Caught husband on fabswingers - I’m 24 weeks pregnant

[DaisyJude]

I don’t know if this is even suitable for this forum but I didn’t know where else to go to gauge whether I’m crazy.

I'm 24 weeks pregnant via IVF so not a surprise pregnancy by any means. Hubby and I have been together for 12 years.

last week I discovered he has a fabswingers profile (which he had also deleted) - I saw the charges on his iPad. When I asked him about it he initially lied. When I showed him the charges (to prove I knew) he said he was exploring the idea of a threesome and after going on there decided it wasn’t for us - this was the first I’d ever heard of a threesome let alone him actually looking into it!
I'm so so hurt that he would do this behind my back (for the record a threesome just isn’t for me) let alone when I’m 24 weeks pregnant!

Not sure I can get past this…

You don't have to get past this. You also don't have to decide whether you can get past this right now. You're allowed to take some time to decide whether this has damaged the trust between you in a fundamental way, or whether you can work through this together.
I'm so sorry that you're going through this in your pregnancy, what should be a magical time in your life. And you have every right to be furious with your husband that he took this away from you.

I think a lot will depend on how much responsability and accountability he will take for his actions. Whether he shows regret and remorse, not for getting caught, but for how his actions impacted you and the sanctity of your marriage (even before you caught him), and whether he is willing to do the work to rectify what he broke.

Oh wow, OP. That's grim of him. So sorry you're having to deal with this whilst pregnant!
He explored a threesome on Fabswinger's without ever speaking to you? He sounds vile! I don't think I could get past it.

What a betrayal OP.
Yours isn't the first thread I've read where a partner has cheated whilst the OP is pregnant with a baby conceived by IVF. It always seems inexplicable when the presumption is the pregnancy was longed for, and striven for, by both partners.
It's his lying that is as abhorrent as his actions.
I don't think I could trust him again. My respect for him would be gone.

Thanks responders. It’s reassuring to know that I’m not crazy and I’m validated in my response.

He’s adamants he not cheated and he was just exploring a fantasy but for me a fantasy is something that stays in your head - to sign up to a website like fabswingers (apparent to just look) just in itself (if true) for me is still too far over acceptable married behaviour.

He should have discussed it with you before anything else. I'd be wary, OP 😔

Thing is, and I have been in a similar situation, it’s notninly the loss of trust. It’s the disgust and how low and small he is. I couldn’t stay with my husband after what he did becasue I stopped admiring him as a person. And then yes, it’s the trust

He's manipulating you to think it was for your benefit, just a rubbish lie, sorry you're going through this, he can't ever be trusted again.

Sorry you went through this too @rania78 I agree with you I look at him differently now.

@DaisyJude my H did something that was disloyal and unkind - although different to yours - I found out a long time after it happened by complete coincidence. We are still married and have been 28 years (I found out at the 20 year point) and it happened about the 9 year point. I've never 100% felt the same but at 62 my options are less so. It kind of snuffs the candle of 'special' out and you realise they are a twat like so many others. Personally I would get pregnancy over either, and reassess with a 1 year old how you feel- see how he is with you and yes I would be keeping a very close eye but discreetly on his behaviour.

Tell him you've always fancied the window cleaner and see what his reaction is. Can guarantee his 3 way involves another woman not a bloke.🙄

Obviously irl you'll need to dump his cheating arse (sooner or later whatever is practically best for you), you will never feel the same about him again. Everything will be tainted by this.

Hey lovely I'm so sorry you have to deal with this whilst pregnant.

Sorry to say but there will be more to it. He will be cheating on you (virtually via sexting others) and potentially even in person as it's so easy for discreet hook ups. The website is FREE so if you were just curious you wouldn't need to pay. You pay for extras like to be able to get more details and features.

Also if baby is IVF he would know you will be having a baby so now would not be the time to explore a threesome unless it's one not involving you....

