Should I expect this in a relationship?

[Sweetieone]

Hey everyone

So, I live mostly alone (my son is at uni) and I have a partner who lives about 2 hours away. Something that I really like and missed about being in a relationship is having someone (for want of a better word) “worry” about me, like when I go out for a night out with friends, that my partner asks me drop him a line to let him know I’m home okay etc. My partner didn’t do this, and so I asked him to and explained that I’d like it if someone knew if I didn’t make it home and that I’d like to feel like he’d actually like to know.

Yesterday he went to Scotland to help his uncle with his house, we talked at 11am and I told him I was about to set off on a very long motorway journey (which I’m not keen on), to collect my son and help him move to a new place. My partner said “good luck” but didn’t ask me to let him know if I got back ok and unusually (because he was busy I guess), I didn’t hear from him again for about 9 hours, until the evening.

i dunno why, but I feel quite upset that it he couldn’t find a minute to check in, or ask me to drop him a message and that it obviously didn’t criss his mind to check in to see if I was back okay . Maybe I feel hurt because I’m the opposite, I always ask him, and if I don’t hear from him or he’s been much longer than expected, I’ll just check in.

Do you think I’m asking too much and being too sensitive? Do you think because he’s away and busy I shouldn’t expect his consideration when it comes to this and it was okay to wait until the evening? I don’t know if I should bring it up or let it slide.

Thanks for reading xx

I wouldn’t expect it, and it would annoy me if someone did check up on me all the time.

If you were travelling to see your son, he’s the person who should be made aware when you set off and if there are any hold-ups. There’s nothing your partner can do about it.

You’re asking for what you want, it’s up to your partner to decide if it’s too much for him to give. The fact that you are sensitive about it just signifies how important it is to you. He needs to know that. It’s not unreasonable for it not to come naturally to him, hence overlooking it on a very busy day, but it’s also not unreasonable for you to be hurt. Talk to him.

I'd feel the same as you, to be honest.
I adore the fact that my partner checks in on me. He also texts me every morning when he gets to work, so I know he got there safely. It may sound silly to some, but those small gestures of consideration and thought mean a lot to some people.
You are not being sensitive or asking too much. How you go about changing this, I don't know. I suppose weigh up the entire relationship. If this is his only " flaw," it's not a deal breaker in my opinion, but if there's a few things lacking that you really want and need, then maybe part ways. Life is too short to settle for less than what you want and deserve.

I would only appreciate this if it happened naturally - not if it was asked for. It’s like expecting flowers because I’m female. ( I don’t! )

No I wouldn't expect or want this but when he does it's very nice to feel cared for because it came from him not suggested to say. I prefer to be my own independent self

No I would not expect or need that.

I mean I personally would find this a little odd.

Just because he doesn’t check in with you after you have took a trip out it means absolutely nothing in terms of his feelings for you.

Id also become irritated for example if I agreed to do it to keep you happy but forgot one time only for you to take a massive huff!

Honestly I think you are being a tad unreasonable! I mean you are literally FORCING him to check in on you

I grew up with checking in being normal, even just making sure that friends I'd been with on a night out had got home safely. My DH didn't, which led to some conflict and upset early in our relationship when it was still long distance because I assumed, wrongly, that it meant he didn't really care very much about me. Rather than feeling infantilised or stalked he decided that he liked having someone invested in his welfare and was willing to reciprocate. We now stay in regular contact whenever either of us is away from home.

My partner does this, I absolutely love it. My ex never did, I never felt cared for or looked after. I don't find it annoying at all so I understand why you want it.

I don't think it would mean the same if I had to ask him to do it though. I think it has to come naturally and if he's not that way inclined then you need to decide how much it matters to you I guess.

If the checking doesn't come naturally don't force it.
Some people like it some people don't. I don't think is right or wrong.

We do the opposite in my family it is up to the one who travel to let them know they arrived safe with a quick text.

Some see the checking in all the time as coercive control.

No I don’t expect it all the time at all. I live alone and don’t see my partner that much. I’m independent, but I guess because I don’t have a lot of the relationship stuff like physical presence then I really like the feeling that I have someone who cares if im
okay or not if I’m out alone very late or if i have a 4 hour motorway trip

This Might be different if you were living with him though.

This is one of the few things that I miss about being in a relationship.
I have an unspoken arrangement with my best friend where if I let him know I am travelling, he will WhatsApp me to make sure I'm there ok. I do the same for him.

All I can say is that there is an expectation that people will get to a destination ok. Your partner clearly considers you competent! He possibly isn't as 'new relationship, thinking about you all the time' phase any more, that's all.

Maybe arrange with a friend to check in with them if you are going out alone and would be happier with backup if needed?

No , I wouldn't want or expect this. Sounds suffocating.

What do you get from this? He lives two hours away - how often do you see each other? How long has this been going on ?

Personally I’d hate this, I have a few friends that ask me to let them know I’ve arrived somewhere ok, or check in once at my destination etc, I never do as I don’t like to have to remember to text someone at a certain point.
id feel smothered if a partner started doing this or expecting it.

however, we’re all different. You can ask him, and remind him when he doesn’t but it doesn’t sound like he’s going to remember to.

No, I'd find it odd if someone who lived 2 hours from me, that I didn't see often, were to check up on me like this.
It would be different if you lived together, but you are trying to make a relationship that has limitations by being LD, run in a similar format as a living together situation. For your own reasons, that is not a stage your relationship is at.
If you want that from a relationship, find someone nearer, who you can see more of and have plans to live with. I think you are probably not getting what you'd really prefer our of a relationship because it's LD and it's leaving you frustrated.

Possibly but he was away in Scotland doing something with family. Not 2 hours away. But I think yes, perhaps the distance is frustrating me and maybe it’s wrapped up in that