How to help DS have a relationship with his DGF

[TheMallard]

I’ve been NC with my father since October. I’m comfortable with that decision.

DS(10) said yesterday that he misses him. He’s sad because he’s only got one DGP on my side. We normally see my father twice a year, including the summer holidays, as he’s so far away.

How do I help DS have a relationship with his grandfather? There’s no concerns about safety, the NC is purely down to things my father said to me.

For completeness- my DM died 3 years ago, she and my father had been divorced for decades. DS has 3 lovely DGPs on DH’s side.

If you have not already done so I would give your DS the age appropriate truth re your father and why you decided on going no contact with him. Keep all explanations short and to the point. It seems like your DS also has an idealised version of his grandfather given also how little he has visited him.

If a parent or relative is too toxic or difficult for YOU to deal with, its the SAME deal for your child too. He could also use your child to get back at you as his daughter all too easily.

I would therefore further concentrate on these other relatives on your H's side if they are nicer and importantly emotionally healthy.

@AttilaTheMeerkat he already knows. He overheard my sister telling our father to apologise for calling me “a silly little bitch”. We told Ds once I’d made the decision that instead of apologising when I asked him too, Grandad sent an email saying lots of really mean things about Mummy.

I think DS probably does have an idealised version of Granddad in his head. He is clearly loved, but my father never made much effort at interacting with DS when we visited,

I was thinking of setting up an email address for DS to email him, but we read all emails first and it stops at the first sign of anything trying to get back at me.

You’re probably right about him being too toxic for DS sadly.

I would not set up an email address for your DS to email him. Do not open this pandora's box because it is bloody difficult to close once opened.

Again if your father is too difficult or toxic for YOU to deal with, it is really the same deal for your DS as well.

You are the parent. You get to make these decisions without apology or excessive justification. You can assure your child that you are making a wise and loving decision for them as well as yourself. I am not going to script what you should say because you are the only one who knows your children, but you must convey that this isn't up for negotiation. This is not a decision that the child gets to make. Yes, children usually love their grandparents. Children are often quite indiscriminate in their love which is why they need parents to guide them. Not every person is safe to have around and this is a good time to teach that important life lesson. The more matter-of-fact you are, the more matter-of-fact your children will be. When we act hysterical, they will usually reflect our hysteria. If you act anxious, they will act anxious. If you appear unsure, they will push. Model the reaction and attitude you want your children to adopt.

I see your point @AttilaTheMeerkat . Thank you for your wise words.

I also have to remember that when I made the decision to go NC, part of my thought process was “he’s never been much of a grandfather to DS.”

Based on my father’s attitude towards me, I can easily see it being fine until DS says something that be construed as not respecting his grandfather.