me. My friend is very forgetful, very slow and lets me do all the graft - booking tickets, map reading, checking times etc. She's also chaotic and indecisive - to be honest, it's hugely frustrating and takes the pleasure out of the holiday or me.

Every year she asks me: 'Where are we going this summer?'. Given that our holiday choices are very different and that I have other friends who're fun to travel with, I try to gently steer her away from the question, but she 's persistent...

Basically, I don't want to hurt her feelings by saying that I don't want to go on holiday with her. I've given her some gentle excuses (on a budget this year etc, limited time off work etc), but she won't take 'no'. All advice welcome. Thanks.

Sounds like she's not taking "no" for an answer as you haven't actually said no, just given various excuses. If you don't want to hurt her feelings but she isn't taking the hint, I think you need to sacrifice either her feelings or your holiday!

I'd just book something you actually want to do and say that's what you've done next time she mentions it.

Don't make excuses, sit down and have an honest conversation with her about why you don't want to go on holiday with her, maybe she doesn't realise and it will make her change her behaviour.

Can't do it this year sorry. Just don't have the money./

If you don’t want to address it, you could say that other plans came up and therefore you can’t afford another holiday this year.

If you want to address it, then tell her you don’t find holidays relaxing when you are planning everything, making all the arrangements etc, so you’ve made other plans this year. You’d love to look at booking something in the future if she’s able to take turns with all the organising etc.

This is great advice OP.

Just to add that maybe she assumes you love organising?! For example I love planning holidays so my DH always lets me crack on. If I suddenly got fed up of it he wouldn’t have a clue, unless I told him. So could it be that initially you were happy to do it and have changed over time? In that case I would definitely tell her.

Could you just say something along the lines of "sorry, but I've already agreed to go to X with Y and my finances aren't going to stretch to a second holiday".

Have another back-up just in case she is persistent and puts you on the spot (I also need to replace my car/replace my boiler etc).

Be firm.

Agree that more straight talking needed. “Sorry Jackie I won’t be going on holiday with you this year - maybe we can do a weekend in Bournemouth next year?

Say, “I can’t decide. Why don’t you organise it all this year and surprise me?” If she’s as hopeless as you describe, no holiday will ever materialise and you’ll be off the hook

I also have a friend where I do ALL the organising/ideas, she agrees and we go, drives me mad!

Luckily it's only ever a weekend/2nights, but that's enough!

I am too gutless to confront so I make excuses. You see she goes away a lot with others however, it's not just her and one other (like us) it's always more and they do all the work, and she's happy to go along with that. That's fine for her but not for me and I'm totally fed up of it, so it's an excuse now😳

Same, sometimes my husband has no clue where we are off to until he looks at the departure board at Gatwick.

I'd say thanks for asking but so and so has asked me to go on holiday this year. I've accepted and this is an only holiday within my budget. I hope you enjoy your holiday. And then change the subject.

Just say you’re unsure about what you’re doing this summer, and you don’t want to mess her around and it’s better for her to sort something for herself…

Just be vague.
"I dunno, haven't thought about it"
" so busy haven't had a chance to look at anything "

If she's that rubbish at booking or organising the summer will soon be over before she's noticed !

@Tartantotty - what about, dear friend, I won’t be organising a holiday this year as I want a break from the additional workload it represents. So unless you want to have a turn and plan and book it all its not happening.

Thanks everyone. I told her that I couldn't afford a hol this year and then she offered to pay (she has the money). Ahhhhg!

I then gently told her that she and I have very different ideas on what we want from a holiday, so best to plan a weekend away together, here in the UK, and sometime next spring. She wasn't too happy, but at least I feel that the air has now been cleared and hopefully we can move on.

Can you be honest and reflect first on whether you are a controlling and impatient person?

I work with a boss who is (and understands he is, which is lucky). But I am a brilliant organiser but still sit back and let him ask me to do stuff because in the past when I've been a self starter he's asked me not to be and pass everything first through him. Then, a few weeks ago, frustrated,he said "I feel like I'm the only one running the show sometimes". Well, err, yes.....that's how it works!

So try and be honest with yourself first. It maybe she would be happy to do her bit but if you are controlling and impatient, then you may not be bringing out the best in her!

This! get her to organise, it will probably never happen, and if it does, she will realise how much work goes into it.