How to come back together after drifting apart

[AutumnVariations]

Myself and my husband have been together almost 8 years, have two children and both work full time. I have been dealing with a serious illness for the past year (and other health issues before that) and it’s meant that my husband has had to take on alot with our children and myself. I’ve felt so unwell I’ve not been the most affectionate, and he understands, has never moaned about it and respects me wholeheartedly. We also have some financial struggles due to my time off needed for my illness. We sadly have drifted apart though because of this. He’s dealing with alot, and I’m trying my best to help where I can with our children but it’s just the way things are right now. I’m wondering how people get back from drifting apart in these uncontrollable circumstances? It’s not like we’re arguing or anything has happened but we just feel very separate.

This has happened to me the other way, my DH has been ill and I have been taking a lot of the responsibility. There comes a point where you sort of tip from being lover to carer and resentment can start to creep in or you stop communicating emotionally and everything becomes practical.

Have you spoken to your DH about how you feel, have you discussed other help available or whether he has any needs that are being ignored? How well do you communicate?

I think the only way really is to spend some time reconnecting, setting aside some time to just purely focus on each other and rebuilding your relationship that way.

The only issue you may have with that is of course it is a lot of effort and if your husband is already under a lot of pressure and juggling a lot of balls then adding another one is going to be difficult for him and at the moment he may just not have the capacity to commit to that. Could you plan something, even just a meal for you two?

We’re pretty good communicators. We let each other know how we’re feeling at most point. Sometimes it does take him a little longer to open up as he feels he should just “get on with it”. With the resentment he felt guilty for feeling that way due to it being uncontrollable, but I said to him it’s perfectly valid way to feel especially with having to do quite a lot for our children himself. He gets up with them in the mornings (normally 5am) as my medications mean I’m not able to just get up. I try to give him a lay in one day on a weekend, but I feel it’s not enough but I cant change it. I did suggest getting a carers assessment but he feels it’s his job as a husband and father - but I try to explain this isn’t normal and he shouldn’t have to do this alone, if we had support from the services maybe things would be better.

Also the intimacy is missing, I’ve struggled with pain and fatigue a lot in the past 8 months and it’s just led to me not wanting to at all. I feel incredibly guilty, like you describe it’s all practical right now. We’re also open about this, he understands and is very supportive which just makes me feel worse for him. Although I’m missing it to I become scared of the pain.

It’s one thing we struggle with at the moment as between our jobs, the kids, my hospital visits and the housework were so exhausted by the evening that we just sleep. We try to do a date night once a month, but we end up talking about the kids or my illness and no matter how much we try not to it’s hard to keep away from those subjects. It’s usually me who plans date nights because I always know how much he has on his plan and I want him to know how grateful I am. He’s a really incredible man.

I think just stay being honest with each other that this is a really difficult time. And that you know you can't be the best partners to each other right now but you know things will improve. Long term relationships go through many phases. You both sound pretty open and honest which is a great start. And he sounds very patient which is good too. One date night a month is pretty good going to be honest, keep that up!

Thank you for saying this, I’m feeling a lot of guilt right now and maybe you’re right, this is just a phase and we’ll get through it. He is incredibly patient and supportive, I try to be the same for him on days where it’s all too much and he’s a little short with me. Just putting each other in the others shoes help us, I guess I’m just missing the old us where things weren’t so serious.

Hi! I pop in here sometimes with channeled advice. I find the answers from within are always better than from the mind stuck within our limited circumstances. I will say that I went through this and battled it out for 5 years until the relationship fell apart. It was exhausting. I find so much comfort in the answer from my highest intelligence that follows. I asked, "What advice do you have for the collective within the circumstance of wanting to get back after drifting apart from illness, financial challenge, business with kids, etc?"

The answer: The face of destiny unfolds when you find yourself deep in the challenge. This is where you find who you are, where you wish to begin anew, and where you will find grace in the grapple of the energy you’re currently facing. This is not your “doing” per se, not your fault. But these challenges are for you, created by you, in order for you to see the dynamics you’re currently living in as a means to personal growth. These energies exist because the way you have lived your life has been going against your true nature. Ask yourself how you have been living that goes against your current value system. Where have you lost your way, in terms of who you have known yourself to be in the best of circumstances? Who do you wish to be, as you see people who you’re inspired by?

This is how you find your way back to equilibrium. Back to happiness. But do not expect your partner to go with you. That is his journey. We hope you find your way together. But do not need to fight it out; thank you for not doing that now. It won’t help.

Do your work with him and it will dignify the relationship, lifting him up as well. You will find health, virtue, and ease in flow through all of the burdens you are currently blocked by.

Intimacy doesn’t need to be sex it can be sitting holding hands watching TV or a cuddle in bed or holding each other while you’re talking about what to have for dinner in the kitchen. Skin to skin without any expectation.

is your illness longer term have you claimed PIP? You could use that to pay for a cleaner, can you have your shopping delivered? A carer assessment for your DH as well as yourself can identify help and you don’t have to take up the offer.

Guilt is not healthy for either of you, and carer burn out is common. Do you both get support at work? These are all practical things but it’s hard to find time to connect with busy lives. Is there light at the end of the tunnel is there someone to take the DCs, for a few hours, how old are they?