Years ago I was in a relationship with my now ex, he was abusive and always hitting me. I used to use a website for things I liked and met a guy on there and speaking for 2 years I kinda developed a crush, we eventually met up as he didn't live to far and we had sex, we met a few times and in my deluded mind I thought he'd be the one to take me away from the stuff going on at home, turns out he was just using me and I pleaded and begged with him but he wasn't interested in me, he'd tell me to call him and get other women to give me abuse on the phone, the usual I'm fat and ugly. me and my abusive ex eventually split up and I tried Internet dating, the guy that I had a fling was soon in my messages, telling me I'd never get better than him, I'd block but he'd make a new one dating profile up and it was just 'hi want sex' . I eventually gave up and decided to be by myself and have been for the past 5 years.i changed my phone number, closed messaging apps the lot I disappeared because he was randomly sending me messages
. Last week the fling sent me an email, I didn't recognise his email address and said he'd changed, how sorry he was and all that rubbish, I gave him the benefit of the doubt and met up with him, before I know it we are having sex and since then he's disappeared, leaving me feeling dirty and used like he did before. I've not contacted him since because I know he will get nasty and be abusive towards me. He let slip after he has old sex videos of us together and how he never visited the site we met on anymore but could tell me it closed down.
I feel bad I had an affair to begin with and even worse with a man who treated me like I was nothing and let him use me. I'm kicking myself for trusting he'd changed the last time. I had nightmares last time, always worried someone would attack me.
I know it's jumbled and silly sounding but I'm in bits.