At what point did you decide enough was enough re parents that lead you to go NC?

[TheseBootsAreWalking]

Today was a turning point for me where I realised that the decades of gaslighting and mental abuse had to end, and I am going NC with my mum, and her husband.

Those of you who have gone NC, what happened ones the parents realised this was happening? How are you coping with the desission? Many thanks

It’s very hard.

My mum emotionally and physically abused us and nearly killed my sibling.

Over the years I had built a civil but still dysfunctional (her still being abusive now and then emotionally) I did like the distance as I began to heal but then she physically attacked a frail family member and that was it.

We aren’t close, she’s my mum and it is hard I miss her but it all damaged me so much. I can’t maintain relationships with friends etc. How has she taken it? She leaves me alone, contacts me more when she wants something.

I went NC after realising she wouldn't keep me safe from my abusive ex - she refused to promise me she wouldn't speak to him again. That was the death knell, but the real nail in the coffin was when she tried to get me fired. Newly single mother, dealing with the fallout from DV, and she still tried to make the drama about her feelings. No thanks.

I’d been trying to go NC for a long time. Then one day she picked a fight with me. My favoured DB had been rude to her but it was me that got it. That’s what gave me the guts to say “enough” and mean it.

PS. It wasn’t easy - after a few months they wanted to bring me back ‘into the fold’, and siblings and other relatives wanted me to. That was the hard part because I still kept contact with them.

The final thing was despite her acting like the weeping widow at my DFs funeral (they had been divorced twenty years) and trying to get attention she refused to say anything nice to me about him. Not even he was a good DF. Which he was. She didn't find him nice apparently. That finally hardened my heart and my decades of upset cemented into hate.

It is so hard though because we just want them to normal.

I am going through similar atm with my Dad and his wife. I'm at the point of no return and I feel heartbroken with how they have treated me.
I know that the right thing to do is go NC but part of me feels guilt doing that.

The day she didn’t come to my wedding, spent the whole week leading up to it gaslighting and blaming me for the huge fallout that was caused by another family member.

Grew up in an abusive home with both her and her partner, I’m still in therapy now over it but her not showing up on my big day leaving me with a huge hair and make up bill for her and other costs was the final straw.

The day my mum whispered in my ear
" it doesn't make you better than me you know "
I'd just graduated. I was 40 , had a 6 month old baby and a lovely partner .
This was after months of her insisting she would only see her first grandchild on her terms , at her house and I had to stay home to "rest" leaving baby with her .

I went non contact and plenty of flying monkeys . 2nd child she didn't see until my dad died and I went to funeral. My sister who'd taken her side and I was also nc with sat and told me she'd had counselling and apologised for taking the easy route and not acknowledging all the abuse for an easy life .

I'm back with a very strong relationship with my sister and my mum has become much more restrained . Still can put her big foot in it sometimes but listens when I say " enough"

It's a shame it took 12 years !

I decided to 'divorce' my mother after an increasingly difficult relationship over many years - she was an alcoholic - and she just became someone I used to know. I didn't go NC, but I made no effort to visit or phone her. Life was far easier. She didn't get to know her grandsons of course, but after a few years she made much more effort and occasionally came to see them.

She and my stepdad informed us they were going to drink themselves to death. Relatively easy decision to disengage at that point.

Mum was visiting, she broke Ddogs tooth by playing a very violent game of tug of war with him after I had asked her to stop - she lifted him off the ground. I heard his tooth snap.
Then she started on my DS the way she used to start on me when I was little, probably because she realised she had gone too far with my dog. That didn't work so she turned on me.

I had a weird experience; it was like watching the whole drama as an uninvolved 3rd party. At first I thought I had disassociated, but then realised I no longer gave a fuck about her or trying to maintain a relationship, and only cared about the well being of my dog and my child. Got her out the house and that was it.

NC for 15 years with my dad. The trigger was realising that he was prepared to involve my kids in his toxic behaviour. That's when it became a really easy decision.
LC with my mum for 10 years when I had a similar light bulb moment and realised it did not matter what I did for her, she was never going to like me.

I am so sorry everyone, its not an easy decision to make. There are so many incidents why I should go no contact. The grieve is the worst bit. Thank so much for sharing.

When my mother defended my abuser after I'd finally plucked up the courage (as an adult) to tell her about SA from when I was child. Looking back there were other instances of her dismissing me when I tried to disclose and she failed dismally to protect me in general but we'd constructed a facade of being close so it's come as quite a shock to realise just how awful she actually was/is.

