30 AND LONELY - lacking family support

[TheBlueRobin]

Hello,

Not sure if I’m after advice, but interested to get other perspectives.

I’m 30F and have the most loving and caring DP (M30), we have a home together and adopted two cats. I also have a great career I’ve worked hard for too and keeps me busy. I have some brilliant friends across the UK but grew up struggling to make friends so I’m grateful for what I have now since I went to uni.

I grew up an only child which was fine for the most part but I was never brought up close with extended family or cousins. I’m lucky to have lots of very good friendships across the country. My lovely DM passed away age 65 after a short illness so in my family it’s effectively just my DF and I who lives 100 miles away. It's been quite lonely being an only child and not relating to anyone with my grief and also making sure my DF is fine.

My in-laws are… fine. They live about 45 minutes away and mostly keep themselves to themselves, we pop up for a visit but they’re never interested in doing things or spending much time. My step FIL can be a bit moody, my BIL lives 200 miles away and has mental health issues and I have a SIL who’s in uni so rightly doing her own thing. My MIL can be quite manipulative and hard work (for example, she owes my partner £5k and makes promises to pay him back but nothing happens) so I’m happy to keep things quite civil and arms length. So we don't have much support or closeness there.

However, I look around me and see friends and colleagues with happy extended families and people on their doorstep they can turn to, which I just don’t have. Now more people are settling down in their 30s and having kids that’s even more apparent and I feel like something is missing. Whereas in your 20s you just want to travel and go out with friends.

I’m not saying I want children. I don’t know if I do. I see the impact it can have mentally, physically and financially and don’t think it would be easy and I doubt we would get much support from my Dad or in-laws. If anything I can imagine my MIL being quite hard work and demanding. I also don’t like the idea of going through these life milestones without my lovely DM.

I feel at a bit of a loss.. I’m actually very content in my own company but sometimes I feel a longing, maybe the grass isn’t greener? What do you think? It’s about 18 months since I lost my DM so I think it could be grief but just feeling quite empty? I recently took some time off due to stress and fatigue as well.

I understand your loneliness and I do believe that this is at least partly do to you still grieving the loss of your mother.
You can't choose your family, and nothing you do will ever really replace them - especially your DM. How is the rest of your social life? Do you have any very close friends?

Thank you @Girlmom35 you're right there is probably still a lot of bereavement and processing what's happened. You can't pick your family sadly.

Yes I'm very fortunate I've got about 5/6 close friends I'm regularly in touch with but sadly don't see a lot due to distance, some are close by but my two best friends are both two hours away. I've got friendship groups from school and uni that I see maybe once or twice a year. And I'm in a friendly sociable workplace too. Maybe I need another outlet? I'm fairly introverted so the idea of joining a sports team or club horrifies me but I am lacking more local connections really.

You get the family you get, and I'm assuming you're happy enough with your partner not to end your relationship because you're not crazy about his parents?

It does sound to me as if you're over-idealising the idea of family, and probably need more supportive local company.

Thank you @FlaubertSyndrome for your POV. Yeah I'm very happy with my partner, just his in-laws aren't my favourite people but I suppose that's the norm. I think I do idealise loving family set ups and sibling relationships a bit too much, but it's tricky when everything in society is based around 'family is the most important thing'

I absolutely relate to how you are feeling OP. So sorry to hear about your Mum.

I am an only child in my late 30s. I have a partner who I met last year (he is also an only child). I don't have children. Like you, I am not sure I want them. It might be too late anyway, but a big part of it is that I wouldn't be able to give them any extended family. I would simply be transferring my own lonliness down a generation.

I do think that being an only child is one of the harder cards to draw in life. Obviously there is no guarantee that you would have a life long good relationship with siblings, but with no siblings, you are guaranteed to not have that. You won't be an aunty (unless by marriage) and will never have nieces or nephews. Sometimes I go into card shops and I feel really sad looking at all the cards for the family relations I will never have.

To be honest I have had moments of feeling really depressed about it all. I dread my parents growing old and feeling entirely responsible for them. Then I dread growing old myself on my own (especially should anything happen to my partner).

I think that all you can do is to try your best to make good friends. I have a friend who is in the same situation as me. Our friendship helps make me feel less alone.

Send me a DM if you would like to chat more. Sending you my best wishes x

Oh and I absolutely understand how hard the whole 'family is everything' thing is. I sometimes feel that I am fundamentally flawed and that I am not living 'a proper life' because I don't have that.

Something that has helped me a little, especially since I have been chatting about this here on Mumsnet (I have threads of my own) is the realisation that there are more of us in this position than you might think. I have been thinking about how my life could have meaning, value and purpose by being a support to those in similar circumstances (whilst also of course helping me to feel less alone).

Good luck OP x