We have both cheated but he can’t move on

[Candle436]

So my partner and I both 20 have been together since we where 16. It was all great but just over a year into our relationship I cheated I was talking to another guy for about 2 weeks and kissed him once. All while he was working away on an apprenticeship. I never told him however he saw messages on my phone and confronted me and I lied and said nothing happened. He belived me and moved on. Some months later he kissed his ex on a night out and I found out. He broke up with me but soon after we got back together. He then kissed a girl best friend a year or so later. We didn’t break up. I was hurt but moved past. Lastly her was texting and sending explicit pictures to someone about 10 months to a year ago. I was devastated but didn’t leave.

He has only recently discovered what I had done but I have her done anything like that again and would never even think of it. But he now only sees me as someone who would do that. We are both young however before this we where very ready for life talking marriage and house.
I feel awful for what I had done and he feels shattered but I feel like we should be able to move past. He says we will and then in the same day will get really worked up and say things that really hurt.

I want us to be able to move past and build the life we had planned. Advise ?

You're too young for this sweetheart. Go and live your life, kiss all the boys you want before you even think about settling down. And stay away from hypocritical immature men.

You are both too young for this. People change a lot as they grow into the adults they will become and you won't necessarily be compatible for life with the person you were with at 16

"We are both young however before this we where very ready for life talking marriage and house. "

This sentence does not match up to the rest of what you've said.

You are either in a relationship where you both seem to think nothing of going off and kissing other people and lying to each other.

Or

You are in a relationship where you are intent on monogomy, trust, honesty, shared finances etc

Sounds like it's not necessarily the cheating he can't move past, but the long term lying about it? Tbh that would do it for me as well, once I know you've lied to me (even if by omission) for x amount of time, what else are you/will you lie about?

Break up, chalk it up to experience and don't cheat again

You've both cheated, probably because this isn't meant to be. The vast, vast majority of people don't spend their life with their school boyfriend, however intense it may feel now.

I don't mean to patronise but you are so, so young with SO MUCH time to explore what and who you want. But as in any situation, happy people don't cheat, regardless of age.

I'd cut this off now, and go and live your life. If it's meant to be maybe it will be in the fullness of time, but don't waste precious time on something that's already sounding like more work than it needs to be!

First answer nailed it.

I know from being your age that you need to be on your own, experience new people, kiss a few of them. But I also remember thinking I knew what I needed and wanted. I was wrong but I had to learn that myself.

If either of you regularly feels like kissing someone else, you're not right for each other and/or a serious relationship.

He's kissed other people- more than once.
You've kissed someone else.

You have got over what he did. He's not over what you did.

There's a fundamental imbalance there. His feelings matter more than yours. Your behaviour has to be better than his.

Go and kiss a few more boys.

If you find a really good one, stick with him. It's not this one.

Honestly, from someone who remembers what it was like, don't do it. Move along. You have a lot more good times ahead of you.

You're 20. You don't need to be dealing with this. Go, enjoy being single.

You’re too young for this and I say that as someone who is married to their teenage boyfriend. At your age relationships should be fun and this certainly isn’t, I know you’ve been together a while and it probably is scary to leave but this relationship isn’t healthy.

If you marry him you will still be in the same dynamic having the same disagreements in 20 years and you'll have missed out on so much of life. Don't do it.

@Candle436 I want us to be able to move past and build the life we had planned.

You are future faking YOURSELF. What you have now is as good as it would ever have been. He is a cheat and he has got away with it over and over

YOU are not valuing yourself in any of this, THIS is not all you are worth, this is not what you settle for.

He's not the one for you. The sooner you end it and move on and away from him the better.

You have learned here what you are NOT happy to accept. Learn the lesson and apply it in your next relationship.

You’re so young to be in this drama already.

You've both cheated and you lied to him. Hes playing games with various girls.

With all respect neither of you are ready for a serious relationship. Go and enjoy your youth - the time for settling down isn’t now.

Perfect reply

Couldn't have put it better.

Also, ensure you give yourself good options for your future. Do ensure your contraception is as effective/bulletproof as possible, take whatever professional courses necessary for improving your working life/salary, get a work mentor if possible, put in place long term savings plans, including contributing to an occupational pension (boring to think about I know) plus saving into hard to access funds towards buying your own home when you're ready.. talk to an independent financial advisor who can help you with these.

And, of course, value yourself and your hard work by not giving over your life to people who'll use you to make their life easier at the expense of your own life - including not adding their name to the deeds of your hard-earned property when you manage to buy one... 🌹

You are both barely out of childhood. There’s so much life ahead. Dump him and don’t look back.

Time to move on, Sister. He will hold this over your head for eternity. After you have children and things get a bit boring, he will carry on with other women because you kissed one guy when you were 16.

Agree with the first answer. You're too young for this.

Life is short and you only get one. Don't waste it on stuff like this and don't waste your time with petty little man babies.

This! This is the kind of crap a man like him will use for the rest of her life.

I can imagine it now:

"Why did you sleep with her Dave, you've betrayed me and our relationship?"
"Who the hell are you to judge me! You kissed someone behind my back!"
"Oh my god, that was 40 years ago Dave, I was 16! Move on!"

I beg you to leave him and to live your life. You are so young. Too young to be making-do with a half hearted relationship. Too young to be considering commitment to a man who's cheated on you and you've cheated on. Too young to feel any compunction to commit to anyone, even if they seem perfect.

I beg you. You won't regret calling it off. You will regret staying with someone you're not suited to.

My advice is to move on with your life without him and that load. Far to young to all that drama.