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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband unfaithful…

26 replies

Mummy2boys1990 · 19/06/2024 21:56

Looking for some advice and reassurance even though I know only I can make the decision…

Ive been with hubby for 13 years, married 2 years ago. We have 2 boys (9 & 6). We also have a business together - a restaurant - and work in it together albeit I am wfh most of the time due to having the kids, but often go in to check in or work cover shifts if needed.

2 weeks ago I found out he’d been suggestively texting one of the waitresses 20 years younger thank him, she only started work 6 weeks ago. He’d acted disconnected with me which made me suspicious and found out he’s been giving her lifts, having drinks in his car with her and texting things like ‘can’t stop thinking about you’ ‘you look so hot’ ‘you’re driving me nuts’… it was obviously leading somewhere but I stopped it by finding it.

since then he went to his mums for a week and returned home a few days ago. He’s very upset he’s hurt me, very much wants to be at home saying he’s going to figure this out and make it better… but he’s not reassuring me he loves me, and will bend over backwards to have this. He’s saying he needs time to figure this out and wants to make it up to me over time..

im absolutely devastated, he lied about it and made me think it was me being crazy and to find out it was a member of our staff is a huge insult not to mention the deceit to me anyway.

I don’t know what to do… he’s a workaholic anyway, and is v successful. We were happily married, or so I thought, he was a loving husband and great dad up until a few weeks ago. Am I being deluded? Is he just a narcissist and I didn’t realise.

To make it worse, the same situation happened 12 years ago, before kids and I gave him another chance.

OP posts:
Onthemaintrunkline · 19/06/2024 22:08

What an awful situation to find yourself in. The biggest hill you’ve to climb is the ability to trust him again. This is the second time he has thoughtlessly threatened the trust in your marriage. I’m not one to say part lightly, but if trust isn’t there, and only you can know that, can you move forward with him? I’d say he has an awful lot of honest self examination work to do, willingly, before any decision is made regarding your future together.

Aikko · 19/06/2024 23:04

Your last paragraph says it all.

Your husband has a wandering eye, lusting after pretty young things and he is not going to change.

Marblessolveeverything · 19/06/2024 23:07

Sadly I would say it has happened more than the twice you know of. If you are staying organise STI testing regularly.

Is that what you want?

Pantaloons99 · 19/06/2024 23:09

I have an image of him in my mind. It makes me physically sick.

I have never been out with an eye wondering pig because I just could not tolerate it. I have an image of him as a repeat eye wandering offender. He sounds vile. To do this right under your nose,in your shared business. It's so hard for you because of the business entanglement, the kids. He is happy to humiliate you like this. It's beyond awful.

LifeExperience · 19/06/2024 23:19

He's done it twice now. He will do it again.

Everythingiscalmfornow · 19/06/2024 23:20

This is a horrible betrayal OP.
What has happened with the waitress - is she still employed in your business? Is he still working with her?
When he went to his Mum's was he still in contact with her because I would be wondering if he has returned home to you because she has now knocked him back.
I really don't think you can trust him at all going forward.

Aquamarine1029 · 19/06/2024 23:26

He’s saying he needs time to figure this out and wants to make it up to me over time...

You should say NOPE. He betrayed you. He doesn't get to make the terms and conditions here.

To make it worse, the same situation happened 12 years ago, before kids and I gave him another chance.

Are you really willing to give him a third? Fool me twice...

He has almost undoubtedly been cheating on you the entire time you've been together. Want more for yourself.

SunflowerTed · 19/06/2024 23:31

I think I would be getting my ducks in a row! Don’t play the ‘pick me’ dance as he is not worth it! Take back control and tell him to pack his bags!

Newnamehiwhodis · 19/06/2024 23:34

added to his deceit and hurtful choices is that he’s a walking liability, behaving that way with a new hire.
it’s very hurtful. The texts don’t sound like this is the beginning. They sound like things have already gotten physical.

repeated behavior is not at all a good sign of change, op.

Secondstart1001 · 19/06/2024 23:39

I’m not sure if he’s a narcissist but he’s definitely a cheat!
Have you fired the member of staff in question? What a liberty and complete disrespect to you!
The telling thing here is that he’s not reassuring you. He wants to come home to his creature comforts but not necessarily you.
Him saying he “ will make it up to you over time” is very vague and non committal. Just be careful he’s not planning an exit while fooling you one last time.
I am sorry op, what an absolute pos he is!

