Struggling to fit in

[Emptynesternowstepmum]

I'm a 43 year old mum to a 24 year old daughter who lives out on her own. I was an empty nester when I met my now boyfriend who is 50 years old. We've been dating for a year and I have just moved into his place 2 weeks ago with my dog.

He has twin boys aged 12 that he has every other week.

We've just come to the end of the first week with them and I felt like the third wheel. They have a set routine and watch certain things on telly after dinner. It's not anything I want to watch. It almost feels like my partner and I live our individual lives alongside each other.

Is it a normal feeling so early on to feel like I don't know my place yet? I miss the excitement he felt when he seen me when we lived apart.

How do I ask for more attention without sounding like a needy child... or am I a needy child?? lol. Maybe it will work itself out after a couple of months??

I have kept my rental place and will keep it for three months until I feel settled enough to let it go.

How do I ask for more attention without sounding like a needy child... or am I a needy child??

You certainly sound like one, honestly. You're moaning about what they watch on TV together? Really? You begrudge them their routine? They are children.

Newsflash, his kids are more important than you are. They need their dad to be 100% present when they are with him. The needs of children always come first, and I'm happy to read that their father sounds like a good one.

Go back to your rental. This is never going to work.

Wow that was a harsh response. I absolutely love that he is a great dad and prioritises the kids!!! I wouldn't be with someone less than that.

Have you personally moved in with a man and his kids? I was kind of hoping for feedback from someone who has been where I am and could give some feedback as to whether this feeling goes away. I feel like your response is very critical with no compassion at all.

I just feel like a bit of an outsider and like I don't know where I fit... I don't want to make the kids feel put out but also trying to integrate myself into their world. It's tricky and I want to respect their lives and their relationship with their dad... you obviously didn't get that from my original post.

I’m glad you said you kept your own place. Honestly, this is what it’s going to be like. 12 year olds are past the point of taking on a new parental figure. You might as well live your own life on those weeks and let them get on with it. Get that exciting feeling back when you do meet!

I love my family life but the one thing I fantasise about is a place of my own I could disappear to for days at a time. You’d be mad to give that up. In two years those boys are going to be full adult sized and go through a very smelly phase! Imagine your life 😅

Op, you are the one who asked if you sounded like a needy child. I gave you my answer. Don't ask for opinions when you don't actually want them.

You essentially are an outsider to these children. You have come into their home, not the other way around. As a mother yourself, I would think that you would be very accepting of the fact that it's going to take a considerable amount of time before you "fit in." It's not outrageous to expect you to take a backseat for now and allowing them to carry on with the routines that are well in place, surely.

Also, you have only just moved in, have only just been through one week of his kids being there, and yet you're already struggling?

Move back to your own place.

During the weeks the boys are with their father, you are very much a third wheel.

You could either spend those weeks catching up with your family, friends, exercising and self-indulging, or accept that this relationship won't work for another 5 or 6 years.

Thanks. I thought about doing my own thing too... I guess it's a balance between what I want to do on my own and what my partner envisions for our wee unit to become. I obviously want our union to fulfil his needs too so maybe I need to communicate with him. What I fear is that if I do my own thing he'll think I'm not interested in his kids at all, which isn't the case. The last thing I want is for my partner to feel torn between me and them... in which case I'd lose hands down/every time. But just because I know I'd lose, doesn't mean I want him to FEEL like he has to choose.
It's a harder balancing act than I thought... BUT I love my partner and his kids and want this to work.

😂I have vague recollections of my brothers bedroom growing up!! Eeeeew. I only had a daughter so this situation is very different, and I'm not used to two children... an only child can't constantly bicker 😅
Thanks for your non-judgemental, light-hearted opinion. I guess I'll see how the next three months pans out...