Spending time with her always made me feel bad and I could never understand why when we were supposedly close, it's amazing how completely we can deceive ourselves when the truth is too hard to contemplate. I've been NC for 6 months now apart from one brief exchange of messages which only served to confirm NC was the right decision.

I feel like I should feel guilty, she's getting old and will have taken what's happened hard but the truth is I don't really feel anything the vast majority of the time. I keep waiting for the pain to come but honestly there's not much more than the occasional twinge, although I guess there's still time for that to change. I don't miss her, I thought I would as we spoke most days but I genuinely don't. I definitely feel relief, she was heavily emotionally dependent on me and I now realise it was a very unbalanced relationship, and not in my favour.

I'm awaiting a second round of therapy now to deal with the SA being dredged up, the first was to help me disclose and then make the decision to go NC and I found it really helpful so I'm hoping I'll be able to put the whole thing to bed once and for all, I do feel a bit like I'm in limbo for now. I don't know if any of that helps OP, happy to answer any questions you have if you think it might help.

My mother is an addict and a narc. My Grandad passed away unexpectedly and didn't change his will so she inherited a rather large amount of money. This was depleted within 3 years and she squandered it on drugs, alcohol, scratch cards, McDonalds, shit off eBay and told her partner to give up his job because she informed him she could support him.

She turned into a complete bitch towards my brother and I. I don't care she didn't give any of the inheritance to either of us but it's what she spent it on and her attitude after.

She started asking us for money to which we questioned. She informed us that it was HER inheritance and there were no stipulations as to how she spent it and she had fun doing so. She also said she didn't need to tell us why she needed money but she'd make up every excuse under the book.

Final straw came when she started making comments on Facebook about how bad the benefits system is because her PIP application got declined. I lost my shit and explained to her many gullible minions that she'd had rather a lot of money, made herself ill by spanking it all on drugs and alcohol ( so much so she's actually in a wheelchair now) so the government owe her nothing.

I've since heard from my brother her PIP was approved and she got a nice little back payment which she proceeded to spend within 2 weeks and then ask my brother to lend her money again.

Having my own DC and realising how much power you have as a parent to be able to shape their perception of themselves and the world around them. Recognising the techniques she used on me to dismiss their feelings, gaslights them, project anxieties onto them as she did with me. I see the same 'rabit in the headlights' look on their faces trying to work out why their version of events is being twisted. I had that look as a child and was labled 'odd'. It effected my whole life and I realise now was the cause of my self doubt, depression and anxiety that has ruined my life. It disgusts me down to my bones and I have zero respect for her. Although I can't got full NC for various reasons, I have emotionally cut-off and I know I can never go back. DCs are never unsupervised with her. I see her emotional cruelty as being as dangerous as other types of abuse.

I should have gone nc with her 14 years earlier when she pulled the rug from under me and kicked me when I was already down.

I was engaged and pregnant. My fiance cheated on me and kicked me out of our home 300+ miles away. I had no choice but to return home at 30 weeks pregnant. I knew she didn't really want me there and made sure I was the best house guest anyone could want. Asked nothing of her. No expectations. Nothing.

She contacted a social services run mother and baby home behind my back, lied about me having MH problems and her having concerns about my capacity to parent and I was discharged from hospital with a two day old baby to there. The staff told me they didn't know why I was there, I was fine and a great mum.

She got herself signed off work for 6 weeks because she also lied similarly to her GP. Told him I was living at hers and she couldn't cope with the stress of having to look after my baby and deal with my MH problems. She even told me this, which is how I knew. She spent the whole time I was there trying to get social services involved using the fact I was there and not living at home with her as the reason. She failed.

I finally went nc with her when her behaviour caused brief police and SS involvement and she was declared a risk to my children. Haven't seen her since and never will again. That was 12 years ago now

About 6 years ago, she accidentally bumped into my son at his workplace - he was a teenager with a Satuirday job in a shop. She approached him and started running me down (lying) to him in front of the other customers. He was understandably distressed and recognised that the things she was saying were designed to cause problems between me and him. It didn't work.

In case anyone thinks theres no smoke wothout fire... my children are well adjusted (in spite of everything). My son has graduated from university and has a good job, my daughter has just finished her A levels and wil be going to university in September. I have an excellent relationship with both of my children.

Obviously, there had also been an extensive history of emotional abuse and gaslighting.

