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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Don’t know if I like DH anymore

7 replies

Desensitised · 20/06/2024 22:31

Has anyone ever gone through feeling like they didn’t ‘like’ their DH anymore? Was it a phase you put work towards turning around or a sign you needed to make some decisions?
For a while now I’ve found myself being irritated by DH and struggled to feel anything positive towards him. I suppose younger people would say ‘the ick’.

He behaves like a teenager and relies on his dad for so many things e.g. to do our ironing if the pile is huge and I haven’t had time to do it, rather than him doing it or even just to plant a new flower/any gardening or most DIY.
He leaves clothes, shoes, anything you could imagine that he’s at one point needed/used strewn around the house, the banister or the floor. He’s just set up a home office in the dressing room and it’s already got empty glasses and mugs left on the desk.
He rarely compliments me and there’s no sincerity. We rarely ever have sex anymore and we have a brief kiss goodnight, that’s usually the extent of our contact.
He falls asleep within minutes of sitting down on the sofa so most nights are lonely or spent in silence.
We’re completely not on the same page with parenting.
He is like a teenager on a morning with 20 alarms and still can’t get out of bed, then needs to be asked to make the bed for being last out.
I have a very stressful, client facing job that needs any interaction to be retained in memory and then documented before close of play. His job is very relaxed with no major responsibilities or timescales. He will stay longer at work, knowing I’m WFH, as he has done tonight, then berate me for not relieving his dad of childcare and to start making the meal as I’m at home, despite actually working.
I’ve had a really rubbish day today - emotive work subject matter and absolutely snowed under with finishing everything that I didn’t finish until after 6pm. As well as ringing me just to shout at me after I queried his finish time, he’s barely spoken a word to me all night and has shut himself in the office under the guise of doing work related qualification assignments where he’s been for hours, not before getting angry again as I asked what he was doing. He’s just come downstairs brightly going, ‘all finished’ as if nothing’s happened and told me to ‘f off’ when I wasn’t falling at his feet to finally see him. He is allocated work time to do these.
We’re both off work now as we’re supposed to be having a part of my birthday present, a concert to see a band I love, so I was really excited for that but I honestly don’t even want to go with him now and don’t feel remotely excited.

Sorry - I’m waffling, I revert back to my question at the start please. I just feel so lonely and like I have 3 children. I’d love to feel loved and secure and not that there’s got to be more to life.

OP posts:
Littlestminnow · 20/06/2024 23:16

I'm so sorry you're going through this. He sounds awful. I do think you should leave him, just as I need to find the strength to leave my marriage. It's so hard though, isn't it?

Opentooffers · 21/06/2024 00:04

He sounds hard work, does he have a ND diagnosis? Has he always been like this? The way you describe him makes it sound like he has trouble with dealing with the basics of life and is disengaged often. Just a thought.

OriginalUsername2 · 21/06/2024 00:25

It sounds like you would be better suited to someone with higher intelligence.

XChrome · 21/06/2024 03:22

These are not minor irritations, they're serious issues. He doesn't pull his weight and has made you play a mother role. You aren't having sex. He isn't kind to you.
You could try to work on it in couple's therapy, but keep in mind that character does not change. He's lazy, self-centered, irresponsible, insenstive and entitled. He likely always will be. He could possibly gain some maturity so that these flaws would be less pronounced, but do you really want to stick around for the years that it will take for him to mature, if he's even willing to get help?

Seaoftroubles · 21/06/2024 09:57

So sorry OP but you've become his mother and his maid. Unfortunately the inability for men to share the tasks at home seems rife on here but there's obviously more to it if your relationship is also devoid of intimacy. He doesn't even sound very nice go you.

What's he like as a Dad, does he pull his weight where the kids are concerned? Also if his Father does a lot of the childcare what does he think of his son?

BananaLambo · 21/06/2024 10:20

Well, he sounds like a useless sack of shit. Sit him down, tell him you’re unhappy and tell him why. Keep it factual and tell him what you need, and also the consequences if he doesn’t step up.

Marvelsquirrel · 15/08/2024 10:44

i think every long relationship has ups and downs. And we are only getting a snapshot of it here so there may be lots of good stuff between the two of you that is worth fighting for that you haven’t mentioned because, at the moment, you are rightly pissed off with him.

Has he always been like this? Has something changed that would be putting extra pressure on your relationship such as money worries or health issues?

Since you've got children it’s always worth exploring counselling before leaving. But it doesn’t sound like he’s treating you very well and you deserve better.
Leaving is daunting if you’ve got shared property and are raising the kids together but at least there is a chance you can be happy again and won’t have to wake up to someone disappointing every morning.

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