How often should babys father have her

[Caw2024]

Hi everyone
I'm 28, female & have a 5 month old baby girl

My ex (babys father) is 29

We split up about 3 months ago due to his behaviour but that's another topic of conversation!

He still wants to be in babys life which is great and in all fairness he's a good dad to our baby.

Anyways I had to quit my job when we had the baby to be a full time mum and he still Contined working obviously. Since the split up he wants to have the baby every other day. Which means for me every other day I'm having to be home by certain times of day for him to pick up baby. He finishes work different times every day as he is a builder, it could be 2 in the afternoon, it could be 5 in the evening. I'm constantly having to rush home to his demand "I want my daughter now I've finished work I'm not waiting around all day!"

I'm finding it too much him having her every other day (most people would probably like this) but I'm finding its getting in the way of MY life and personally I'd have an easier day keeping my daughter with me, than rushing home to be ready and waiting for him!

I would much prefer if he had her let's say 2 days a week but for a longer time let's say, maybe even an over night and then few hours the next day.

Am I being selfish and hard work? Or do I have a point

What do you guys think, and if you guys co parent how do you do it? How often do your children's fathers have the kids?

It sounds like the issue is less about how often he's seeing his daughter and more the lack of an agreed schedule. It's unreasonable of him to simply demand to see DD whenever it suits him. He doesn't get to boss you around and force you to change your plans at the drop of a hat.

I'd probably start from something like all day Saturday plus Wednesday from 4pm to 7pm. How do you think that would go down with him?

You need a schedule, is not up to him when he wants to see her including the hour at short notice. Things doesn't work like that.
You need to set up a routine and if he doesn't agree you can go to mediation.

2 days at a time sounds fine. And I think it makes sense to have an agreed schedule as others have said.

If he wants 50:50 and you are ok with that, it needs to be on a schedule that suits you both.

Might also enable you to find work when you finish your maternity leave.

Agree with the others, you need an agreed schedule. It’s great that he’s stepping up and wanting good amounts of contact but you can’t just drop everything when ever he wants.

I tried to set days before and he was ok with it until he would have a day off work and then demand "I want the baby today as I have a day off work and I could see her for longer than I usually do"

I can see where he is coming from, when he finishes work and sees baby he doesn't actually get that long with her.. but that isn't my problem, he can't start sending me aggressive messages because HE has a day off work and wants his daughter

She’s so tiny. Poor little thing being demanded like she’s an object. She’s not a pile of bricks being delivered.

Stand your ground. Set up a proper schedule.

I actually don't think either of you are being reasonable. At her age contact should be little and often. I think 3 days a week for 2/3 hours is sufficient. You need a set schedule. I would ask him what day and time work best for him. You could agree Tues, Thurs evening after work x o'clock - x o'clock and a day over the weekend for maybe slightly longer.i wouldn't give into DEMANDS. While its nice that he wants to be involved he doesn't get to demand that you change your schedule on his whims.

Nope, if he has an impromptu day off, that's just tough, he can do something else. He's basically saying he wants her as much as you, so he doesn't have to pay cm, while forcing you to not be able to work. He's forcing you into poverty. Your role in life is not to enable him to have a job at your own expense. You have as much right to work as he does.
Co-parents, tend to arrange set times around each others work and the slack is taken up by childcare. If he works Mon to Friday, your DC could be in nursery while you work, and as 5pm seems the latest he does, he could easily pick her up from nursery any day you work, while you do the drop offs in the morning. That is mutually beneficial.
Then either alternate weekends when your DC is older, or one day each at the weekend.
Fact is, you can expect to see your DC's less if you are a working parent whether together or not, that's life, so don't be soft about enabling him to see his DC whenever he has a spare moment.

I think this is not only because he wants to see the baby. I think there is a big element of control.
Reasonable people would do reasonable requests. He is/doing neither of them.

He is enjoying making you dance to his tune. She's very little still and he seems erratic. Set out a schedule of one or two evenings during the week, starting not before 5pm, and half a day at weekends.

Yeah, this is ridiculous. YOu are at his beck and call?

No, he can agree times. If he is going to have unexpected time off, he can ask you if it's conveninent and you can agree/not agree. But he doesn't get to insist on whatever he wants, whenever he wants.

Agree a current schedule and stick to it. Doesn't mean you can't be flexible, but does mean you don't have to accomodate him whenever he wants.

Also, what does this time with the baby entail? Are you having to be there as well or can he have her independently? Because I'd be a bit concerned that you're having to spend hours/days with an ex.

He has her independently, he will take her to visit his family so that they can see baby. He watches TV with her. He's bought her a play mat and toys for when she's over his house. He does his own thing which does give me that break.

One thing that bothers me though is he constantly wants video calls with me when I have her in my care so he can see/speak to the baby (a 5 month old) I do not ask for this while she is in his care.. I leave them have time together

He is kind of invading my space

Having a schedule works both ways.
The visitation times are set. If one of you can't make it on the moment you're supposed to have her, it's your job to find suitable childcare for her. If one of you has extra time off, you're not entitled to additional time with her. It's really very simple.
This benefits you both because of the structure and clarity, but it benefits the child most of all, who doesn't get yanked back and forth whenever it pleases (one of) her parents.

He is using your baby to abuse you op.

Set a fair schedule and refuse to answer additional messages, if he doesn't like it then he can take you to court where they will make a schedule.

Don't let him mess you and your baby around like this, he isn't the boss of you.

It’s ok for you to say no to him.

If he’s meant to be picking her up at 4, then he says ‘I’m finishing early’, you can always say ‘can’t do any earlier but see you at 4’.

Also, an informal agreement should work for both of you. It sounds like it’s not working for you so try to discuss something that does work. If not, that’s why the court exists.

Start learning the word 'no' OP and fast and the phrase "that doesn't work for me/us". No extra video calls if it's eating into your routine, no extra visits if you're already doing something, no giving in.

Set up a schedule. Agree to use a parenting app for communication (so it can all be monitored and checked if needed by the courts / mediators and any of his rude and unreasonable demands can be logged to) and stop letting him dictate terms and bully you.

@TomatoSandwiches yes - he's using the baby to abuse you.

Set times. And when you'r ewith him - if you are willing to do the odd call fine, but again, agree. eg - okay, we'll try call you while he's having supper or whatever.

If he’s sending his child’s mother aggressive messages he’s not as good a dad as you think. Will he be sending her aggressive messages when she’s older and doesn’t jump? Stop rushing home and being bossed about by this awful man.