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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

I already feel rubbish

8 replies

Littlel1982 · 18/06/2024 21:51

Years ago I was in a relationship with my now ex, he was abusive and always hitting me. I used to use a website for things I liked and met a guy on there and speaking for 2 years I kinda developed a crush, we eventually met up as he didn't live to far and we had sex, we met a few times and in my deluded mind I thought he'd be the one to take me away from the stuff going on at home, turns out he was just using me and I pleaded and begged with him but he wasn't interested in me, he'd tell me to call him and get other women to give me abuse on the phone, the usual I'm fat and ugly. me and my abusive ex eventually split up and I tried Internet dating, the guy that I had a fling was soon in my messages, telling me I'd never get better than him, I'd block but he'd make a new one dating profile up and it was just 'hi want sex' . I eventually gave up and decided to be by myself and have been for the past 5 years.i changed my phone number, closed messaging apps the lot I disappeared because he was randomly sending me messages
. Last week the fling sent me an email, I didn't recognise his email address and said he'd changed, how sorry he was and all that rubbish, I gave him the benefit of the doubt and met up with him, before I know it we are having sex and since then he's disappeared, leaving me feeling dirty and used like he did before. I've not contacted him since because I know he will get nasty and be abusive towards me. He let slip after he has old sex videos of us together and how he never visited the site we met on anymore but could tell me it closed down.

I feel bad I had an affair to begin with and even worse with a man who treated me like I was nothing and let him use me. I'm kicking myself for trusting he'd changed the last time. I had nightmares last time, always worried someone would attack me.

I know it's jumbled and silly sounding but I'm in bits.

OP posts:
CalicoPusscat · 18/06/2024 22:08

There is something seriously wrong with him.

Focus on other things and gradually build back up your confidence, happiness and independence

Littlel1982 · 18/06/2024 22:24

CalicoPusscat · 18/06/2024 22:08

There is something seriously wrong with him.

Focus on other things and gradually build back up your confidence, happiness and independence

Don't know why he targets me I didn't date him he didn't want me.

OP posts:
CalicoPusscat · 18/06/2024 22:49

Control, power games. Don't keep in contact with him and don't sleep with him.

GreyCarpet · 19/06/2024 07:06

Littlel1982 · 18/06/2024 22:24

Don't know why he targets me I didn't date him he didn't want me.

Bluntly, because you let him behave like this towards you.

How many times did you call him only for him to encourage another woman to insult you? Because most women would only have that happen once and never speak to him again.

In terms of what motivates him, that's easy. He is weak, insecure and feels inadequate. Treating you in this way makes him feel powerful and in control because he has met someone he perceives to be even more pathetic than he is. He has no respect for you precisely because you let him behave this way towards you.

The most important question for you to answer is why do you let him and what are you going to do about it?

Littlel1982 · 19/06/2024 09:21

GreyCarpet · 19/06/2024 07:06

Bluntly, because you let him behave like this towards you.

How many times did you call him only for him to encourage another woman to insult you? Because most women would only have that happen once and never speak to him again.

In terms of what motivates him, that's easy. He is weak, insecure and feels inadequate. Treating you in this way makes him feel powerful and in control because he has met someone he perceives to be even more pathetic than he is. He has no respect for you precisely because you let him behave this way towards you.

The most important question for you to answer is why do you let him and what are you going to do about it?

I don't know why I let him. I know it's not right but can't help it. I end up feeling down and not eat.

OP posts:
GreyCarpet · 19/06/2024 12:53

Littlel1982 · 19/06/2024 09:21

I don't know why I let him. I know it's not right but can't help it. I end up feeling down and not eat.

Block him then. And then he can't suggest it and you can't give in to it.

You will feel stronger just by taking that small step.

StrawberryWater · 19/06/2024 13:14

Block him and work on your self esteem. Don't give in to him again.

If he contacts you tell him this:

"In no uncertain terms do I want contact from you. Any more contact will be deemed as harassment and I will go to the police. These so called videos you have of me will also be treated as a similar threat and the fact you still have them has already been logged with 101."

GreyCarpet · 19/06/2024 16:09

And you can help it. You have agency in your own life. He can't make you do something you don't want/aren't willing to do.

You can choose to allow him to treat you in this way or you can choose not to.

The choice is yours...

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