How to cope with years worth of lies and debt

[Lorcee123]

Hi all,
looking for some advice as I’m really struggling.
Been with DP 9 years and 3 young children together (not married).
I found out last year that he was in huge amounts of debt within his business (he works in construction) and that his company had to be liquidated. It was very stressful but I thought the liquidation was the end of it. I was wrong.
It then came out that he also had a lot of personal debt too. Initially we tried to work out how to deal with it and my parents helped us massively as they hated seeing me and the kids struggling. The agreement was to pay them back monthly when we could. Again we all thought this was the end of it. Wrong.

Over the last 6 months I have been drip fed information by him (only when probed and asked 1000 times does he ever start talking) and it’s clear that there is just a never ending list of people he owes money too.
He has been ignoring companies and other tradesmen who he owes and just burying his head in the sand for almost 2 years. As soon as we think we’re almost out of the woods…more people show up.
We have lost almost everything and the only thing left is the house we jointly own. I put all of the deposit in and stupidly did not get a legal contract drawn up when we moved to show that 100% of the deposit/equity is mine. (I’m currently trying to sort this but it’s a lengthy process) I’m so scared more debts will show up and we’ll have to sell the houses.

He’s lied continuously throughout this and has never come forward with telling me anything- I’ve had to find out. It’s made me massively question our whole relationship and when doing some digging I’ve found him on a hookup site (signed up 3/4 years ago- no idea if still using) and have basically found out a lot of things he’s ever told me have actually been made up or the truth massively twisted.
I now have huge suspicions that he’s been unfaithful during the relationship but now actaul proof.
I feel like my whole relationship is a lie.
He’s constantly crying and begging for forgiveness one minute and then defensive and angry the next but how do I begin to forgive?

Hes lied to family members and friends about money and other serious issues to get out of situations and I’m deeply embarrassed by his behaviour. I’m unsure if he realises the severity of the situation.
I’m very concerned my children will be affected if we split- Im also unable to think about separating until I sort the mortgage problems out or the house may be taken from us due to his debts and him being on the deeds of the house.
Whilst in limbo I’m still having to give every penny to pay his debts to keep debt collectors from the doors. So i can’t begin to build up any money aside from it all.
I strongly suspect an issue with compulsive lying and possible personality disorder (he agrees with this)
I’m so lost on what to do. :(

Sorry this has happened. You deserve so much better.

Your partner is heading for bankruptcy but you don’t have to go down with him. Could you sell the house quickly before more debts emerge, pay off mortgage and take out some equity to restart your life without partner?

Look at his credit reports, Experian etc to see what's going on.
Get your ducks in a row.
Get him if possible to sign the house over into your name.
Get his wages if he has any, paid directly into your account.
Don't pay of his debts.
His debts are his problems, you have young children to prioritise.
Use any money you have to support yourself and feed your children etc.
There could be some "addiction" going in here (gambling, drugs).
People with addictions are compulsive liars.
Really sorry your going through this.
Feel for you, really do. My own daughter went through something similar.

Thank you.

Yes I feel he is too. its something I’ve thought about but my earning potential Is now a lot lower since having time off as a SAHM of 3. Even with returning to work soon, I would no longer or able to cover the whole mortgage myself. I’m looking at taking him off the deeds or going down the route of legally showing he has no equity so the house if safe from being taken as an asset if his. But it looks like I will have to keep him on the mortgage due to his higher earnings until I find myself in a position to take it on myself
It’s not easy - I really don’t want to give up the only security I have for my kids. He will agree to this but god knows for how long if we split- his decision making and behaviour is so erratic it’s hard to know.

Thank you.
Yes I’ve looked at his credit report and it was very concerning. Years worth of application for loans/credit cards even before the initial larger debts started. luckily he wasn’t able to go much further with most of these applications and his credit rating is rock bottom now but it shows a complete disregard for any stability for his family- even when I thought things were ok.
yes I agree there could potentially be another issue (gambling?) going on- no proof as such but just nothing to show for any money he’s had- and he earned very well for a while.

I wish he was being completely nasty in this situation to make it easier to go but he’s saying all the right things and begging for me to give him another chance- it makes it so unbelievably hard.

I think I know what I need to do :(

Be very wary of transferring the property into your sole name. If he decides to go bankrupt in the short term the trustee might come after you. You need specialist advice.

GO TO A SOLICITOR

Ask your parents to pay the fees if you can't afford to pay.

You need to dump this man and secure as much as you can of the house. You need to walk away from him and do not have anything to do with him ever again.

Be prepared to move in with your parents.

Get a std test.

You need to get verybsteely and tough and single minded here.

You cannot stay shackled in any way to this man. He will destroy you. The relationship is dead.

He’s constantly crying and begging for forgiveness one minute and then defensive and angry the next but how do I begin to forgive?

Forgiveness isn’t an automatic right and it should be done for your peace of mind, not his.

At this stage, where he still seems to be lying and relying on you to fix his fuck-ups, talk of forgiveness is extremely premature. Of course you will not be ready to forgive someone who is still offending against you.

You forgive him not when he begs you to do so, but when he has done enough to repair and make amends for his actions that you feel comfortable forgiving him. For him to be begging, even demanding it at this stage is simply him being emotionally manipulative and continuing not to take full responsibility for his actions.