Original poster
Mummy2boys1990 · 19/06/2024 23:50

Thanks for all of the advice. She left last week, yes. I’m concerned I’m going to feel this level of uncertainty and despair for a long time. I also don’t want to play the needy, desperate wife who checks on his every move. I am concerned he’s planning his exit strategy due to the lack of reassurance on his return! Unfortunately I think the majority advice is right.. Really appreciate the messages 💛

OP posts:
imfae · 20/06/2024 00:35

Hi , I think the statistics are when someone cheats once , they are 50 per cent more likely to cheat again .
I think the important point is how repentant he is and would he consider eg couples counselling or ideally individual counselling followed by couples counselling .

You have to have your own line in the sand , about what is acceptable to you and if e.g following counselling you would be able to trust him again .

I would take some time to think about what you want and if you are willing to try and get back with him . When there are kids and joint finances involved , this is not easy and I would second taking some legal advice . This would if nothing else give you the knowledge to know where you would stand financially and with the kids if you were to break up .

I would say that a week isn't a long time for him to have been out of the property , but also it is very difficult for you being left with the day to day childcare etc . You will be in turmoil . Reach out for support from friends and family and take your time .

It is not an easy path and just because you start down one path ie to stay or go , does not mean that you are stuck with that option .

You have to think of what will be best for you and your family . In an ideal world there would be no broken homes and kids would grow up with both loving parents in a secure relationship . Sadly with the divorce statistics , that is not possible for lots of families .

Even if you ultimately decide that there is no going back for you , this is not on you . It was not your behaviour that has caused this . Yes you have to think of your children but you also have to think of your own mental health and well being and sometimes that will mean that reconciliation isn't an option .
Take care FlowersFlowersFlowers

XChrome · 20/06/2024 03:01

Mummy2boys1990 · 19/06/2024 21:56

Looking for some advice and reassurance even though I know only I can make the decision…

Ive been with hubby for 13 years, married 2 years ago. We have 2 boys (9 & 6). We also have a business together - a restaurant - and work in it together albeit I am wfh most of the time due to having the kids, but often go in to check in or work cover shifts if needed.

2 weeks ago I found out he’d been suggestively texting one of the waitresses 20 years younger thank him, she only started work 6 weeks ago. He’d acted disconnected with me which made me suspicious and found out he’s been giving her lifts, having drinks in his car with her and texting things like ‘can’t stop thinking about you’ ‘you look so hot’ ‘you’re driving me nuts’… it was obviously leading somewhere but I stopped it by finding it.

since then he went to his mums for a week and returned home a few days ago. He’s very upset he’s hurt me, very much wants to be at home saying he’s going to figure this out and make it better… but he’s not reassuring me he loves me, and will bend over backwards to have this. He’s saying he needs time to figure this out and wants to make it up to me over time..

im absolutely devastated, he lied about it and made me think it was me being crazy and to find out it was a member of our staff is a huge insult not to mention the deceit to me anyway.

I don’t know what to do… he’s a workaholic anyway, and is v successful. We were happily married, or so I thought, he was a loving husband and great dad up until a few weeks ago. Am I being deluded? Is he just a narcissist and I didn’t realise.

To make it worse, the same situation happened 12 years ago, before kids and I gave him another chance.

So not only is he a cheater, he does it with much younger subordinates at work. He's a sexual harassment lawsuit waiting to happen.
There's nothing to work with here, love. He's a pervert and he's not going to change.

Secondstart1001 · 20/06/2024 06:46

@Mummy2boys1990 you sound realistic about your Hs next steps and not under the delusion he loves you / wants to be with you.
Sounds like in your gut you know he’s planning an exit so now is the time to move quickly to speak to a solicitor and also make sure he isn’t trying to hide assets from you. You sound not in complete turmoil unless you are numb with shock right now.

ShouldhavebeencalledAppollo · 20/06/2024 06:48

XChrome · 20/06/2024 03:01

So not only is he a cheater, he does it with much younger subordinates at work. He's a sexual harassment lawsuit waiting to happen.
There's nothing to work with here, love. He's a pervert and he's not going to change.

Show quote history

This.

MsDogLady · 20/06/2024 06:52

What a terrible blow, @Mummy2boys1990. Your H has been making an absolute mockery of you and the children by carrying on with your employee. The restaurant staff must consider him a huge sleaze.

He clearly has a thirst for external thrills and validation, and is willing to abuse you with gaslighting while pursuing them. He’s a repeat offender who has thrown the blessings of a second chance and your trust back in your face. Other infidelities are likely.

