Dealing with “family members” you deeply dislike at get togethers.........

[MonkeyTennis34]

A couple of months ago, SIL confided in DH and I that her boyfriend of 6 years has been verbally abusive towards her for the last three years. There has been one incidence of physical violence and one incident where she told us she had to leave the house as she felt unsafe. She was extremely distraught when she told us and we obviously advised her to move on.

After this disclosure they spent time apart but are now unfortunately back together.

This is, of course, her decision but puts us (and other family members who know) in an awkward situation.

We have a family get together looming and I’m feeling anxious.

I know to isolate him, and consequently them, would be wrong as she may stop confiding in us but I don’t want to carry on as if nothing has happened....which I guess is what she is doing.
I don’t want to enable his behaviour but I want to support her too.

Advice please.

Bump

I think all you can do is smile nicely and be polite. I get that you don't want to enable him but she's back with him now and that's her choice. Being polite is about the only way to not isolate her which would be worse.
It's hard though

That’s a difficult one. The right thing to do would in my opinion be to sort of banish him from everything because he’s hurt a family member. But the reality is she’s under his spell so you need to keep them close.

Incredibly awkward for everyone.

This is so hard for you. It's good that she confided in you. It isn't unusual for people to take several attempts to leave their abuser. So although she's taken a backward step, she took a big step in talking to you.

The most important thing is to continue to show your support, to treat her without judgement, so she doesn't feel stupid, and is more likely to confide in you again when she's ready.

If that means sucking it up and being polite to him rather than avoid them altogether, then I think that's what you have to do, hard as it is. Can you talk to the other people who know the situation beforehand? If you can agree an approach it would help, and you won't feel quite so uncomfortable on the day if it's a group agreement based on a strategy of keeping her close to you all.

Then imagine you're playing a part in a play. Remind yourself of the ultimate aim - to help her to get away from him, and that by feigning politeness you are helping move her closer in that direction.

Posted too soon!

I had a friend who was being controlled by her husband. Three of us were aware. We let out our true feelings about him when it was just the 3 of us in private, but agreed that when he was around we'd feign friendliness. It meant he didn't see us as a threat and didn't completely stop her seeing us. She found strength to leave him in the end, thankfully.

Yes, I think this is the best option -- play the long game, keep communication open with her, and don't alienate him too obviously in case he cuts her off from her family and friends.

Gosh, what a difficult situation. I've been in something similar but with a friend.

My friend told me that her partner was physically abusive. Then they split. Then they got back together. I was really honest with my friend about my stance - I said something like: "I know you've got back together with Dave and you say things are very different but I can't forget what you told me and I can't forgive him for the way he treated you. I'll be civil and polite but I can't be friends with him"

Then I followed through - I was civil to him whenever there were group gatherings. I'd answer his questions, ask polite questions to him but nothing more. I never drank in his company because I didn't trust myself not to wallop him in the gob say something to him.

When he started to isolate my friend, I was honest with her that I could see that's what was going on. She denied it. The violence hadn't re-started at that point. I said something like "Okay, if that's what you need to believe but I can see him isolating you. Our contact will get less and less and eventually it'll be the case that we don't speak any more. Then he might start getting violent again. If he does, even if we haven't talked in years, I'll be there for you. Whenever and where-ever you need me - day or night, and there's always a bed for you at my home".

He did isolate her. He did start hitting her again. But she knew I was there for her and eventually, after a few years of silence between us, she reached out to me.

Let her know you're there for her OP. Even if that sometimes mean just grinning and bearing this hideous man's company.

Unfortunately, we have personal experience of this. There is no ideal solution. If you are distant etc, then that feeds into his abuse of her because he can tell her how awful her family are, how she must spend less time with them, that she's a terrible person for putting their personal business on display.

If you act as normal, it's like everything is fine and no one should have consequences.

My best advice is to remain always polite and friendly to him while he is with her. Always. That does not mean you and DH have to meet him at the pub on a friday when she's away or that you have to be gushing and effusive. Then always, always, be clear when talking to her that you are on HER side (because trust me, he'll use the fact that you're NOT rude to him as a sign of how "even your family think you're crazy. Look how welcoming they are to me".). Where you can, gently question behaviours that she has started to normalize.

Also, I think it's worth being clear that you won't tolerate poor behaviour in front of you. This one can be harder. For example, in our case, he had this habit of creating an argument or scene before they came over, then being quite rude and morose on arrival. This had the double effect (for him) of a) making her feel bad and embarrassed and b) attempting to make out that SHE was always being mean to him. DH and I refused to accept this and would make pointed comments. eg, he'd come into the house and basically not say hello becuase he's so "upset". We would say loudly and firmly, like you would to a child, "Hello Dave. Welcome". So basically HE was the embarassed one.

