Losing the dog in the break up

[runningaway90]

I'm sure some people will recognise me from previous thread that I have had tonnes of great advice on. I am trying to leave my emotionally/ financially abusive partner, I honestly feel completely done with the relationship and ready to go. I have been having weekly counselling sessions for past 6/7 months which has helped immensely. I have a holiday coming up in a week without him which I gave myself as the cut off date to have finally ended things but still struggling.
I have come to realise the main sticking point is losing our shared dog and worrying about how he will take care of her. I have had a lot of advice about how to take her and I have ultimately realised it is just not possible. From a practical side but also from the financial abuse side, I know that if I take her with me he will do whatever he can to make sure I walk away with as little money as possible. I'm not sure I'll have much anyway but I need my fair share. I don't want any more practical advice on how to take her, I'm aware of it all but the situation is a bit more complicated than I want to detail - I ultimately don't have much control over it and he has refused to share her in past discussions. So just looking for some advice on how to accept leaving her? I really feel I run the risk of staying for her as I am so attached and love her, I literally well up any time I think of leaving her with him and never seeing her again but I just know I can't stay. Thanks in advance.

@runningaway90 I feel your pain having lost a beloved pet recently myself. It’s unfortunate you can’t take the dog but ultimately you need to leave for your own safety. It sounds like your partner would use the dog to manipulate you if you tried to share or take her so you are being very brave in doing the right thing of leaving her. There is no easy way to leave behind a pet you love, no doubt she has been your main comfort during your difficult relationship. Animals provide us with companionship that is often deeper than with other people as they cannot disappoint, disagree or betray in the way a person can. They offer comfort at our darkest times and are always available when we need them. Leaving that behind is heartbreaking but ultimately necessary to save yourself. As hard as it is to admit, our pets will adjust to a change of circumstances much quicker than we do. They accept because they cannot understand but that doesn’t mean she won’t miss you.

I wish I could give you some great advice to make it easier but it’s one of those situations that you just have to power through. You’ve set your deadline to leave, you are ready to go, now you have to brave and take that final step. You say goodbye to your dog and go forward knowing that you tried your hardest to take her but ultimately you couldn’t sacrifice yourself for her. Then you grieve but take comfort in the fact she is still living.

You are stronger than you know

Thank you, that all describes how I am feeling. She has been a constant positive and comfort for me when things have been bad in the relationship. I feel like I am failing her by leaving her but I just don't think there is any other option. You're right that she will adjust and I hope my partner will have the decency to look after her well if he is so adamant he wants to keep her. I have a small glimmer of hope that he may decide she is too much work and therefore let me be involved once I am settled but I won't know until it's over. It's just having that courage to go and likely lose her. Thanks for the understanding. Most people either just say you can't ruin your life for a dog or on the other hand almost berate you for considering leaving the dog with someone abusive but I just can't find any other option other than me staying too.

My ex did this to me with our cats OP - I said I would take them as soon as I could, he played the martyr and said no no, he loved the cats, he wanted to keep them. Turned out he didn't, he just wanted to make sure he had a reason for me to keep running round to his at short notice - "I'm not coming home tonight, you'll have to go and feed them" (sent to me at 10.30pm on a weeknight when I lived half an hour away!). In the end I rehomed the cats as I wasn't in a position to take them and he clearly didn't actually want them... in short it sounds like your ex is similar, wants the dog more as a bargaining chip/ way to keep control over you, and hopefully will get bored with the realities of pet ownership on his own!

@runningaway90 you are not failing her, not one bit. You are ensuring your own safety and hopefully down the line you can get her back but as @LadyJuliaGrey said it may not be in your best interest to maintain contact over the dog.

The pain you feel at leaving her is legitimate, the bond you have is real and no one can take away the love you have for each other or the time you have shared. Hold on to the happy memories you have with her but you know you have to let her go, at least for now.

Almost the hardest thing about leaving my alcoholic ex was leaving the dog. I had to leave with my son and move into a rented flat that didn't allow pets and anyway it was more my ex's dog. But I feel your pain. I remember getting up at 3am and sitting with the dog, knowing I had to go but feeling such pain at leaving her behind, guilt at the dog wondering where I was and thinking I'd abandoned her. My ex did look after the dog and it just had to be done. She was old and she actually adjusted well. Wishing you strength and luck

@runningaway90 Hi OP, I don't know your circumstances as I haven't seen your other threads. But I wanted to share this link with you as it may offer you an option you haven't thought of. www.dogstrustfreedom.org.uk

I have been a foster carer for dogs whose brave mums are leaving an unhealthy/unsafe relationship. I care for the dogs with so much love, keep updates on them, keep them safe and happy. And when the time is right and a suitable home had been arranged for the women, the dogs are returned to them.

Oh God, I absolutely feel for you. I’ve been there. Is there anyone else that could take care of your beloved doggie while you sort out housing? If not then you need to make peace with it by clinging ont to the fact that she is loved and well taken care of (my ex starved and beat mine, I went through court to get him back!). If he lives and cares for her then let him have her and move on. Your dog will never forget you and you need to put your own oxygen mask on first and then reattack this. But not now. Rehome yourself and then get thinking xx

You need to file a report with the police for the abuse and neglect it doesn’t need to be physical to be an offence victim support will issue you a support worker and access to legal advice so take your dog on the grounds of welfare given your concern he will take your actions out on her or may give her to a rescue out of spite no judge is going to allow your ex control over money because you took the dog

I would have to tell myself it's just for a while. That I will get settled then help him with the dog- holidays etc, that eventually he'll let her go.