H’s comments after discovery show him to be unremorseful. A truly remorseful man would not be declaring that ’he needs time to figure this out and wants to make it up to me over time.’ No — he would definitively reassure you and would move mountains to prove his commitment and help you recover. He isn’t doing that, and therein lies the path to a false reconciliation. His lackluster attitude suggests that he has an agenda to bide his time, and is not quite ready to give up his home comforts or take a financial hit. It’s possible that he and OW are lying low for the time being, with plans to reunite when the dust settles.

@Mummy2boys1990, he needs to experience some sharp consequences. In your shoes I would send him away while you process all this and make your decisions. Knowledge is power, so you would be wise to consult with a solicitor to learn about your options. Personally, I would not grant him a 3rd chance.

As OW has been in H’s car multiple times and he has driven her home, I would assume that there has been some physical involvement. I suggest that you get an STD test.

Keep posting for support, @Mummy2boys1990.

Channellingsophistication · 20/06/2024 07:14

So sorry this has happened to you. Sadly the fact that he is not devastated by what he has done to you and showing no real remorse says so much. He expects to just move on meantime while he decides what he wants…

Sadly, the situation will happen time and time again if you remain together and you have to decide if you want to live your life this way or divorce and move on….

I would definitely get some legal advice

Also don’t waste time thinking about what he may be feeling or thinking, think about you and what you want and what is best for you and your DCs.

BePinkPombear · 20/06/2024 07:29

Hi OP
i think Imfae wrote a really good reply to you
FWIW I reconciled after an affair my partner had

you don’t say what ‘work’ your H put in after the his previous cheating. If he didn’t attend counselling or do self help then he hasnt been able to change up the part of psyche that enables him to carry out cheating behaviours

if he’s willing to ‘make it up to you over time’ with some serious internal work like counselling…individual and then couples if that’s what you want then there is something to work with

unlike others I don’t really get the impression he’s planning an exit, that seems unrealistic especially given the age gap with the OW.

best wishes OP

BuggeryBumFlaps · 20/06/2024 08:09

My dh had an emotional affair, it took me years to get some sort of control over the feelings it left me with. I can't imagine how I would feel if he had done it again. I left him 3 years after the discovery of the affair, because after that all the things he did that bugged me, became big things. I no longer wanted to celebrate valentines and anniversaries because they felt tainted. I felt so much better after leaving, started to feel 'me' again, not some psycho woman who had to double check and validate everything he said.

Do yourself some of the biggest favours you can and go and talk to a professional and fine out what YOU want! Don't wait around for him to decide what he wants. Take some control back for yourself .

sunflowrsngunpowdr · 20/06/2024 08:56

Personally I would divorce him now whilst you are still young enough to start over. It's a massive level of disrespect and the fact that he isn't tripping over himself to work on your relationship is showing you where he's at mentally. I'm really sorry. Keep your dignity intact and don't contact him unless you have to.

FlowerBee62 · 20/06/2024 14:17

The thing that would bother me is that all trust in him is gone,even after all the therapy and counselling most folk still admit the trust is never the same again.He has a wandering eye with young staff ,not a good mix ,you would end up worrying while he's at work or a bit late coming home in future and drive yourself crazy with suspicion, better to keep your dignity and class and tell him he's blown it.

beenwhereyouare · 10/07/2024 04:13

Secondstart1001 · 19/06/2024 23:39

I’m not sure if he’s a narcissist but he’s definitely a cheat!
Have you fired the member of staff in question? What a liberty and complete disrespect to you!
The telling thing here is that he’s not reassuring you. He wants to come home to his creature comforts but not necessarily you.
Him saying he “ will make it up to you over time” is very vague and non committal. Just be careful he’s not planning an exit while fooling you one last time.
I am sorry op, what an absolute pos he is!

If they fire the waitress, she'll have grounds to sue for sexual harassment in the workplace. He's sent texts which can be used to back up her story.

JustAnotherIdiotAgain · 10/07/2024 04:34

.

User2460177 · 10/07/2024 04:42

Secondstart1001 · 19/06/2024 23:39

I’m not sure if he’s a narcissist but he’s definitely a cheat!
Have you fired the member of staff in question? What a liberty and complete disrespect to you!
The telling thing here is that he’s not reassuring you. He wants to come home to his creature comforts but not necessarily you.
Him saying he “ will make it up to you over time” is very vague and non committal. Just be careful he’s not planning an exit while fooling you one last time.
I am sorry op, what an absolute pos he is!

It’s hard to tell without all the facts but op doesn’t say at all if she reciprocated and it sounds like sexual harassment to me. So I wouldn’t fire the victim

anonamum123 · 12/07/2024 02:22

The messages were very mutual. Although my husband initiated this, she definitely went along with it… saying she was falling head over heels… amongst other things in the space of a few weeks..