Hi all..........I don't know if I'm looking for advise or just general opinion but my heads a mess.
I am 30 years with my husband married for 22. I was brought up in a family of four kids. My father was a violent functioning alcoholic and my mother had numerous breakdowns although done her very best for us and I knew she loved us. My dad said he only "hit us coz he loved us " so although I loved him I really didn't like him. At Age 7 I was sexually abused by a relative
I met my husband at 19 years old. I was extremely vulnerable having just come through a nervous breakdown myself I then got pregnant and my mother told me I had to have an abortion or my father would leave her - so I did.
Looking back I honestly think I would have left with the first person who showed me any kind of interest.
To get to the point he turned out to be a narcissist who guilt tripped me into everything including sex. When I would turn him down he would sulk and not talk to me and act rejected so I would end up giving in.
He drank 4 to 5 nights a week and didn't care that it bothered me. He would wet the bed/couch or wherever he fell asleep. On occasion he got arrested and went missing one time for 3 days leaving me alone with no phone call nothing.
I went on to have three children who are 21, 17 and 11 now. I made it work and convinced myself I was content with the fact he handed up his wages, I had a nice house and car and there was no physical abuse.
However I checked myself mentally out of the marriage a long time ago and just continued on for the sake of the kids.
8 months ago I started talking to a guy online - just sharing jokes etc - I must mention I have never in 30 years done that nor ever cheated. I eventually opened up to him about my life thinking he would run a mile - when in fact he done the complete opposite....he told me what I had experienced in my marraige was emotional abuse at the very least. It made me see thing clearer than I ever had. I thought because there was no physical abuse it wasn't abuse.
Just after Christmas I told my husband I wanted a separation. He told me he was sorry for everything and "he was a P**ck" and I was a good person and didn't deserve any of it.
However after a week he accused me of all sorts and triangulated me with our eldest daughter who hates me now. She is and always has been a copy and pasted of him anyway and is extremely verbally abusive and manipulative.
My middle daughter said she seen it coming and I should have done it years ago.
Anyway I met up with this other guy a number of times on the pretense I was going out with my friend - he is the polar opposite of my husband. He is loving, caring, understanding, doesn't drink and is a very open book with his life.
As my husband is still living in our home I haven't told any of them about this other guy. I am currently doing counselling to understand myself and everything I am feeling at the moment.
I am waiting on mediation at the moment to sort out the house etc .
So why do I feel so damn guilty? I feel like I have broken up my family, upset my kids and I feel selfish. I go back and forth with "maybe it wasn't that bad" to feelings of "I really didn't deserve to be treated like that.
Has anyone been in a similar situation and how they did they put their emotions into perspective?