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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Should I get involved?

9 replies

Nosierosi · 19/06/2024 20:35

So for context I’m eldest of three, mum lives on own and is a pensioner, she does still work part time but not in a high paid role. She has lived on her own for a while now, youngest sibling moved out a year ago. Since then she updated council tax and gets single persons discount. Middle sibling moved out 4 years ago and is married and has a child. Relationship with middle sib has been difficult since he has been in this relationship, we were very close before. This is despite all of our family trying to be very welcoming to partner over the years they(and their family) have systematically moved through our close family one by one and fallen out with each of us. I include myself in this and to be honest it had got so tense prior to the fall out that in a way being a distance from them was very peaceful, although things have progressed over the years and now we are on civil and polite (not close) terms. It has seemed for the last year that our mum is the new target, she has essentially been frosted out.

recently middle sibling called mum to enquire over voting papers and was told that she had informed the council they’d moved out so she could get the discount. Sibling got a bit miffed that she’d done that, apparently they shouldn’t technically be living with spouse etc and by doing this it affected chances of getting mortgage in future.

a few days later they called and told mum that they were registering at her address again. Mum was clear that would mean she would get the discount, which amounts to about £500 a year. Sibling stayed silent and informed her that was what was happening and they were just letting her know.

mum is upset understandably that 1. She wasn’t informed of their plan to continue using her address, 2. That there has been no offer to cover the money she will lose out on if the council challenge her single person discount and 3. They won’t register at current address because they don’t want mil ( who they all live with) to get in trouble but seem happy that she could.

I feel angry for my mum and want to tell them that they are wrong to treat our mum in this way. There is also the fact that it’s fraud and could cause our mum a lot of trouble with the council. Mum is so upset with everything she is unlikely to do anything because she is in shock that sibling is behaving this way. I feel it’s wrong to remain silent and enable this type of behaviour. But also I don’t want to wade in to something not involving me and stir things up more, especially when it’s unlikely to achieve anything, there is no appealing to their good nature, believe me I’ve tried plenty of times before.

does anyone have any advice? What should I do? Am I overreacting?

OP posts:
222a · 19/06/2024 20:52

She needs to call the council and tell them it is only her that lives there and there is no one else at the address and ensure that the council are aware they are using her address fraudulently. They won’t take lightly to this and your sibling will be in trouble for using her address this way.

ifeelquiteboring · 19/06/2024 20:53

Absolutely you need to tell the council that your sibling is lying end of story. It sounds like they are committing benefit fraud and want the discount themselves.

ShortColdandGrey · 19/06/2024 21:03

Your mum needs to tell them no and that she is informing the council that they are lying and don’t live with her. Your sibling is being really selfish and not giving a shit about how this will affect your mum.

Nosierosi · 19/06/2024 22:49

Thanks this has made me feel better about the fact I keep coming back to the idea that I need to do something about this. My mum has said she will speak with sibling, but I have been clear with her that should they refuse to do the right thing that I will inform the council. I’ve told her to be sure to say this to them, on my behalf if they refuse. I’m resolved that I don’t need anyone in my life that would throw out mother (who is lovely) under the bus with so little consideration.

OP posts:
Opentooffers · 19/06/2024 23:41

As far as I see it, the reason for them to pretend that they live with your DM, is so that her mother can keep the council tax discount at your DM's expense. This is both fraudulent and unfair given that there are 3 adults to pay towards it at her residence. It's for your siblings MIL to charge them for it and her problem if she let's them stay without paying.
Your DM has already done her bit by deregistering them at her address, so it's not her who will get in trouble over this. If they discover it, she will get a letter asking to confirm who lives there, at which point she can confirm she lives alone. As this is true, there will be no proof that they live there, so they will get in trouble. There might be some sort of benefits they are claiming too. Do they have a DC? If his DW is trying to claim benefits as a single parent, that's on her lying about it.
Fraud is fraud, I have little sympathy as a prior lone parent who's only entitlement benefit was council tax rebate, because I work for a living. If they are worried about getting caught, the answer is don't do it in the first place.

CalicoPusscat · 20/06/2024 00:36

Middle sib is being awful, yes to supporting your mother in this.

Nosierosi · 21/06/2024 18:49

Bit of an update. Sib called mum today whilst I was there to invite her over (first time in 6 months) mum again said a few times she wasn’t happy about the council tax and explained why. Sib just told her not to worry or stayed silent. At this point I spoke with him and told him that they needed to do the right thing or I would, and that I didn’t care what schemes they are up to but I wouldn’t let them throw mum under the bus in this way.

Cue pandemonium, mother in law then calls mum to say no reason why they can’t be registered at her address, partner calls my dad to say sibling is upset etc they are now implying that they wanted to get key workers discount on a house. I think this is a smoke screen as they have always maintained they have no interest in living in the borough and also sibling works for council but is not a teacher, nhs employee or social worker. They also don’t work in this borough.

i feel a bit mixed about my actions. On the one hand i do think it was morallyright, I can’t stand by and see my mum taken advantage of in this way. Also the fact they only decided to do by mums wishes because I threatened to report them makes me think something bigger is going on, I don’t want me or mum to be complicit. But my dad made a comment to me along the line of “this is between them” which makes me feel like I overstepped a bit. Families can be complex things can’t they…

OP posts:
222a · 21/06/2024 18:54

You haven’t overstepped, you’ve given them fair warning. I would stick by your word and support your mum.

all ganging up on your mum to manipulate her into doing something that benefits all of them and not her.

JanefromLondon1 · 21/06/2024 18:59

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