Putting STBEXH's feelings first

[Toomuchcoffee83]

We're separating, and I am trying so hard to keep it amicable for the kids (he doesn't want to split, I've had more than enough of his extreme selfishness)

But amicable seems to mean he gets everything his own way, otherwise he becomes hysterical in front of the kids.

For anyone in this position, how did you handle it?

Gently gently, til he gets bored and meets someone else (hopefully), or did you just stop being 'nice' and let it get nasty?

I think firm and calm grey rock his behaviour is the only way forward it won’t be you who makes it nasty and letting him have his own way won’t help in the long term setting out boundaries now is the only way forward

Ime your dc should grow up knowing age related truths. My exh was an abusive cunt who bad mouthed me to hell. I kept quiet. Ds's never even knew he raped me. He died and they now sport huge DAD tattoos. When memories come back I can't imagine how they will feel. Allowing him up in a pedestal isn't in dc's best interests...

Grey rock and rise above it. My god it’s hard but it’s the only way.

Mentally picture a light at the end of a tunnel

but there’s a very fine line between appeasing him and been taken advantage of

Thanks all !

@Harassedevictee @rwalker

Light at the end of a tunnel is exactly what I think about, when I want to scream at his latest idiocy, but force myself to be pleasant.

It has taken YEARS to get to this stage where we are splitting.

Don't put HIS feelings first. Put your values and morals first and his feelings are his responsibility

There is a difference between being pleasant whilst keeping in secure boundaries and not allowing him to do anything other than a minimum 50/50 split and being too nice cos you either feel guilty or want to appease him

the first is fine

I love this. I will save this message and use it to help me in my dealings with my ex, too. Thank you.

op, I was/ have been in your shoes since the beginning of the year. I prioritised his needs to begin with, even though he’d categorically deny this. I have recently started setting some boundaries though because he has been treating me worse and worse, now adding verbal abuse to his repertoire.

One of the reason for the split was that I did always prioritise his wellbeing, his needs, his moods, tip toeing around and convincing myself and others that all is well, when in reality it was really dysfunctional.

With the kids, I share little and do my best to remain neutral in my tone. I found anything else and they felt the need to side with him and defend him, because clearly he is the victim.

Whenever it's trivial enough to do so, just say nothing and roll your eyes at him. Let him take the small wins over things that barely matter, save your energy to stand your ground on the bigger battles.

He's conditioned you to put his feeling first and maintain the peace and it takes a long time to identify what you are doing and stop it.
I found the only thing that worked was to repeat myself when I said no, not make excuses and just remove myself and the kids every time he started acting unreasonably/disregarding boundaries in front of them or me. He took a massive strop and disappeared for months and oh my god it was bliss! Can you get counselling for you and possibly your kids? It helps remind you that you aren't being unreasonable and help you to build and maintain boundaries.
Also make sure everything very important to you and kids (sentimental or practical like paperwork) is out the house and off somewhere safe asap as it will likely go missing otherwise. Good luck!

Oh this sounds a bit like me. I'm totally stuck and he isn't leaving (although agreed in principle to the plan) I think I'm clinging to a fantasy that it will happen nicely and we'll be able to co-parent well together, with the fear that if it gets nasty, there's no going back? Sending you all the strength and luck OP, would love to hear more about how it goes

Get separate homes ASAP. Don't engage with crazy. Schedule kid visits on scheduling software like Our Family Wizard to limit contact. Do not see him in person, talk on the phone or respond to any abusive texts. If he comes to your home to berate you, involve the authorities and get an order of protection. This is coercive control, which is abuse. You may even want to go to a DV shelter, as he may escalate to violence. He is exactly the sort of man who would.

I'm separated. On those rare occasions when we talk on the phone about selling the family home and other legal matters, if he goes into a rage, I just hang up on him. The last time it was because I didn't like the realtor he wanted to hire. As soon as he started to raise his voice, I hung up, thereby cutting off his tantrum.
So while he still makes the occasional attempt, his rages are much less frequent.

@CuppaTea23

yes, that’s it “the fear that if it gets nasty there will be no going back”

friends and family keep urging me to be more assertive and less conciliatory - I often feel so pissed off that , as ever, his feelings are the most important and I’m still pussyfooting around him

but then, slowly, I’m getting what I want (not being married to him) while it’s better for the kids that we seem to be ‘co parenting’ amicably

It’s just so hard.

eyes on the prize!

Op have you talked to woman's aid? If not I highly recommend you do.
He's emotionally abusing you, while he's keeping the peace outwardly he's already turned nasty unfortunately. Your fear is normal and understandable though.