DH just upset he doesn’t see DD alone?

[Jessie34]

DH has young DD from previous relationship. We have DS together just turned 1. Nearly every weekend/ school holiday his DD comes to stay and we all go out together as a family.
Just now, in an argument he yelled that he couldn’t ‘parent’ his DD properly because I am always ‘there’ and he wishes he just spent more time alone with her.
I totally understand because we always spend weekends together as a family but I just automatically thought that was what we are all happy with. Now I feel rubbish.
He said he feels he can never just take DD out alone as it’s as though he’s leaving me and baby out. I suggested to just start taking her out alone then, I’m happy to make separate plans sometimes.
He now doesn’t want to talk about it.

What do I do now?!!

The nrp guilt.

It is a real thing ime.

You talk. What kind of family balance does he want? Are you happy with that? Then go from there.

Then he needs to look for activities that she would enjoy, but which wouldn’t be any fun for a one year old and arrange to take her there sometimes.

Swimming, soft play, pottery painting, horse riding, funfair, childrens theatre, football watching or taking part, seaside, a long walk, bike rides. I am sure he can think of a few more.

Suggest mixing it up. He can take both kids occasionally, he can take one to his parents, you can take them both sometimes.
Suggest he take the baby while you do something girly with his dd.

Just mix it up.

What isn't ok is for him to routinely opt out of family life to spend time with just one child.

Leave it for tonight, let the emotions die down.
Have a proper talk when things are calm and you have a bit of time, about what he wants the weekends to look like, and what would feel reasonable to you. Find a compromise.

He's obviously being unreasonable in this moment, but I imagine he's feeling guilty and pulled in different directions (and possibly tired at the end of a long week?).

Don’t feel rubbish. He hasn’t told you this before now so you didn’t know. Now you do. Have a chat tomorrow with clear heads. In the meantime think about things you can do with your ds . Can you go to any groups or family /friends etc. he also needs to plan days with his dd .

He doesn't get to yell at you, blame you and then not discuss it.
Set it aside for tonight but he needs to actually talk about it at some point because how else will it get resolved?

I don't see how you being there makes it impossible to parent his own daughter btw... did he blame his ex for the same thing? Or did he not bother parenting her at all and left it to mum and now doesn't know how to dad?

Nearly every weekend/school holiday??

When does his DDs mum get to spend leisure time with her child?

Agree that mixing it up is the answer. He should have some time alone with his older child, and some time alone with his younger child, and some time with all of you together and some time with you and him and your younger child without the older child there as she is with her mum.

Is he pining for 1:1 time alone with son, too? I’d be suggesting he take some one on one time with his daughter on the weekends she’s there and an equal amount with his son on the weekends she’s not, and I’d be off doing some solo self care stuff whilst he does.

Come up with a structured compromise and enforce it.
because otherwise he is going to try and turn this around and make you the villain at some point because most men can’t solve their own problems or accept they are at fault.

so agree he takes he Dd swimming alone and for brunch Sunday (or whatever)
Insist he does something with your child solo at some other time l. This is important it should be equal…

you have 1:1 time with your child when he is with his dd and when he takes your DS you get a break and go for a run get lunch with a friend… whatever

You do nothing. It is his guilt to feel and his problem to fix. If he is not happy with the relationship he has with his daughter, then he can fix it.

You'll be wrong for whatever you suggest or do. So just leave him to get on with it.

I'm surprised you didn't think this is something he would why and also that he hasn't spoken up before.

His DD comes to see him and it sounds like she doesn't get alone time with her dad.

Do something with your son next weekend and leave him with his daughter for a few hours. Or when he's calmer, suggest that he does daddy/daughter dates.

If she always has to be with all of you, she may get fed up in a few years and stop coming over.

The fact that you've written this post, shows that you care and haven't done this intentionally.

Stepparenting has it's challenges.

It's easier for him to blame you, than for him to take responsibility.

he's an adult, he has a tongue in his head.

it's not your fault he hasn't said anything!!

Don't feel guilty or take responsibility for just simply existing!!

Leave it for tonight, try to calmly discuss it tomorrow, but if he's still refusing to, then 'have words' and tell him dumping on you & refusing to discuss it is NOT ON!!

Any idea what's brought it on tonight??

Honestly. Make plans for the next time she's due to yours and leave him to it.
Experience says he'll like a rabbit caught in the headlights.

I stepped away for loads of reasons but I was told one weekend that I always gave her food she didn't hit like so I handed the cooking for her one day a weekend as mine were out back to him. The stress and panic that followed I ignored

Is it just the easier older child he wants 1:1 time with?
and is there a reason he was unable to address this calmly and politely, rather than bowing up at you or expecting you to read his mind? And is there any reason he can’t speak to you about it now that you’ve offered a solution. He said what he wants, you said ok, he’s still not happy.
he sounds incredibly childish based on this one situation, is that usual for him?

i don’t think it’s reasonable for him to leave you and 1 year old every weekend for extended periods of time, but a couple of hours here n there with his dd, a few hours with both of them without you, and sometime with all 4 of you sounds reasonable

Surely he should just take her out. This doesn’t have to be a big discussion. Dh and I have 2 dc who live with us all the time. We regularly take them out individually to do things with just one of them. We take them away on holiday individually sometimes too. He sounds like he’s being a bit of a wet fish here. My guess is that it’s often just been easier to do things together because he didn’t have to do as much parenting and now he’s gotten in a rut and is being moody about it now that you have a baby and it’s actually harder to do things as a foursome.

How does he want to spend time with her? Swimming, at the park, cinema, play board games perhaps? You need to offer space for them to be one to one as well as him one to one with ds and you all be a family unit. Does he attend school events etc for her?

A big thumbs up for this.

it is a VERY good idea.
especially given he is being a child and won’t discuss it.

say nothing in advance pack your child up after breakfast leave at 9 come back at 5 or 6 and have an easy family dinner ready to go.
do something nice with your child too.

what an asshat 😒

Why is she there every weekend and holiday? Where is mum's weekend with her? Every minute of your social time she's there... And your DH is complaining that you aren't bowing out of it?

Every other weekend and one tea in the week would be better. So the poor girl doesn't feel like she's constantly palmed off by her mother, and your son gets equal dedicated time, without the other sibling.

I think you’ve hit the nail on head with this.

Yes I think that needs to be discussed.

This. Exactly, it’s that simple to me. I really love the idea of mixing it up. Definitely something I am going to bring up.

Is it perhaps driven by something his DD may have said to him? About wanting time with just him...or perhaps a comment from his ex?

How old is his dd?
There's probably lots of things a primary aged child would love doing that are unsuitable for a one year old.
It doesn't have to be full day things, short activities to start with until they find something she likes best.