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[LilacCatt]

Hi all,

Just looking for.. well, I don't know what really.

Mid thirties woman. Unsure if I want kids. Newly single.

I have an online date next weekend. The guy is really handsome and we share some niche interests. He lives down south. One of my friends lives there so I'm going to visit her and meeting him for a date at the same time.

He has been consistently pursuing me with texts every weekend etc for about a month.

I was excited to go.

Now with just a week left I'm just starting to feel like I don't know whether to go or not.

Thoughts in my head...
He's so attractive, he must have loads of options...
He's so intelligent, he's going to think I'm really uneducated....
What if our humour isn't the same?
What if I like him and he doesn't like me?

I was dumped in my last relationship. And I'm glad, actually.

But. The thought of starting all over again is daunting. It's really hitting me that I don't really know anything about this guy!! He's a stranger.

I don't know if I want to go.

Will someone please share their thoughts and perhaps encourage me?

Feeling a bit down because I am going to a friend's wedding tomorrow. I'm so looking forward to it and I'm so happy for them.

But it shines the light on my gaping relationship hole. I wanted to marry my ex and he lead me on and changed his mind. That's the only relationship I've had. 3 years ish.

I feel self conscious because I think I'm a bit of an odd ball and I feel like no one will ever want to marry me. But then, that makes me wonder if I even want to get married!

I don't know what I want.

Deep breath, love. You'll have a nice trip with your friend and if the date is mediocre at least you'll know. Remember that you have to date frogs before you meet a prince.

How come no texts during the week?

If you go in thinking he's too good for you - you're asking to be used and hurt!
How far away from you is he? Is a relationship realistic?? If so, meet him in a safe place, and if you don't get on then be prepared to walk.

Just be a bit wary - people will often block the practical sensible issues about whether it's likely to work, because the new date thing is exciting, challenging. So don't let yourself be blinded by this, and be aware he may be doing the same - take your time before you invest!

And have fun 😀

If you go in thinking he's too good for you - you're asking to be used and hurt!

exactly this

I'm not sure, I think we both don't want to be tethered to our phones too much. It's too much pressure. I quite like the arrangement but haven't voiced that.
I think it might have started when I was a bit busy to text once

It's a 4hour drive.
I guess that is not practical.
However it is a place I do like to visit, and my oldest friend since childhood lives there....I think it would be genuinely nice to date someone there.. Many years ago I dated briefly someone 2 hours away, and I was sad that I didn't like him, because I loved where he lived haha.

I have had itchy feet lately. I'm bored of my hometown but would like to keep my home here as a base to visit frequently... I start a new job in September which is only 6months temporary and then god knows what after that. My life feels very unsettled right now.

I'm a good, fun person. But I'm very aware of my downsides. And I'm very aware that sometimes I feel very lonely! I've lived alone for nearly 10 years and have seen old friends move away and get married etc...

Thanks for the replies, by the way. Maybe I just need to get a grip and have a potentially fun Saturday afternoon as you say.

4 hours? Come on girl, get your head back on!
See him if all you want is occasional uncommitted fun - if not, it's going to end badly for you, as that's what you'll be for him.
There's got to be options closer to home that stand as much chance of giving you what you want (when you work out what that is, of course).
To be honest, I'd worry that you seem a bit vulnerable right now

I hear you. And I do agree, I think I feel a bit vulnerable right now.

On the other hand, I feel kinda bored and like I want to do something a bit just.. DIFFERENT

Is 4 hours that crazy? I mean. I dunno.. is it? 2 hours didn't seem so bad at all when I did that.

Does life have to always be so sensible 🥹

4 hrs away seems absolutely crazy to me and you need to be careful here as you could end up getting hurt again.

How handsome or beautiful a human being happens to be is really just about the least interesting and least impressive thing about them (unless it really is their best feature in which case there's nothing there). Stop putting people on a pedestal for this totally unearned quality.

Definitely go for the date and just enjoy it. It doesn’t have to lead anywhere. Sometimes it’s good just to have some dates to get back into it.
I think everyone sometimes feels like they are a bit different so try not to overthink that side of things.

4 hours? Sorry but that would be a non-starter for me

The way to approach a date is to go in thinking about if you like him - not the other way around!

Give him a score of 100 in your mind. Knock 10 points off for being so far away. Knock points off for anything he says or does that makes you feel a bit weird or question him.

If he's still scoring near 90 and he asks you out again, do it.

If he's scoring below 60, definitely ditch him.

Dating can be fun but if you want to meet good people, you have to have clear boundaries and know what you want. Scoring sounds a bit cynical but it's a good way to keep your head.

Thank you so much all. I really feel like I was struggling mentally today for whatever reason. I've spent the evening with my old pals of 15+ years ahead of the wedding and they have had me in stitches all night, I am so grateful for them, and also for you internet strangers who give wise guidance so freely. Thank you so much!

I didn't think about the future potential date all evening.
I may go, I may not. Either way, I've arranged to see my childhood friend on the Sunday. The date would theoretically be on the Saturday. So we'll see.

Weirdly my ex got in touch today wanting another chance... Again. I'm not going back there after the blow my mental wellbeing has taken. No siree.

If I do go on the date, it will be in the afternoon. There won't be any funny business etc so at least for the first, possibly only, date I feel my heart would be protected- if I do indeed go. I'll decide next Friday.

I love the scoring system, thanks!

Currently I am just feeling so grateful for my lovely friendships. I may be unlucky in love, but I am very fortunate in that regard. Lovely people.

Yeah, somehow you've got your head all backwards. You are going to see what he's like and yes, whether you like his humour, and if anything clicks, and there's no pressure on you at all... Start with self-respect as you mean to go on. Cos actually4hrs away isn't very practical and without huge effort he can at best be a flirtation/fuck buddy in that city, when you get there.
You spent a beautiful evening with friends. You are valued and valuable. New people don't get to share in that unless they're right. For you.

This is the perfect scenario to flex those rusty dating muscles!

He lives so far away that if he doesn't float your boat you can blame the distance and back out gracefully.

TBH, that distance would put me off regardless, but, like you say, you have a friend who lives that way so no harm in going on one date whilst you're there.