SIL due next week, feeling anxious for DD.

[Hardknocks]

SIL has a 3 year old DS. We have a 2 year old DD. I’ve posted before about how DH’s parents clearly prefer their grandson, but things started to get a little bit fairer over the last year as they’ve grown.

SIL is due next week with her second, sex unknown as yet. MIL is set on it being a girl, and it makes me feel so shitty for our DD. It feels as though if this baby is a girl, she will be redundant. DD loves her nana to pieces, and is already pushed aside by her cousin (we stopped spending so much time as a group to avoid these situations because on their own they are much better).

Am I wrong in feeling anxious? DH thinks I need to just give it time to play out and see. I wish I didn’t feel this way, I don’t even know why I care so much.

I understand completely op. We had the first dgc. When sil gave birth to Jesus Christ reincarnated a year later our ds was very much dumped.. Tbh relationships never recovered..

@Beautifulbythebay oh god I’m so glad someone understands! Sometimes I feel like I’m going mad, I wish I could just step back and stop caring but it’s so irritating beyond belief to watch it play out.

How do you manage it? I find myself getting so wound up when we are all together that I just want to pull away completely.

Op my inalws were like this. We don't see them anymore but when middle brother in laws wife gave birth they were no longer interested in our dd. When our dd was born it was a competition with my parents, the fights they caused over who held the baby the longest, who looked after her but they forget my dd very quickly. Christmas's, birthdays, mil always happy to host their bdays but won't so much as cut a cake for our dd... the list could go on for pages. The only difference is for me is that dd has never taken much of a liking to them. She use to cry as a baby when she saw them and the older she got she still didn't like them but as a mum who was also ignored by my dad's family it hurt me to see this, it hurt my hubby too. If I can give you any advice,its to see this in a different way.. its their loss not your dd. when your child is older, if they keep this up, she will go cold and I doubt with the busy lives these kids have your dd will care for them. It really does change when the kids get older , please don't waste your years waiting to see how things go, you set the narrative yourself, give the same energy to them that they give you!

Although I'm clearly not impressed by your inlaws your post did make me laugh ...🤣

I don’t think I could be bothered about it. Sorry.

My MIL never gelled with my DD. My DS was the clear favourite - there was blatant favouritism but we just used to laugh about it- even when DD was little - it has back fired as neither child has a relationship with her (and we barely have one) as she only really liked DS until he was about 8 .. he then started to have an opinion and she didn’t like it!
I am sad as I feel she lost out - I don’t think the kids have as they have a much better relationship with my mum (who lives 300 miles away!)

Completely sympathise OP. We no longer have a relationship with my in-laws (it was always very tumultuous, but their behaviour towards us on holiday ended it).

Our DC were, until last month their only grandchildren, then my golden BIL and SIL had their son. Thankfully we ended contact with them last autumn, but I just know they would have dropped our DC in favour of the golden grandchild. From their POV, ours were born at the wrong time (when we were young and didn't have much in the way of money or career success), and the fact they will only ever likely go to state schools and live a fairly normal (rather than affluent) childhood meant they were less desirable to brag about. We have no reverts in going NC.

Thank you for all your lovely supportive comments. SIL has had a healthy boy, and whilst I’m breathing a guilty sigh of relief, I have realised that actually our DD is wonderful, and it’s their loss if they don’t see that.

You wouldn't be bothered if your child was rejected by its grandparents?

This comment has made my day 🤣

OP: completely get it, I'm due to have 2nd baby after SIL and know regardless of sex (a surprise) will never be as good as her child. It hurts.

No. Especially when I think that in lots of the situations described on Mn, the supposed 'rejection' or 'favouring' of one grandchild over another is so minor that anyone who wasn't fixated would scarcely register it at all. Most of the time posters frothing about it are projecting their own insecurities, playing out a dynamic from their own childhood, or are simply the kind of person who is always looking sideways to check that someone else didn't get a bigger slice of cake than them.

This baby who is apparently going to 'displace' the OP's toddler hadn't even been born when she posted, and the OP was already 'anxious' and pitying her poor, pushed-aside daughter. What nonsense.

@FlaubertSyndrome It’s certainly not about anything you just said - it’s making sure my DD doesn’t grow up feeling pushed aside or rejected. I had perfectly healthy relationships with my grandparents, which is why I want the same for her. I think until you’ve been in that situation you don’t understand it. But hey ho, thank you to those that do.

State can be as good as private so don’t worry about that