My husband and I have been married for just over a year and together for around 7. We have a beautiful baby daughter who is 4.5 months. She is my world!
Before my daughter was born my husband promised he would quit smoking. Both cigarettes and let’s say, “herbs” which he smoked recreationally but a lot of. When my LO was born we had many arguments over his smoking as he tried to quit. There were two occasions where he smoked “herbs” whilst taking care of her - she was asleep but I was still very angry. For me this is an absolute no. I made it very clear it’s not to happen again.
He has been able to quit cigarettes by using those nicotine pouches you put in your mouth which is good because he doesn’t stink anymore and I worry a little less about his health. But he is inclined to smoke the “herbs” during the evening when me and my daughter are in bed. I have been letting it go for the most part, I may make the odd comment but he claims that quitting that too is also difficult and that the odd bit is “part of the process”.
I feel like I need to add that we’re not in the best place, my husband and I. There’s no intimacy, he’s lovely with our daughter but shows no initiative. I am very much the primary parent. I am constantly picking up after him, having to organise everything, and I find myself wondering what I’m getting out of this marriage.
This evening I went to drop my mum off at her hotel (she’s visiting us as we live overseas). She forgot something and I ran back in to get it and caught my husband smoking “herbs” whilst our baby daughter was inside in her bouncer. He ran inside when I came through the gate. I went inside, flipped, said something stupid, took my daughter and left. I dropped my mum off, came back and rather than argue in front of my baby sent him some messages telling him that he has completely broken my trust. He lied, then made excuses, then told me I’m awful because I don’t understand how hard this is for him (lol what?) then he got aggressive with me, then told me this is what I’ve wanted all along to take the baby away from him. Etc etc etc. His parents are also here and I’m also “ruining their trip like I always do” (again sorry what?)
But the bottom line is, he made a poor choice and I need to put my daughter first. I don’t want her to have a dad who smokes and who lies and I’m just sick of everything being about his smoking. I’m kind of just sick of him in general.
So I’m just lying here feeling very lonely, because I can’t really speak to anyone about it. Except my
mum who is here on holiday. So also feeling guilty because she had to see me cry and is now worried when she should be enjoying her holiday and her time with her granddaughter, guilty because I want my daughter to have a happy family life. Guilty because his parents are also here and want to see my LO.
Is it me?
:(