I feel so lonely

[Husband1984]

I love my wife dearly. We have a young son, but she has always struggled with depression. She’s always had a strained relationship with her father after her parents split when she was young. It’s got better in recent years but he’s recently re-married. And her mother is an alcoholic and they go months without speaking. Recently her grandmother passed away.

We lost a baby soon after getting married and having never drunk, she started drinking. She then cheated on me but we got over it.

Her depression means that she often sits on the sofa on her phone or kindle and does little around the house despite working part time, and I have to try to force her to spend time with our son.

Recently after the events of this year she tried kissing a friend of mine. He pushed her away. She told me but she’s been busy sorting out things after her grandmother passing and has done nothing about sorting out the issues that we have or the obvious issues that she has with her depression. I have tried to give her time and I’ve tried to talk to her about how I feel and what I need from her but she gets very defensive and won’t listen, or she listens and doesn’t change anything.

I’m lost for what to do. I’m sure you’ll all think “leave” but I don’t want to do that for numerous reasons including our son, so please don’t suggest that, but how can I get her to listen and put her phone down and stop napping, and find some energy to help around the house, spend time with her son and make an effort to repair the issues that she’s caused in our relationship?

Im so lonely, I’ve taken a step back from my social circle because I don’t want the issues to be highlighted and I don’t have my wife around me. My son is literally everything.

That sounds a very tough situation, no wonder you're lonely!

If you want to try to salvage the relationship, remember that you can only change yourself. Your wife will need to make her changes herself. If you subsequently decide that the relationship can't be git back on track, don't feel bad for ending it- it does sound problematic and probably not so healthy for your child.

I would step back into your social circle if you can, and maybe see if there is a men's mental health support group near you. You need to take care of your own mental health and wellbeing, and it sounds like you have a lot on your plate!

I understand your reluctance to leave so don't BUT only put in the effort you get from her into this relationship.

You say you've stepped back from friends as you don't want them to know but is the reality not that your feared she will try something with one of them?

My advice, get back with your social circle, build your own life and your sons life independently of hers, I feel she thinks she can do what ever she likes and you will do nothing as that's what's happened so far....

Of course you don't want to leave your child, of course you love her and feel sorry for her, but it's enabling her.

Leave her to it, when she realises you've built your own life, your happy and content she will likely realise she needs to make an effort to be a part of your life.

You can't make her see what she doesn't want to see. If you choose to stay in this relationship, this is how it's going to be. You either accept it or you leave, because she is not going to change.
If she is an alcoholic who won't spend time with her son, you have an excellent chance of getting primary custody, so access to your son need not be a concern. Document everything. Keep a log of her activities; the amount of time per day she spends with the child, the cheating, the drinking, and any other problematic behaviour. Trust me when I say you are going to need it. This relationship will eventually destroy your mental health, nor is it good for your son to witness her behaviour and be neglected by her.

The PPs have said it all really.

It takes two to tango and If she doesn’t make the effort to improve then I ‘m afraid you will have to accept the situation.

Would she accept marriage counselling?

You have to think what is best for your son. A mum with a drinking problem and a father who will eventually seriously struggle with his mental health is not what he needs I’m afraid.

Maybe also think to start some therapy yourself and check whether there is some co-dependency issue in you.