Partner called me useless in context of being a mum..

[Emsy9898]

Am I in the wrong/him or both of us? I'm just cut real deep by what he said.
Baby was being a proper pain and had been fighting her sleep for over a hour and a bit and I had tried everything after partner had done her bottle. It got late last night and I put her on my chest as that normally settled her but instead she started thrashing around but kept clawing my chest/neck and it really hurt and proper triggered me so I ended up just putting her down to cry for 5 minutes (partner was on his way downstairs to get sleep as obviously he works, I understand that) he came up with a proper attitude and said doing that'sv not going to help, you're being useless" and then came back up with her about 5 minutes later saying it wasn't that hard to figure out, she was hungry.. like I totally get you're stressed, tired and all that but don't mean, he's been amazing so far so thats just hurt.

You’re not a useless mum .
Putting your baby in her cot for 5 minutes when your stressed is the safest and best thing to do.

If your partner had given the baby a bottle and she was still hungry an hour later then neither of you could be expected to automatically make that connection.
You’re both still finding your way, he needs to think before he speaks.
Have a calm conversation about how he made you feel and that it’s not helpful.

That was an awful thing to say. Letting a baby cry for a bit is absolutely fine. I've done it with mine and they've turned out fine.

Your partner is talking from a privileged position. He is having his sleep and goes to work, so he is only with the baby a very limited time - he's far less sressed and exhausted than you, which make everything much easier to deal with.

Fussy babies are difficult. I had one fussy and one easy-going baby, the difference was huge huge huge. I was at the end of my tether with the fussy one, definitely left them to cry many times.. With the easy going one I finally understood why people enjoy maternity leave.

I hope that is a one-off and your partner apologises. Otherwise, if he can do this so much better than you, he can take over the nights and you can go downstairs to get some sleep!

Best of luck with everything. You are a fantastic mother!!

How dare he, you were being a caring mother. Baby down safe, and you taking five to calm a little to not pass your stress and upset on. Textbook mother 101.

It isn't easy you are not a robot you took the right steps. Tell Mary Poppins or whatever the equivalent male version strange none come to mind.

Always know your self care always benefits your baby. Five minutes of baby crying is fine. If you need longer then take it but you can offer comfort without necessarily holding them close.

I found singing very inappropriate songs with my hand on them stopped me turning into a blubbering mess and reassured them.

Play music, when calmer talk and when ready pick them up. Taking those few minutes deep breaths, glass of water whatever it is, you are doing it for them.

I can solve this for you. You are not useless. And he did not mean what he said.

Sleep deprivation + crying baby had the WORST effect on my dh and me. It is too easy to take it out on the other partner.

Please, please either disregard what he said, or when you are both calm and happy tell him that you were very upset when he called you useless the other night. Give him a chance to say “sorry, I was beyond exhausted and frazzled and I took it out on you, of course you aren’t useless you are brilliant and we will get through this together and look back one day and think, “shit that was hard by we made it”.”

Cut each other slack here. You are sleep deprived, as was he at the time with the stress of work ahead.
Sometimes a baby can suddenly want a heck of a lot more to drink just before a growth spurt happens. Could be the reason. Unless you thought he'd done a bottle and he thought you had, in which case it's a miscommunication.
Overall its not a huge occurance, so if you can, put the small stuff behind you.

Unfortunately this is why I'm so upset as I messaged him this morning saying if he ever calls me useless as a mum again, I'm gone as all I've ever done is praise him and it cut me deep, and he just replied that I was being useless just watching her scream. He doesn't think he's in the wrong at all here

If he thought baby needed a bottle why didn't he just make one instead of being a twat to you about it?

Sometimes babies need to scream to let their frustration out, and literally doing anything else just upsets them more. A few minutes and Sometimes they just go quiet and they have their much needed nap. Men don't understand that though.