I wish I'd done it when I was 23 but I didn't know it was even possible then tbh.

Mine was a child, I was 12. Id seen the abuse before he left years before. I got unexplained injuries in his care a few times.
Then he used to plan these amazing weekends for me and him and never turn up, always full of false promises. I made the decision to cut him out. He tried making contact after id had kids but I didn't want someone like that in their life.
He died 3 years ago, mixed emotions because I wish he'd been a better dad and it could've been different

To add, my mother caused big dramas in our very small family. Tried to sabotage my relationship with my brother and my grandma (my only two relatives aside from my son at the time) with her lies. Fortunately, they both saw through it - eventually. But it did cause problems for a while becaisenthey were both angry with me and felt sorry for her for the way I had treated her. It was all lies but both of them had initially believed her because why would she make it up?

She attempted to sabotage everything I did. She successfully sabotaged my first attempt at university because I was only 18 and didn't realise that's what she was doing. I went back when my son was 2. I was 26 by then and far more clued up and resilient.

For some reason, she really needed to be seen as a victim and for me to be the villain in her life so she would make up utterly ridiculous scenarios to other people about me. Once she did it in front of me and my partner. I was so glad he was there because it was so ridiculous that I think I'd have started to doubt my memory of it if he hadn't been there.

She made some attempts to contact me after I'd gone nc. Hand posted birthday cards to the children (so I'd know she'd been to my front door) and emails to my brother and me (he also went nc). She would also make public posts on fb about her wonderful grandchildren and how devastating it was to not have them in her life. My brother and I had blocked her but my sister in law kept an eye on it.

But we just ignored them. The emails stopped within about a year and the cards stopped after about 5.

But, by that point, we knew they were coming and it had stopped being annoying/upsetting.

I didn't feel any distress or conflict about my decision. But that had a lot to do with the 'validation' of the police and SS agreeing with me tbh. SS made it quite clear that, if contact with her continued, they'd proceed to child protection with a view to removal and, tbh, they'd have been right to!

I went NC, possibly LC, with my dad when I reflected on all his toxic behaviours and the ripples they had and still have through the family. I say LC as it just gets awkward at birthdays,Christmas and Father's day. So far I have just posted a nominal bottle of whiskey which has ticked a box and kept him happy. I actually don't think he has noticed that is the only contact we have had in just over a year tbh. I think it suits him, he was never cut out to be a dad and it staggers me that he ever decided to have children.

When I got engaged and she had a wailing meltdown instead of congratulating me due to the fact she'd have to be in the same room as my dad who'd she'd driven away with her years of alcoholism . Then caused more drama of a similar nature on the run up to the wedding
Spent the wedding getting hammered and stealing drinks from other tables whilst other family had to try and keep her away from my dad
That was it for me after decades of this shit
She died a few years later and I had no regrets .

Went NC with my narcissistic father, 3 months after becoming a mother to a lovely baby girl.
I think I suddenly felt such a rush of responsability to make sure she never experienced the damage that he did to me, my self esteem and self worth.

So, so many things over years, but what finally did it was when I sent her a card (a lovely hand made surprise one with a photo of our scan) telling her that after ten years' TTC and heartbreak I was finally going to be a mum.

I heard nothing from her for five weeks, and then when she finally said "I got your card" - no congratulations or anything - she followed it up with "I don't know if you'll cope, you'll probably find it really difficult after all these years enjoying your career".

She's seen the DC maybe half a dozen times since then, LC (very low) works best for me as that prevents her making a drama about "not being allowed" to see them.

Do what you need to do @TheseBootsAreWalking ,you'll be happier for it!

I was my mother's punching bag, mentally, emotionally and physically from the age of 11. She actually hated me, said she regretted having me, I was fat, stupid,ugly, would never amount to anything etc. She told me DH was too good for me and didn't know what he saw in me. She tried to convince me he was having an affair when I was at home with three children under four. He was working late to provide for us. Turned so many family members against me with her lies. Started an argument with me the night before my wedding and didn't turn up. Stopped me from seeing my father for six months so I didn't see or get to speak to him before he died. Loads, loads more, could write a book.

The final straw was her coming to my house with a "pity me" face on her because she had an argument with my sister and she knew I would support my sister. She sat down, no conversation and ignored my children. That was it, told her to get the fuck out of my house and slammed the door behind her. Still nc 11 years later. I was not going to have her ruin my children's life's too