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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Are they all the same?

13 replies

Apple2024 · 20/06/2024 12:44

Have had a few issues with husband of 15 years lately. He has always been a very sexual person, his sex drive is much higher than mine (i.e. I would be happy with sex once a week, he would love it every day-multiple times if he had it his way), currently we have sex 2-4 times a week but went through a spell of 3 times a month when our kids were young, to every day last year when we were exploring our sex lives a bit more. Last year there were a few problems which ended up in big family drama as he was pushing for a threesome and I didn't want to but said I would consider it with another guy, instead a girl. He said ok but then when we were talking online with other guys - always did it when he was there with me, he got extremely jealous and I then shut the idea down before anything happened in RL. When we were though that stage of being very sexually open to each other he mentioned he fantasises about other women, some of which are family members (not blood related or significantly younger), I was a bit miffed but obviously I am under no illusion that men don't do this, plus is not like I can control what he thinks about. During this "phase" he also opened up and said he had been doing deep fakes of me to which I responded I am not happy with that and I want all that gone as the risk of him being hacked and photos spreading on the internet is high and something I would hate to happen. HR said ok and presumably deleted all, he promised not to do it again. The other day working together in an email on his pc, I noticed 2 folders came up with 2 of these females he had mentioned in his fantasies, I asked him and he tried to lie, but then I said , oh please don't tell me you are doing your deep fakes with them now. He said he's not hurting anyone and that no one will ever see the photos and that I only said to not do it for myself 😞. He says he is happy in the relationship and he doesn't cheat or talks to other girls, and that frankly he'd be relieved if I did something similar to him (perving on guys) because "I am just too damn perfect and holier than thou".As I said I am no under any illusions that others don't fantasies about people they know but this is a step too far and very disrespectful IMO. The caveat here is that we actually have a good relationship in other aspects, and he is never disrespectful in RL as in chatting them up or staring etc. He rarely goes out and he is "respectful" in other ways, but I think this is really an addiction to porn that he is taking too far. I am not sure if this is he hill I want to die on, if it's reason to divorce, has anyone gone through anything like this? Are all men th same secretly?

OP posts:
stank · 20/06/2024 12:47

no! From a far from perfect male

MonsteraMama · 20/06/2024 12:48

I mean I'm not a man so I can't say for sure but I'm fairly confident my husband isn't making deepfakes of family members to wank over 🫤 how has your vagina not emigrated after seeing that?

MermaidEyes · 20/06/2024 12:50

MonsteraMama · 20/06/2024 12:48

I mean I'm not a man so I can't say for sure but I'm fairly confident my husband isn't making deepfakes of family members to wank over 🫤 how has your vagina not emigrated after seeing that?

This. There are decent men, and then there are men like your husband OP. So no. Men are not all the same.

YouJustDoYou · 20/06/2024 12:53

Oh my god no!!! OP, open your eyes! Your "d"h is horrid!

SamW98 · 20/06/2024 12:53

I am not sure if this is he hill I want to die on, if it's reason to divorce

Well it’s a hill I’d have died on and a reason for divorce before it got anywhere near this stage but obviously it’s your call.

No men are not all the same. Your DH sounds like a disgusting sleazy sex obsessed creep and my vagina would be clamped shut after his behaviour.

Scottishskifun · 20/06/2024 12:58

I mean does he want a medal for not chatting girls up and cheating?!
No not all men are like this it sounds like he has a issue tbh and I don't thinknyour friends/family will see deep fakes as no harm should they know about it!

He sounds like a sleeze!

Epidote · 20/06/2024 12:58

No, they aren't.

protectoroftherealm · 20/06/2024 13:24

My husband is on nights tonight so is the house alone and I can confidently guarantee that he is not currently, nor ever has, designed deep fake images of ANYONE. He'll be sat on the settee reading his Trail magazine or getting grand ideas for us after watching Homes in the Sun or similar. On the occasions where he probably does have a crafty wank it won't be to a fake photo of his second cousin once removed.

Bin off your husband, he's a weirdo.

Bobbotgegrinch · 20/06/2024 15:53

Definitely not all the same! I recognise nothing of myself in your husband, he's absolutely disgusting!

Pinkbits · 20/06/2024 15:59

Deepfakes of you and now other women. WTF man! That's as rapey as they come.

AppalachianGumbo · 20/06/2024 21:18

"He said he's not hurting anyone and that no one will ever see the photos"

You saw, and it hurt you, the person that matters the most. You're not the "no one" he was talking about, you are the "someone" who did see.

"He says he is happy in the relationship and he doesn't cheat or talks to other girls,"

He's making excuses.... I shot the sheriff but I didn't shoot the deputy. If you think he's addicted to porn, making deep fakes of family members, fantasizing about family members (pardon my French, he's probably mast'ing a lot in an unhealthy way), he can't be that happy, trust me because you're not happy....divorce is mentioned here.

"He rarely goes out and he is "respectful" in other ways,"

Most unhealthy relationships, the damage is usually done in the home. Divorce? If you love him ask the two of you go for therapy our counseling. Sexual addiction is powerful, sex is powerful.

The ball dropped someplace and I can't believe your sex life and intimacy with him is good, there are a lot of red flag. Go for therapy.

Runsyd · 20/06/2024 23:27

You really need higher standards, OP. He's disgusting.

Olivegardenishome · 20/06/2024 23:51

This is horrendous. And he seriously sees no issue with this? Wow…

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