But never let him know it matters to you.

Personally I wouldn't leave a pet with an abusive man. I'd take him with me.

You are a good soul.

OP has decided she cannot go on living with her abuser and cannot take her pet with her.

I think posts like yours only serve to make her feel guilty and potentially shame her into staying with her abuser.

I'm sure it wasn't your intention, however it's a bit of a thoughtless way to engage with a victim of abuse who has explicitly said that the fear of not taking the dog is what is preventing her leaving her abuser but she cannot possibly take the dog and has specifically asked for help in accepting that.

Speaking from experience here. Over 16 years ago I wanted to leave my physically and emotionally abusive ex. I didn’t leave for a long time because we had 3 dogs and I couldn’t bare the thought of leaving them with him. Idiot here even put him on my mortgage thinking it would spur him to actually paying his way, half the time he didn’t turn up for work so a good portion of the bills fell on me. After watching my nan die of cancer, during this time I had asked my grandad if I could move him and he said yes but not with the dogs while your nan is so poorly so I stayed., one night he flipped, battered me round the head and locked me outside in my pyjamas and dressing down I plucked up the courage to say enough is enough and I went to stay with my grandad. he messaged a few days later saying he had moved out. When I got to my house he had locked every door open and taken all my electrical things. Anyway to cut to the chase. I couldn’t get him off the mortgage, wouldn’t let me sell it, I met a new partner (now husband) and he wouldn’t let him buy him out. I fell pregnant and he would break in and be waiting for me when I got home from work and my partner was at work, police couldn’t do anything because it was his house technically. Solicitor couldn’t get the mortgage company to help, even though he’d only been on the mortgage for two months. In the end my now hubby asked me to hand the keys back and he would get a mortgage on his own, I had no choice so I did. My credit rating went with it, they sold it at auction and I ended up owing thousands. After that my ex didn’t work so he didn’t have to pay any of the joint debt back, people like this don’t change. You need to get out and I know it’s heartbreaking but look into the dogs trust options with the dogs, also please please get some legal advice so you don’t end up screwed over financially.

Thank you I appreciate this as that's what I'm really asking and trying to figure out. Of course I don't want to leave her with him, that's why I am so torn up and all I want is to take her with me. I just don't know what option I have otherwise or I'd do it?! And I am going to try and keep her if I can but I also have to balance that with the anger that comes from selling the house and trying to be safe.

@runningaway90 please don’t let this type of comment set you back. You are no use to your dog if you stay and let this abuse continue. You need to stick to your plan to leave this week, you cannot live life this any more. Your soon to be ex hasn’t shown violent behaviour towards the dog previously so there’s no reason to expect that will be the case. Perhaps you could contact a mutual friend to check in a few days after you leave to make sure the dog looks well taken care of. Ultimately you need to put yourself first in this situation, no matter how hard that is.

I think in your position, I would focus on your safe exit from the relationship and getting on holiday. You absolutely can do this and you’re stronger than you realise or perhaps feel at times.
You will come back from holiday with a much clearer perspective and by that stage, without planting false hope, your indifference about the dog may mean your ex doesn’t want it.

If not, I hope by that point you’ve had enough time away to really clear your head and focus on the practicalities of starting your new life.

I think you’re right to put your own needs and happiness above that of the dog. I’d try to really picture the happiness you will experience in life once you’re completely out of this relationship, and focus on getting yourself to that point. I realise this is an impossible ask, but I think you almost are going to have to put the dog out of your mind to really keep the focus on the end goal.

But I will say this. In life we have to make difficult decisions, and often they hurt. Life doesn’t stay the same forever - good and bad. There will be a time in the future where you will be able to find the happiness the dog gives you from another source, and remember the happy/ fond memories that you had with this dog. I’m not saying the dog is replaceable, just that this chapter is now closing and the dog is one part of it that is going to close with it.

It’s ok to feel sadness or grief at walking away from the dog. That’s natural xx

If he won't be reasonable over the dog why would you think he'd be reasonable over finances ?

He can still refuse to sell for years and drag it out so you get less

You can't really think that an arsehole such as this will be reasonable over the house because you let him have the dog?

Take the dog, get what you're entitled to from the house even if it takes years

It sounds like he would do anything to punish you including keeping the house 'because the dog lives there' to rehoming the dog 'because you're making me sell the house'

He's a cunt, you have to fight cunts with endless resilience if you can

You're either entitled to what you're entitled to or you're not - either way he is NOT reasonable

Well congratulations on making OP feel even crappier for no reason at all.
Don't you think she would if she could?

He may be using your love for the dog as a pawn in his game.
He may not actually really want to be bothered with the dog, but wants to keep it as a punishment & to cause you pain.
If you try & fight for the dog he will deliberately block you having it.
Whereas if you say "well you'll have the hassle, vets bills, food to buy, feeding, walking ... Jog on". He may think you don't care & not resist ?
realistically if he's working, it may not suit him to keep the dog.

Lots of people have said the same as me. If you don't like it then either comment on all of them, or jog on.

@runningaway90 i hope you’re doing ok