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Original poster

Tips for managing kids with new boyfriend

13 replies

itslunicorns · 19/06/2024 10:31

After 4 years separation, I've found a lovely man (there is hope!).

He has 2 kids who are slightly older than my kids (7&5). I'm thinking ahead a bit and we're in no rush to rock the careful balance we both have with ex's.

What have others done when it has become time to meet the kids and potentially integrate the families?

What should we consider that's going to help the kids feel comfortable? Also the thought of managing 4 kids under 1 roof is freaking me out!

OP posts:
BodenCardiganNot · 19/06/2024 10:35

What age are his children?
Will you move in together into a new house or will you move to his or he to yours? Will there be enough bedrooms so that children won't have to share - this seems to be one of the biggest issues when families 'blend'.
How often does he have his kids and how often do you have yours?
Does he pay maintenance to his ex? Does your ex pay maintenance to you?
How will your finances work?
Do you share the same parenting values? Are yours on screens all the time and his out playing on bikes and scooters?
Have a read of the step parenting board and you will get a real flavour of the pitfalls and problems.

Original poster
itslunicorns · 19/06/2024 12:22

Ahh thank you - I'd missed there was a step-parenting board.

OP posts:
boombang · 19/06/2024 12:24

ideally stay in separate homes until they children are adults

Pinkbonbon · 19/06/2024 12:36

I wouldn't merge homes. Absolutely not.
Maybe if you both only had one child and they were both the same gender...one day.
But 4 kids? Nah. No chance. Not unless you can afford a huge home where everyone would have lots of space from eachother...and lots of bathrooms.

Keep it light and fun. No need to merge families.

jeaux90 · 19/06/2024 12:50

I would not be merging houses for several years. We have waited for the right timing for this but in the meantime we have done holidays and weekends together.

We met when my DD was 7 his DS was 11, my DD is now 15 and his DS is at university. We are now looking for a home altogether.

You do not want opposite sex non siblings in a small house for dignity and privacy reasons. Merging families is a long term thing not to be taken lightly.

OrlandointheWilderness · 19/06/2024 12:53

My DP have a dc each - mine is 12 DD and his 13 DS. My tip would be to treat both the same and most importantly you NEED to be on the same page or it won't work. Blending families can be a wonderful thing if done right - it certainly has for us but there are always teething troubles. Don't rush to move in together, take your time.

Drizzlebizzle · 19/06/2024 12:56

You couldn't pay me enough to live with someone else's small children.

Ponderingwindow · 19/06/2024 12:56

you only merge households if everyone is a match. It’s not enough for the two of you to work as a couple.

Secondstart1001 · 19/06/2024 23:56

I don’t think you should even think about integrating families at this point. While it’s lovely you’ve found someone, you really need to get to know him a lot more.
He needs to take a step up from being a boyfriend to being a partner. There is a big difference.
When my kids met my dp we went on a fun group activity to break the ice and some dessert, nothing too heavy. His kids are 9 and 11 and mine 12 and 18. So my younger one loves their company and older daughter is as a much older child more into her own life. So we built these activities up and after 4 years together he will move in with me as his children live with their mum most of the time so they will be with us Eow and holidays . I’ve taken it slower than most but it’s been a good journey.

Aquamarine1029 · 19/06/2024 23:59

Don't merge your households. It is almost never in the best interests of the kids.

Secondstart1001 · 20/06/2024 00:12

Pinkbonbon · 19/06/2024 12:36

I wouldn't merge homes. Absolutely not.
Maybe if you both only had one child and they were both the same gender...one day.
But 4 kids? Nah. No chance. Not unless you can afford a huge home where everyone would have lots of space from eachother...and lots of bathrooms.

Keep it light and fun. No need to merge families.

Yes exactly this! We are going to eventually put both our homes on rent for a home that can be my dcs permanent residence as well
as accommodate his children Eow and holidays. We all need our space and privacy!

Original poster
itslunicorns · 20/06/2024 03:05

Thanks so much for the advice. This is all excellent - as is the step-parenting board.

Yes absolutely no rush for anything and we're enjoying things as they develop. It's a relief to hear that people don't blend larger families so much in 1 home. I was struggling to see that working so hearing that has made me relax more about whatever the future holds. Exciting times.
Thanks MN!

OP posts:
BettyBardMacDonald · 20/06/2024 03:11

boombang · 19/06/2024 12:24

ideally stay in separate homes until they children are adults

This. They aren't dating him, you are. They shouldn't have a stranger foisted into their home just to accommodate their mother's love life.

Your kids, not your desire for romance, should be your priority until they are grown. They've been through enough already.

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