Staying sane in a bad marriage

[Croiss]

I don't want to go into all of the details but I'm in a bad marriage I have no option of leaving.

I know there are others in a similar situation and I just wanted to ask how you manage?

I find myself crying and hurt all the time. How can I make myself stop feeling and survive?

LTB is really not an option atm.

Why is it not an option? And what makes it so bad?

Lots of sympathy from me OP. The grey rock approach and physical avoidance works for me so far. Dealing with my spouse as a business partner in Family Inc. rather than as someone I can rely on for anything other than everyday matters.

It's not easy but I have found emotional detachment quite effective to protect myself over the years, I think it's been a lifesaver so far.

Much admiration to @Keepithidden, it’s not easy is it. I hope both you and OP are eventually able to find the peace and happiness you each deserve (I did).

Check out zawn villines. There are many women in similar situations who she advises. Her substack is called liberating motherhood, but don’t let that put you off if you don’t have kids.

https://open.substack.com/pub/zawn/p/building-your-exit-plan-the-ultimate?r=of6sj&utm_medium=ios

I hope the situation changes for you soon.

This is 2024, what is trapping people in miserable marriages? My grandma had to put up with it as there was no welfare or refuges.

So sad.

I think you can cope and survive in a bad relationship but I don’t know if you can really stay sane.

I ended a very long term relationship in January and I had no idea how badly it had affected my mental health. Outwardly I was high functioning, very active, people thought I was happy.

I was deeply unhappy, unsupported, unloved, and in a toxic relationship. I’m in therapy and it will be time and a lot of effort to undo all the damage.

leaving was absolutely worth it for me and I am so happy I did it, but I learnt I was not as sane as I believed.

Leaving him aside, if you are crying constantly, I wholeheartedly recommend seeing your GP and trying an anti depressant. Sertraline were a game changer for me once the initial two week period was over. Wishing you well.

You will not be able to remain sane in a bad marriage, it will just further damage your mental health and take you even longer to recover from. If you have children all this affects them too. What do you want to teach them about relationships and what are they learning here from you two?.

What are your barriers here to leaving?. If you can explain more then advice can be given. No problem is actually insurmountable.

Are your overseas or are you in the UK?. Are there children involved?. There is never any one good time to leave as there is always a seemingly an occasion of some sort. However, that is not an insurmountable barrier to leaving either.

I was in one of these and I sympathise It really is not as easy as some people airily say on here ‘LTB’
wWe lived like flatmates got a few years until the DC are out of uni and then I left and have never been happier than I am now.

If you can't leave now, I would suggest to detach of the relationship and just keep in mind that this situation is temporary.
I know is not great advice but it will help to keep your sanity to stay focus on a better future and will give you the courage to work to build that better future instead of drowning in the daily boring stuff.
You need to stay strong. Living in a bad relationship is exhausting.

I’m in the same situation OP. Leaving anytime soon isn’t as option for various reasons so as others have said I’m trying to shift my mindset to one where we are business partners running a home & family together but not romantic partners (or even friends). I’m also trying to use his failures as a parent/partner to my advantage. I basically exist as a single working parent, make my own plans, take DC on holiday on my own etc. but have a bigger disposable income than I’d have if we lived separately. This situation used to eat me up & I’d get really upset about our disconnection, but I’ve had therapy & am learning to embrace it. I also tell myself that this situation isn’t forever. At some point in the future when the stars align we will split up, but for now living under the same roof essentially as flatmates is the easiest option.

Thank you for the replies. I don't want to go into the details as it's possibly to outing but it's to do with personal/family circumstances/finances/health (physical & increasingly mental).

It's a long term aim to LTB but it will need planning on my part & it wouldn't be possible in the immediate future. There's no violence but constant emotional abuse.

We are sleeping separately & I've found whatever I say or ask he does the opposite so I think if I can stop "feeling" I can be more in control of things. I know that means having to essentially become a "manipulative bitch" but honestly I don't know what else I can do.

I sometimes disassociate but its more like i lose the ability to speak or move or do anything. I wish I could get to a point of disassociating but being functional. I also feel if I seem to strong or independent things get worse so I really do feel like I have to be careful with whatever I do so I need to be clear headed. I find it hard to believe this is my life.

@notanothernana do you know my Grandma actually left in the 50s. Divorced, took her children, got a flat and a job and started a new life. Makes me feel 1000x weaker that I'm where I am.

Never heard of grey rocking but I think this might be a big help!

I know that means having to essentially become a "manipulative bitch" but honestly I don't know what else I can do.

You have to do whatever you can to survive. Emotional abuse can be just as harmful as physicial and can cause physical problems in the abused because of the tension your brain and body are going through. Be that manipulative bitch 💪, I'd love to think of you getting the better of him by not being so affected by his shite.

Emotional detachment and grey rock are the way forward. If you have the freedom to do so, you could access help from Women's Aid, just as support to see you through these times. They will not rush you to end the relationship, they understand how hard it can be, they can help with coping strategies in the meantime. As can we, there's always someone here

He’s not your husband anymore. If you could, you would be divorced.

Ask for nothing, expect nothing and treat him as a housemate.

Stop having any expectations that he cares at all about you. Think of him as a selfish uni halls flatmate that you need to tolerate and then live your life.

Drashleysouthard on insta is a great one to follow for this as well

Whatever you do; look after your health.

I became extremely ill.

If it's your mental health that's the 'issue' I think it would improve a lot without him there. I strongly urge you to talk to a women's aid type charity - I don't want to dismiss you saying you can't leave and I know you feel totally stressed but they will have spoken to thousands of women in similar position to you and can help