Would this bother you?

[GEK1983]

If you were unwell, not seriously but just poorly with a bad virus and your partner (long distance), knew about it and told you to take care of yourself in a nice way but then they proceeded not to check on you( and you know they've been online) for the next day or two would that bother you? Am I being too sensitive? Sometimes it feels like he's there when I'm well and not going through anything bad because then we have a lot of chat and laughs etc but when I'm going through it, I don't hear from him as much, or at all.

If it's LESS when you're sick, that's shit. Just means he's a fair weather boyfriend.

Yeah it would be nice to know someone cares and asks after you when you're ill...

That's my concern. It's most the day every day chat when I'm well but not even had a 'how you feeling?' Text today. I recently had a bereavement and he was there a little over text but didn't really call etc. He said because it was time for family. This is a man claiming to love me but I'd definitely be showing concern if it was the other way around. I don't know what to think or how to react when he inevitably messages me in future.

I would expect them to ask how I am feeling for sure, as I would do the same. It shows care and that they remember.

It would an annoy me OP and have me questioning the relationship.

The petty side of me wants to ignore him when I next hear from him but I know that's not very mature, equally, I shouldn't have to tell him I'd hoped for a bit of care. That should have been standard. Do I see this as a red flag for a long term, living together relationship?

One of the things that made me stay in love with DH was that he is there during crisis. If you want easy FWB fine, I didn't.

It’s shit, and it’s very telling. I wouldn’t want to be bothered with someone so low on empathy or care for others.

He reckons he's a really empathetic person as well lol. I'm having doubts about if he's telling me the truth about his feelings for me or whether he wants someone he can be casual with whenever he comes over here. I don't want a fwb relationship, I want more. I have strong feelings for him. Don't know what to do next.

If he can’t even be bothered to send a text to check in on you, imagine what he’ll be like if you live together. In my opinion this sort of behaviour is a sign they see the relationship as all about them and about it fulfilling their needs rather than a mutual partnership.

Yes I would be upset that h didn't even send a quick text. Doesn't bode well

Seems like we are all in agreement then. I didn't know if I was being sensitive and people may have said 'he's letting you rest', for example. We are supposed to see each other again next month and spend the weekend together. I don't know how I feel about that now tbh. I feel a bit flat.

Someone who verbally states they are "very empathetic" usually isn't.

Ime they are usually a narcissist but that's a reach from the little amount of information on this thread.

Funnily enough he's also used the words 'I'm not a narcissist' when someone referred to him as one once. Tbf this person did seem to have bad motives. Should I ignore him for a bit lol? Talk to him about if he messages me? Sack him off? I actually really have feelings for him so feel really sad at the idea of never being around him again.

In a mutually loving relationship you feel cherished. It takes two seconds to send a supportive text, if someone long distance doesn’t even do that simple task for bereavements/illnesses/bad news etc it shows you who they are and that you are not a priority. Actions speak louder than words.

Even at the very start of our relationship, DP consistently did things that made me feel truly cared for. Exes hadn’t. You deserve more than a bare minimum you know.

My general feeling on people, especially dating potentials, is those that claim loudly to be (or not to be) something- are the opposite.

Good example- the “I’m just so laid back” crowd. Always the most uptight, anxious people I’ve ever met 🤣🤣 So I’d ignore him telling you how “empathetic” he is, and maybe just see for yourself.

I agree. He says he's laid back but is very insecure. Ugh don't know how to respond now whenever he says something.

There are sometimes not great reasons why men start up LDR's, they like the distance so it doesn't get serious and they can just enjoy fun moments without needing to support. Looks like this is his plan unfortunately.

If he’s very insecure he could think that you telling him you’re ill is a way of getting him to leave you in peace for a while. Or he could be someone that just likes to be left alone when they’re ill and not fussed- my DH is like this- so might assume that he is doing you a favour by not bothering you.

I would just have an honest conversation with him- if things have been going fine up until now I wouldn’t write off the relationship just over this.

He's very emotionally unavailable.

Kick him back out to sea.

I refer to this as the Posh Spice Rule. If you have to say it, it isn't true.

Sounds about right...when I was online dating I started chatting to this one guy who seemed nice - but then I got freaked out by the types of messages that I had been receiving from other men (bunch of weirdos on there!) and just deactivated my profile without saying anything to the one guy I had been chatting to. I decided to go back online and tell the guy why I bailed - since he seemed ok, I thought it was worth continuing. He was like "I totally understand why you disappeared, and I'm not like that at all."

We did end up meeting for a coffee. Got a weird vibe from him and I felt there was no chemistry... and he wouldn't accept that - turned out that he was indeed a creepy stalker.

OP - I feel like asking someone how they're doing is the bare minimum expectation for showing someone they care. If he can't even do that I think it's pretty bad. Sure you could have a chat with him - but I'd want a man who was automatically kind according to what I expected in a relationship. If he isn't innately kind then speaking to him might just result in a bit of pretense for a while when he's actually fundamentally unconcerned about you.

Thanks everyone. I think if he does decide to message me that I'm at the very least going to pull back a bit. I'll be friendly but I won't give as much of myself and go from there and see how I feel.