What should I be looking for in a post divorce relationship?

[wherethehouseplantscometodie]

Hi all

I've name changed for this but I am a frequent poster...

I'll try not to go into too much detail to avoid writing a novel but also try not to drip feed!

Ex-DH and I separated in 2021, we had two very young children together. It took a year or so of repairing myself before I could even consider dating. I dated a few guys... most I wasn't interested in.

Then I met one, and the physical attraction was huge, amazing sex etc. it was rocky in the beginning, we had both been single for a while (he longer than I) and both have children, so time was limited and we were a both uncertain as to what we wanted. He messed around a bit and I cut him off, a few months later he got back in contact and we established we both wanted to give a "relationship" a go...

Here's where the trouble lies, my ex-DH is difficult, spiteful and inconsistent with contact with our DC. He goes weeks without seeing them, cancels regularly and leaves the parenting to me. I juggle a high pressured job alongside parenting so my time can be limited.

Whilst the guy I'm seeing is a great Dad, I don't believe he has any yearning to be a stepfather, he coparents well with his ex and they are totally 50:50.

Whilst, on the whole, my needs are being met by this relationship. I can't help but wonder if longer term, I should be thinking more about meeting someone who might want to play more of an active part in my DCs lives. They are still both young (under 3) and clearly enjoy being around males (family members) and I wonder if I need to think longer term about this situation...

Any advice from anyone who has been through similar, please?

It depends what you want from a partner. I have had a couple of relationships since separation, both lasting more than a year. They fulfilled my need to have a relationship but didn’t interfere with my ‘mum’ role. That works for me. I don’t want to move anyone in to my house. My kids come first when they are with me. I am lucky that I have a reliable ExH so I do get child free time. Also my kids are older so it’s not so long till that would no longer be an issue.
You need to decide if you are happy with the situation for now or whether it isn’t meeting all your requirements. It would probably be easier to introduce someone to your DC when they are younger. It can be very tricky once DC are older & have had you to themselves for longer. So if that is something you’d like in future then maybe trying for that now would be better.

Love your username @wherethehouseplantscometodie ❤️.
So jealous I didn't come up with that one!

I've not been in this situation but I saw a post by the lovely Jamie Lee Curtis about her stepfather, Robert Brandt, and it really hit me......"He married my mother with two small daughters, even though he really didn't like children. He was a good man. I respected him. I miss him today".

If your new partner is a good man and loves you, he will take on your children without question. When you commit to someone, you take on their family and that's just the way it goes.
If he is explicit in his unwillingness to do that then he's not your person at this time in your life. It's important to give him that chance to make that choice though.

Not sure if that helps or hinders but good luck in whatever you decide 😊

PS This I do have experience of though.....eventually the futurelessness will start to eclipse the fun.

How do you know what he wants yet, probably a bit too early to tell, I think it will all become clear but seeing how it goes for now, pay attention, see if he's open to discussing future plans. If he starts being unpredictable and unreliable then don't waste your time especially as he's mucked you around before, this is the last chance!

It depends what you want. I split with my DS's DF when he was 3. Subsequent years had a few relationships of varying lengths, but nothing stuck as I either didn't introduce them, or I did and they weren't up to scratch. I was settling for people who were fulfilling a need at the time but were never going to be permanent. I think I felt fine about that because it ment my life didn't need to change and change can seem scary.
I'm in my 50's now and still single and hindsight is a wonderful thing. It hasn't turned out awful, but it can be a more lonely life on your own. A part of me wonders how my life would of been if I'd hung out for someone who was a real future prospect. When I was 37, did I really expect to still be single at 52 with a string of short and medium term relationships (the longest was 3 years)?
I'm fine on my own and I much prefer it to a bad or faltering relationship, so I don't have any qualms in ending what's right. But now my DS is independent, it would be nice to have someone long term, however, by my age what's left of the male market is the dregs mostly, so it's better to get in there when younger.
I'd say as you want someone who will integrate into your life, you probably should hang out for a man who is a real prospect, anything else is delaying and wasting time.

Thankyou all for your incredibly insightful responses, it's really given me a lot to think about.

@Opentooffers I think that's the thing, I myself am frightened of change, being hurt or vulnerable with someone and so I guess I have only really considered relationships where I've felt a connection but I know it wouldn't be a long term thing.

But I've started to think a little more practically, I do want fun- yes, but the reality is I am a Mum to two young children and a partner would be great too.

I agree with opentooffers perspective.
I'm a solo parent with zero free child care and not really enough time and energy to embark on proper dating so I have a very flakey occasional FB at present.
It's very sad and lonely to think this is the best I can hope for in my life.
I feel so disappointed that it's so unlikely that I will ever be in a proper relationship or partnership again.

So honestly, I think anything casual is scraping the bottom of the barrel and if you have any chance of the opportunity to still try and find a partner who wants to be part of your family then without hesitation I would say this is the optimal.
Casual gets so depressing after a while, nothing to look forward to.