Do I forgive?

[Helenab7]

Sorry for the long message.

About a month ago I snapped physically and emotionally with my partner. I woke up at two in the morning and he was touching me sexually, I pushed him off but he kept trying to continue when I had to the wake up to actually tell him no he continued moaning about how long it had been and could I just give him a BJ etc for 30 minutes. I was tempted to give in as sometimes I have before but I didn't and since looked online and read a lot about sexual coercion that all fit. I'd often felt like I needed to keep up with a certain quota of sex to stop him moaning and hold the relationship together, I realise now how damaging this was to me.

His behaviour has not been consistent in the past, he has been prone to nasty outbursts and being personally nasty directed mostly at me but sometimes our son, 6. Other times he can be really loving.

I haven't touched him now for a month but he is still here living with me and our two children (6+1) telling me how he understands now, he will change, he will never do these behaviours again, he loves me, he wants us to be a family, crying saying he is hurting so much. It's really wearing me down not knowing what to do.

Wondering if anyone has any similar experiences or advice. Do you think someone can change? If they can is it possible to work towards them being your safe place again?

I don't think someone who sexually assaults you in your sleep can ever be your "safe place". You can't trust him. He doesn't see you as an equal adult worthy of respect; if he did, it would never have crossed his mind to help himself to your body without your consent.

You are either the type that abuses or you're not. Has it not given you the ick? I'd be done.

No. He sexually assaulted you, and sounds awful in other ways too.

Sexually assaults you, verbally abuses you and your son.

Not something I'd be willing to risk a minute more of. That is who he is. It's ok for you to say No, not for me, not for my children.

Unfortunately, people don't usually change.

He's really upped his game in terms of looking after the children, the house, his attitude, it makes it so hard to leave and I feel torn.

He will be like this until you cave in, then he will be back to normal.

Any fool can pick up a duster and do a good impression of someone who doesn't want to get kicked out by his wife for a bit.

I personally wouldn't be willing to stick around and risk it.

This is the bare minimum of what he should always have been doing as a husband and a father.

Are you really willing to settle for someone who sexually assaulted you, verbally abuses you and your child and does the bare minimum ONLY when he's panicking that you'll leave him?

A sex offender and child abuser is not fit to be in society. Get your kids away from this monster. Contact RapeCrisis centre and Womens Aid.

He sexually assaulted you. You didn't consent. You can't forgive this. You aren't safe in your own home and in your own bed. His behaviour is unforgivable it's also criminal.

m.youtube.com/watch?v=pZwvrxVavnQ

So he sexually assaults, coerces you and abuses you and your child but hey he does a bit of childcare and hoovering so it’s all ok.

No it’s fucking not ok. If you don’t do it for yourself, then do it for your poor child who you’re allowing to be abused and bullied by this man.

It won’t get better. Hes playing the game to prolong his abusive of you. Once he thinks you’re back onside, the shot will start again.

He’s progressed from coercing you to actually assaulting you. What’s next?

He is abusive to you and your small son. Kick him out. He should be in prison for what he’s done. He’s gross, sick and dangerous.

You need to differentiate between 'real' behaviour changes and short term actions that are just to get a specific reward. Anyone can do the latter, the former is tougher. Guess it's good that he wants you to give him sex willingly rather than force you, but if you don't want it.......

Hes a disgusting piece of shit. I would throw him out.

☝️

But why? It’s all fake and will stop as soon as you give in. In fact it should make you even more disgusted with a man like this - he DOES know how ‘good people’ act then, he just CHOOSES to be lazy and selfish when he can get away with it, as well as a sexual abuser.

Tell him to leave or you’ll report his sexual assaults to the police.

F

He sexually assaulted you...
No I wouldn't forgive.
Deep down he is capable of sexual assault. It doesn't matter what he says now.
He will do it again if he thinks he has you back.
He didn't see enough of an issue not to do it at the time.
Grim.

I'm going to go against the majority here and say you should stay. Not saying you should forgive but make it clear if he really is willing to change you are willing to give it a go, but be true to yourself and leave if he does this again. For the sake of your children i think you should give him a chance to change

That he is behaving himself now shows that he always knew how to. He was getting away with what he could. The big question is - is this an act and will he revert to previous bad behaviour or did he learn a valuable lesson and he has really changed.

There is no easy answer to this and there is complexity to how you will feel about it OP. So difficult when you are trying to do the best for your kids and what he is doing now is behaving himself and being the parent and partner he should be (and should always have been). You are within your rights to end it now. You might choose to be generous and give him a chance. If you do try to make a go of it, be alert to him slipping back to bad behaviour and be ready to act.

I pushed him off but he kept trying to continue

Please don't tell a woman to stay with an abusive man. OP recognises that he is sexually coercive and abusive. Don't convince her he isn't. You're wrong. Not a difference of opinion, just wrong.