Meeting biological father in 30s.

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Anyone been through this?! Parents split up when my mum was expecting me as he cheated and got someone else pregnant. My mum made it really hard for him to see me but then he should have tried harder… my mum and her family got some of solicitors letter drawn up - I mean was this even ever a thing? I know it isn’t now.. he wasn’t on birth certificate. I didn’t know all this until recently.. I was always told he didn’t want to know me. It seems like there was fault on both sides.

always wanted to meet him but for a few reasons I didn’t ever contact. I didn’t want to be reject me and also that I didn’t want to cause any stress with his family he has (not the woman he cheated with when expecting me, someone else entirely).

we have exchanged messages and it’s made my quite happy however I always thought it would be easier than this. I wanted to meet him but now I’m not sure.

I an not wanting a father/daughter relationship.. I’m in my thirties and it is too late for that. He is late fifties I think. I feel like I want closure and to be on good terms.

all the times I really wanted to meet him I never really thought about the extended family like half siblings!

in a twist I grew up knowing one of his other children (child with the lady he cheated on my mum with in pregnancy). Our mums become good friends as both hated him. The only big difference is half sibling did see him sometimes (once or twice a year!) and me never.

so there’s a lot to uNpick. A lot of people to think of and not upset. The main one being my mother and stepfather who raised me.

I feel like I should meet him but I feel like I’m going to cause too much stress for both sides of the family - mine and his.

anyone been through this?

I can’t help feeling at 33 it’s too late! He missed my whole childhood?

What would you gain out of meeting him, or more specifically, what do you want in terms of a relationship if it’s not father/daughter that you are seeking?

Personally I think that it will just make life overly awkward and stressful on both sides

As someone who has been through similar as if you don't it might be too late and you will always be wondering

I didn't find out who my biological Dad was until 2017 when I was in my 30's and he had been dead since 2016

My nana made my mum promise not to meet her bio father while her SD was alive. Nan and bio same age, SD 10 years older, she passed at 65. SGD lived to 85. mums bio died at 74. She never met him and regrets it now.

I'd echo, what are you hoping to get out of it? Just one meeting to satisfy your curiosity, or more? Does he want to meet you?

I'd also warn you to be cautious. A lot of men fuck off when their children are young and inconvenient and need care, and then get in touch again when they - the 'fathers' - are getting old and when their children are adults and no longer need anything. They want their children to start looking after them.
Might not be the case with this man, but he seems to have done exactly what he wanted when you and your half-sibling were babies who needed looking after, so I wouldn't put yourself out too much for him now.

Please believe me from experience, do not base your decision to meet him or not on anyone else’s opinion, including family members you may or may not upset. He’s your father and only you can decide what’s best for you. Write a list of pros and cons if you need to, but don’t let anyone else sway you one way or the other.

I met my bio father in my 30s and it turned out well. Have a good relationship with him and my half siblings.

It's a hard choice but I would go in with very low expectations.

Just get what you want out of this situation which sounds like closer.

My dd was in her 20's... She met him as he had a dd 10....she said there was no bond or chance of relationship there for her. The other dd wasn't bothered about dd either.. Her df was still a useless git. Dd dumped him by text!!

It's never to late and you can never have enough people to love you, although absent he is your father. You'll always regret it if you don't. My mother put me in to care at 6 months and told my older siblings I died in a fire. She was an alcoholic and suffered with schizophrenia. I did meet her again at 33 and initially it was positive but soon turned sour. However I don't regret it at all and would've always been wondering. Go in to it with an open and neutral mind. You've got nothing to lose and you may well gain!

Jesus, this is one of the worst things I've read on here. I'm glad you managed to meet her at least and I hope your life is good in spite of all that.

Having thought about your post, the way I see it is that you would be more likely to regret not meeting him than to regret meeting him

I met my bio father when I was 26/27, it wasn’t in the best of circumstances (Grandmother’s funeral). Tried to keep in touch after but it was always me putting all the effort in. He was far more interested finding out information about my Mum than getting to know me. It felt like being rejected all over again and I’ve struggled with it over the years.

On the other side I’ve heard some amazingly positive stories of people meeting up with bio parents later in life. If you want to do it, I think you should as I suspect even if it goes badly it’s probably better than the ‘what if’ and regretting it once it’s too late. Just go into very cautiously and be prepared incase you are rejected again.

Good luck either way 😊

Getting in touch with bio parents is a minefield.

I'd echo @kitteninabasket about doing what -you- want rather than anyone else.

It can be extremely difficult not to have hopes that he will be some sort of active father .. a few people manage to go in without expectations but many have a secret hope that a good relationship will kindle. That may or may not happen.

Prepare yourself mentally. It's a good idea to think about the following questions and be really honest with yourself.

-what do you expect from the meeting?
-what do you hope from the meeting?
-what if you don't get on/he rejects you? It can be very upsetting
-what if you do get on? it can cause familial issues and it can stir things up from childhood - why wasn't he there for you.
-what if you want more from him than he wants to give?
-what if he wants more contact than you?

Making plans how to handle each possibility can give you a sense of control over how the situation develops, which when you're talking about an unknown, very close relative is helpful.

From what I've seen, often things can be a bit wobbly, but often people are glad to have met their bio. parent even if they don't stay in contact. "What-if we'd met" can be a powerful regret. But this is one of those odd situations in life where you often just can't tell how things are going to go.

it's not a bad idea to get a bit of specialist help/counselling from someone with experience of this if you think it might knock you. At least, talk to a good and perceptive friend.

Good luck OP. I'd suggest going for it, but protecting your heart by not expecting much. Anything better than that is a bonus, but it can be devastating if you hope for a lot and are rejected. It can work out though and at least meeting can scratch an itch and put it to rest.