Marriage counselling without DH possible?

[mamatothreebunnies]

I don’t know if this is something that can even work, but is it possible to do marriage counselling but without taking DH? Our marriage is rock bottom, and we need help but he would never agree to coming to a marriage counselling session (nothing anyone says is good or right enough for him). Anyway, I don’t want to break up our family (3 kids) so I just need help and guidance on how to live with it. Is that a thing? I realise I may not be the happiest person alive living like that but it’s a sacrifice I choose to take for my kids.

if anyone has done this or can share some insight I’d be grateful.

Im pretty sure counsellors would still take your money and be happy to see you alone. Whilst not ideal given that its a marriage issue rather than a personal one, it would be a start. Then perhaps if you found it useful he could be persuaded to join in later down the line? I assume he would be OK with you going rather than you keep him in the dark?

Good post
IMO, from what people at work told me, a good coucellor would say it was pointless you coming alone!!

Try to persuade him to try it just once and hopefully that will do the tircik!!

Good luck

I just know he wouldn’t come and even if he came would find something to criticise the therapist about.

maybe it’s not a marriage counselling issue then. Maybe I need to see someone that guides me on how to live a miserable married life.

I think individual counselling would be good for you. Work out what YOU need and want from life.
But if he gives so little shit about the marriage that he won’t come to counselling together I think that says all you need to know and perhaps being apart would make your life better…

Don't throw the towel in just yet. Call a few places offering therapy and explain your plight. It will be totally normal to have reluctant DHs so they may suggest a plan of action.

Failing that then as above you could try and find some one to one counselling but TBH some do little more than listen to you and let you vent when you may need more of a life coach or someone with more practical advice. Kudos for not giving up.

There are many reasons why I am not ready (yet) to divorce.

financial dependency being the main one but also not sure if I’m ready for possible scenarios of him moving on, starting another life / family. I would love to reach a stage where I couldn’t care less what he does with his life. But I’m not there yet and if we divorced now i wouldn’t be able to handle those scenarios. I also don’t think it’s fair on the kids to deal with those scenarios.

just trying to work really hard on myself, being the best mother and having a strong relationship with my kids. it’s hard when he sucks the life and joy out of you.

I had counselling alone and yes it has helped me enormously. DH doesn’t know I went, I feel once I open the can of worms that is our marriage then it will be over for me as I’m so done with it. I stay for similar reasons to you: the kids and of course financially as it too would impact the kids.

I went because I had ‘kicked the can’ down the road - I always thought I’d leave when the kids leave for uni, which I am now facing.

It helped me understand what makes DH tick and how I communicate with him, gave me clarity on old behaviours that he would deny but counselling validated and at the time were so damaging to our relationship.

As a child of a marriage where I suspect parents were unhappy but stayed together for the kids I will say think think about the example you set your children. I have the most misogynistic arrogant brother he's a disgusting human but was raised to see dad avoids and delegated all family care while mum looks overwhelmed and unhappy doing everything. I grew up to have abusive relationship after abusive relationship because I thought the love bombing was really love- I'd never seen any affection between my parents, no quality time etc so when a man gave me time and affectionate I thought it must be love. I eventually learnt but not before I've tied myself to a nasty abusive man for life now as we share a child- I'm doomed to no support with parenting and constant mind games and control arranging his contact. I'm also skint my life is impacted by all this. BUT I REFUSE to raise my son to treat women the way I've been treated and my daughter will not suffer as I have so I must show them what healthy relationships look like even if that means the absence of a partner for me my relationship with my children will be healthy and they will not have a disadvantage when they become adult

I think if there are behaviours or patterns you know you have that are unhelpful individual therapy may help.

Sonits less marriage counselling and more how can i ask / talk about X so my husband does Y.
How can i keep things level / not loose my temper (even if justified)

In an ideal world you would obviously leave but if you need to tread water for 5 years there is no shame in that

No counselling can change the behaviour of someone who's in not in the room (I'm a therapist and I can't tell you how many women have pleaded with me "Give me some strategies to stop him getting angry/ drinking/ gambling/ hitting me"... ) but you'll be surprised how much changing your own behaviour and thinking can change your situation.

You can (should!) absolutely go to counselling and talk about your relationship though it wouldn't really be marriage counselling. A good counsellor will help you work out if you can feel more tolerant of your husband's negative behaviour; and if you can't, how to change the things you have control over, and how to get confident in making decisions that will support yours and your children's wellbeing.

I found individual counselling significantly more helpful than joint counselling. Seeing more clearly helped me leave xdh (who is now happily remarried, as am I) and to sort a wobble with dh that has put us both on a much happier and stronger path.

thank you for all your replies. It’s really good to hear so many different perspectives. I know I’m in this for the long run until the kids are an older. I have thought about how this will affect my kids (staying) and the possibility of setting negative role models for them. I come from a home of parents who stayed for us, and it is a shit relationship to witness all my life and my DH comes from a home where his parents separated. I think both are equally shit and having spent 20 years with dh (we met v young) I can see how much a broken hole affected him and why he is the way he is today.

equally I am saying in this marriage because I’m probably subconsciously seeing what my mum did and in my head it’s the right thing to do.

both are not great ideally kids should have happy loving parents.

My only goal now is to raise my kids in the best way I can, have and maintain the best relationship and bond with them. I cannot change my dh. The rose tinted glasses are off and I see my reality.