When you raise something with your DP and they make out they are being attacked

[TimoteiChaletpants]

Does this behaviour have a name?

if I ever raise something with DP he always plays the victim card. One tame example: he asked me a question and I got 3 words into the explanation and he finished my sentence incorrectly. I said something like ‘no and if you let me finish then you’ll know the answer’. He told me that he was just making conversation, and he’s not even allowed talk etc. when actually I think it was rude of him to talk over me.

This Only happens occasionally, but each time I raise a ‘complaint’ with him it is instantly dismissed and I am told he is being berated or that he can’t say or do anything. I feel in his eyes nothing I am concerned about in our relationship is legitimate and then becomes a discussion about the way I am treating him

Absolutely drives me nuts! And so many men I know do this!
There's actually a social media channel with a male counselor who gets the message spot on. His name is Jimmy Knowles and his channel is Jimmy on Relationships.

He talks (mostly to men) about how to validate your partners emotions and how to be a safe space for her to deliver her message, and what happens when you don't do that in a relationship. Love watching him, so spot on.

I’ll check it out thanks

Sounds like deflection. See also DARVO.

Thanks for this tip 🥰
I honestly thought I was the only one this happened to, although this relationship is the only time I've had to deal with this particular behaviour.

You're misunderstanding each other - he feels berated, you feel not listened to.

The only way to resolve it is to sit down and have a calm discussion about it where you both hear each other without trying to be defensive and then come to an agreement about how to deal with it. The problem is, if he won't have a conversation, or jumps straight to defence, it might be impossible to get past it.

In that case, you can accept this about him and let it go, or decide that it's a dealbreaker.

Have had this too. I ask them, that given x is something Im experiencing as a problem, how would they like me to raise it so they don't feel attacked.

My ex husband was completely incapable of having any conversation where he perceived the slightest criticism.

It meant that issues were never resolved, he thought they were solved because he shut me down but ultimately I became resentful.

When we split up he said you should have told me you were unhappy

er…I tried?

Yes it’s called covert narcissism.

I was also going to suggest Jimmy on Relationships. He's great with things like this.

Rejection sensitive dysphoria is a thing.
DP thinks I raise my voice if he perceives a criticism and asks me not to be aggressive. I'm a very calm, placid communicator so I know I'm not speaking loudly, but that's how he hears it; basically anything stating a boundary. V tiresome.

This sounds exactly like my husband.

Yup DARVO. My narcissistic ex did it every time, to the point where I would try to keep my feelings stuffed down because I knew that if I raised any issue he’d turn it around on me for “attacking” him. But he’d sense I was upset even when I tried not to be, so I’d say no, I don’t want to get into it because we’ll end up in an argument, I’m just tired or annoyed about something, it’s not important. Then he’d push and needle until I told him and then flip put that I was always attacking him. So tiresome. Put up with it for 10 years but when he got physically aggressive in retaliation that was the end.

@Yetanothernamechangeagain and @Nylla , I guess we were all married to the same man. My exH was EXACTLY like this. He could not accept one word of criticism, without feeling deeply and personally attacked. It was exhausting to live with, although now, after ten years without him, I can reflect on how bloody weird his behaviour was!

We‘re in the middle of moving house and when I finally raised the fact that I have done everything, but everything, to arrange it and I would really need his help for the final few days he turned it around and told me he could see this was going to be an issue I would bang on about for 20 years portraying myself as a victim. I do think DARVO might be his middle name. Jesus it’s tiresome.

@AdultHumanFemale I so could've written your post that I'm amazed it's not under my username.

Yes, it's called DARVO, which stands for deny, attack, reverse victim and offender.
It is a manipulation tactic. If it's only occasional he might be able to stop if he gets therapy. You should insist on that. It will become more frequent over time if he gets away with it.
Is the reason it's only occasional because you only occasionally bring up issues?
My ex did this towards the end of our marriage. It's impossible to communicate with somebody who deals with problems this way.