And do not believe his tears or his expressions of sorrow, or whatever!!!!!!

He will move on and try threatening suicide when the alternating tears and anger dont work on you, I guarantee it. Call 999 if he does. That is not your problem.

Words are CHEAP.

Firstly, you need legal and financial advice about where you stand now. Get your parents to pay for advice if you can’t afford it. This is essential, and without it you are putting your at risk. Not to blame you - but if this had been done years before, and all the debts uncovered, you would be 2 years further on towards the solution, rather than still stuck in debt and discovery-of-more stage.

Secondly, you need to decide what you want to do/where you want to end up. Eg either still with him, full transparency on accounts, working to pay off debts, or separated, or something else etc. This is a big decision for you. If you decided to stay together, then he needs to also commit to the ‘end goal’ and what it will take to get there as well. If you don’t, that part doesn’t matter.

Thirdly, once decided, you need to have (formulated with legal and financial advice) a clear path with steps set out of what to do to get you where you want to go (eg consolidate loans, sell house, get deeds changed, get mortgage changed etc with dates attached).

Fourth, then you (or you and your partner) put your heads down and work on that plan until then end.

No one on Mumset can help with this - you need sound financial and legal advice. Mumsnet can help with emotional support, sure, but if you fail to get the proper advice and plan you will find yourself further in the mess in another 2 years, and just flailing around trying to make headway without a good plan.

@Lorcee123 can you speak to a debt charity eg Step Change or Christians against Poverty ( don't have to be a Christian).
Have you looked at an IVA ?
So stressful , once this is sorted I don't think I could stay with him. I think I'd always be on edge in case he started doing it again.

I think the best thing for your partner is an IVA, his debts aren’t going anywhere so needs sorting asap, it will depend on how much equity is in the house, whether it needs to be sold or for you to take it over, by setting an amount that you can afford, but at least this way, you may get to keep the house and it will then become yours. Either way it sounds like you both have to get it sorted. I’m sure the Liquidator would have given advice regarding his personal debts when his company went into Liquidation.

As a person who grew up in a household with debt, bailifs and repossessions please just sell the house, get rid of the husband and rent somewhere affordable. Its far more traumatic to witness the tears, arguments, hide from the debt chasers and have to leave most of your stuff than having your parents separate.

My exH was like this, as well as other unsavoury and abusive behaviour. It is draining. No matter how much money you out at their disposal, they want more and then it's somehow your fault that they lie and don't take responsibility.

My advice would be to seek immediate legal advice to secure stability for you and your children. You need to know how much you can salvage and be prepared to cut your losses on the rest. A key piece of advice you need is that if you are legally separated or have started divorce proceedings, who has first claim on assets in case of his bankruptcy.

Do not stay with him, he will bring you all down with him. I can tell you that not having to worry about hidden debt, bailiffs at the door, the lying etc etc is a much better way to live. Take control and cut him off. You deserve so much better.

I’m really not sure your plan to take him off the deeds but stay on the mortgage will work. And anything he signs now to say the equity is yours won’t be worth much in the event of bankruptcy, which sounds like it could be likely.

Clean break, OP. Set it all behind you and move on. Yes, lots of money will be lost but ultimately you’ll be better off in the long run if you pull off the plaster now.

Sell the house. Get yourself and the children into a stable situation. Without him.

TOP PRIORITY
Secure the house.
Get it in your name.

Thank the lord you are not married to him.

Good luck 💐

I went through this exact situation op. It won't get better or change. I kept finding letters, or evidence of more debt or catching him out in another lie. He never once came to me on his own accord to talk to me about things I always had to find out and confront. I tried everything, took control of finances, helped with debt companies, made calls etc. I tried getting angry, giving ultimatums, being supportive I tried everything. But it never stopped so I had to end the relationship. It was hard but at least now I'm not constantly worried about being lied to.

He is not supporting you is he? He is giving you no clarity, no information, no ability to feel secure. Just whining and pleading so you stay and facilitate him.
Tell him your first responsibility is to your children and he is not showing he is putting them first so you will have to. It’s good you have support from your parents but make sure it’s for you and the DC or he will just take it all.

Have you checked your own credit report, OP?

You definitely need legal advice.

And if you decide to stay with him, this is what your life will look like. You will never feel safe or secure. You won’t be able to trust him. He will not become responsible, resourceful or honest. He won’t change.

You can still have a good life, but likely not with him.

Wow thank you for all your responses I really appreciate the advice.
I’ve been on the phone to the solicitors this morning to see what I can do with the house. The children and mortgage are my priority right now.
I’m not going to put anymore money towards his debts and I’m going to try and set myself up over the next few weeks/months in order to get myself and the kids in a better situation to leave.
thank you all so much.

This is very good advice. He will never change. He is not a good person. You must prioritise yourself and your DC. He has brought this on himself. Be thankful you are not married. It will be easier to separate. Be honest with your parents. It sounds like they will support you to start your life over.

PP mentioned your own credit rating, have you checked this yet?

He has behaved appallingly, I hope you can retain as much money as possible. He's let the family down too many times.

I've had a business that went wrong and it was awful ( but we recovered well) I though would be more upset I think about the hook up site- as I wouldn't feel like working with his debts because of it!! you clearly deserve better