It was tricky though as of course, he then thought we were bastards and would tell her how toxic we were. But I think it was important that she saw we were not buying his bullshit.

Try to keep as much distance as you can, so you can manage to keep your opinion of him to yourself while in public.
If you don't, there's a risk of him sensing the dislike he gets from the family and he might try to limit or forbid her from seeing her family.
Her safety is the number one priority. She needs to know that you will support her, even if she goes back to him a dozen times before leaving for good.

Thank you all for all the really helpful advice 💐

It all makes sense....we certainly don’t want her to pull away from us, even if the idea of being polite towards him makes my skin crawl.

I need to stop worrying and feeling so anxious about it....I almost feel like me and DH are the ones who’ve done something wrong!

On the advice of someone on MN, I seriously considered therapy for how the issues with SIL and exBIL were affecting me. And frankly, if money wasn't a huge issue for us right now, I'd have gone ahead with it.

I think it's the cognitive dissonance of it. It's so impossible to understand why she stays with him while simultaneously understanding the mechanics of abuse and how that makes the victim stay.

GingerIsBest
SIL is a lovely, strong woman....it's baffling why she stays!!

But I won't allow it to ruin my own well/being.

It's a shit show but it's their shit show.

Over many years of watching this car crash of a relationship, I can tell you that one thing I've learnt is that lots of abusive men target strong women. In part, that is what allows them to get away with it - SIL does not want to be seen as a victim. Even now, post break up, she cannot acknowledge that he was abusive. Which means that in fact, he continues to abuse her because she continues to think that she can find some way to get through to him and/or she continues to believe him when he says he will do something. It's incredibly frustrating.

I love that you saw what was happening and offered her a safe space. I would do this too.

I have done similar for a friend and completely agree with this approach.

It is different with family though. walking that line bewteen being polite and appropriate vs cold and angry can be very very difficult. And as others have pointed out, you run the risk of making it worse for the victim who is also your family member.

The other thing to take in to consideration is whether he knows that you know? Because if he does, he might behave differently towards you. Either overly friendly in a sort of "unofficial apology that isn't really an aplogy way" or slightly aggressive and rude.

MsMarch
I think he knows but I'm not sure if he knows that she's told us all the horrible details.
I haven't seen him since her disclosure.

Limth
I've just reread your post and what you initially said to your friend...I know you've got back together etc ...is really astute and I think we'll use this tact.
Thank you.

DH is going to talk to her this evening regarding the get together and our feelings.

I'm trying to mentally put it to one side as it was starting to take up far too much headspace!

Ultimately, it's her problem. I've just felt so angry at him and tbh at her too for not leaving him.

I know it's far more complex from the inside of a relationship and she left her husband of 17 years for him so she's possibly feeling a sense of failure.

@Limth I wish I’d had a friend like you. Everyone should have a friend like you.

Get him by the bloody scruff of the neck and get him told!

I know it's far more complex from the inside of a relationship and she left her husband of 17 years for him so she's possibly feeling a sense of failure.

Interesting. SIL left her previous partner and the rest of the family were very upset - he was a nice, kind, stable man. But she was bored out of her mind. They couldn't see that. So when she got with exBIL it was like she felt she couldn't end it with him too as they already thought she was "fussy".

It sounds mad that people are so hung up on the opinions of others, that it would affect staying or leaving a relationship.

Good advice and will keep things ticking along.

I agree about this ^ approach. The only way is to be polite and friendly without being over friendly, a bit like you do with people you don’t know closely.
You can also mention to her that as they are back together you are friendly with him but only because he is HER partner. (and as long as he stays her partner)
I remember my exBiL said to my sister : Not all of your relatives think that I’m such a bad guy. Pizzaheart is always friendly with me and always send me a birthday text!
My sister laughed at his face. She knew that the only reason I was sending these txts was because I wanted my sister to be happy and didn’t want to give him a reason to argue.
F* twat. I wouldn’t look at him if he was drowning once she announced that they were divorcing.

Oooh, are you me!? . So true. Even after they broke up, I wanted to unfriend him on every social media channel I could but I couldn't because he would kick off at her and I didn't want to make it worse for her. I did make it so that he couldn't see my posts unless he actively looked for them. He once had a go at DH after they broke up when DH asked him to stop posting old pictures of our DC on his social media. haha.

He wouldn't even get off the family whatsapp group AND was a bloody obsessive commenter on there. Over time, everyone just stopped posting on the group more and more and it was silent (no one wanted to force him to go away because, again, we knew he'd take it out on her and their DC). Then one day someone forgot, posted a picture or two, he commented too much and too cringily, SIL told him to stop, and he flounced off in a huff. I felt bad for her dealing with it but it was a glorious day for the rest of us. The whatsapp group has been revived as a result too!