Take care of yourself and baby and don't feel sorry for him. He did this and god knows what else you never found out about. He will only tell you what you already know and will have now deleted any evidence so you will never have wbole truth. I don't think you need it though, you have enough to know the real selfish man he is.

His excuse was bollocks but that's not to say he's cheating. Im lead to believe this site is overrun by single men, but most wont get any action out of it. Can you log in as him and see if he has any reviews on there?

@MateysMusing that's a pretty low bar- just the fact they are on there would be enough for me to say - sod off-but in my own good time

I agree with this. Just because they can't get any the intention is still there so makes no difference. If anything it makes them more pathetic

Fair do's, ive no experience with it at all but I remember an older lady in the Sex page on here explaining how her and her DH found a single man who came with good reviews to give her a naked massage while hubby watched. Strange site to frequent!

He's lying right to your face and you definitely don't need to get past this. Of course he's going to say he didn't cheat, but I would say the odds that he hasn't are near zero. He isn't the man you thought he was.

I’m sorry OP.
He’s lying of course about why he’s on the site and the extent to which he’s been engaging with people on there.

I think it would be a no from me.

Do you have a good support network around you? Congratulations on your successful IVF. You can build a lovely life for you and baby when they arrive.

💐

Sorry this has happened at what should be such a joyful time. IF he is devastated and full of remorse and wants to make it right then there is some hope but if he won’t take responsibility and just wants to move past it then it will happen again sorry to say

Bloody hell, OP, I'm sorry.
Take care of yourself.
The threads here have been so F ing grim lately,
almost always about men like this and similar.
🌸

Are you sure he's not been going as the third person in threesomes?

@DaisyJude there is a saying along the lines of every married man is one stupid mistake away from throwing it all down the drain.

When you catch someone out their immediate response is often to lie because they want to prevent further harm either to themselves or to you. People lie because they are embarrassed as well as lying because they have something to hide. Often is the act of the lie (and any subsequent lies) that is harder to move past than whatever has actually happened.

Your husband has broken your trust, regardless of what he has actually done. To put your mind at ease I would request full access to all of his bank, email and social media accounts asap. This way you can satisfy if he really was ‘just looking’ or not. If he refuses to let you do this then that tells you a lot. He has lost his right to privacy at this moment and if he wants to rebuild your trust then he needs to agree to complete transparency. Once you have done this you will hopefully find nothing else and can work on dealing with the one off issue. If you find something else then that’s a different matter.

Ultimately he has hurt you at your most vulnerable and that in and of itself will take time to move past.

He could have just been looking, exploring a fantasy, so I agree with the pp who suggests that you ask for his log in details to see what he's been doing.

You don't have to leave him over this as some have suggested, take time to see what works for you and don't feel you have to rush anything.

I would guess he has been joining couples for theeesoms for a while and had no intention of involving you.
I'm sorry you're going through this, I couldn't move past this and trust him.

I have a bit of experience with fabswingers. So if he said he was looking for someone else to join you he would have set up a couples account, and to have any chance of success he'd had to have photos of you both. It's more likely he set up a single mans account, and was perhaps looking to either join another couple or play with a single women (frankly his chances of finding a woman or couple is so slim unless he's gods gift or hung like a horse).

What is strange though is that you saw payment details, you can access fabswingers without paying quite effectively. Paying gives you the ability to send more pics, more messages, search I think (more functions basically) so he must have been fairly serious about his activities on there. People also use the site to chat on forums about fantasies and to find out about meets and events for people to attend at clubs or privately organized gang bangs etc

Hi all, thank you so much for your messages and taking the time to respond. He’s deleted the account so I can’t see what he’s been up to and knowing he’s paid already confirms a lot - I signed up and had a good look myself!

I think for me it’s fundamentally the trust, respect and consideration that hurt the most. Whilst a threesome isn’t for me I certainly would have been open to discussing and finding perhaps a different way to try and fulfil his fantasy…but perhaps when I’m not 6 months pregnant!