I’m a FTM (26) to my DS who is currently 8 weeks old. Me and BD (26) got pregnant and moved in together within a year and since then we have had nothing but trouble with MIL. Here’s a few examples:
Firstly, she did not want him to move down to my area (about 45 mins away) and couldn’t understand how this was fair on him. Baring in mind I will be on maternity leave for 9 months and wouldn’t know anybody where he lives. I felt like as a FTM I wanted to be close to home and especially my own mum. This would of just been to convenience her even though she drives and has a car. She messaged BD saying “There’s no point me building a relationship with the baby if you are moving down there”. She always tries to guilt trip BD and most of the time it does work. She’ll say things like “you’ve lost one parent, you don’t want to lose another” (BD’s father is deceased) and “you know my condition means I only have 2 years to live” (not sure how true this is but still). I just feel like these are manipulation tactics to control BD and get what she wants. Also, what kind of mother speaks to their child like this. You can tell that it has been going on for a long time as BD is like a nervous wreck around her - stutters and paces around (he’s even admitted he does this). He allows too much as he is afraid of losing her and with all of the arguments we have been having, he’s afraid of losing me too and having nothing left.
On one visit to MIL, I noticed a car seat up in one of the bedrooms. When I asked her what it was for, she said it was tor BD’s car. I couldn’t understand this as we lived together so we would only need one. Also, the car seat was unboxed. When I asked if the car seat was secondhand. She said no it was brand new…after being kept in someone’s attic for years. Guidlines recommend using a brand new car seat for safety reasons. We already had a brand new car seat which came with our pram and so I politely declined and explained why we would not be using a secondhand car seat for DS. I thought that was the end of that but found out she had been calling me “ungrateful” and saying that “nothing was ever good enough for me” behind my back. Forgot to mention the car seat was free and when my BD picked it up it practically fell apart.
During the birth of my DS, I had my BD and DM with me in the delivery room. MIL wanted to wait in the waiting room which I thought was a bit pointless. Anyway, I ended up being in labour way longer than expected (18 hours in total) so midwives suggested for BD to tell MIL to go home and rest as we still had a long time to go. Well she point blank refused and stayed for the full 18 hours. Found out later that she kicked off about being told to leave and threw her car keys at BD in the waiting room. Midwives even tried telling her and she threw a hissy fit. This happened on one of the most important days of mine and BD’s life, which shows how selfish and entitled she is.
During my DS’s birth, I tore a blood vessel which ended up in me losing 2.5L of blood. I was told that this could have been fatal. I spent 3 nights in hospital in recovery trying to navigate being a FTM. It was really hard and I only started feeling a bit better when I had two blood transfusions. However, MIL didn’t seem to care about me at all, all she cared about was seeing DS. She was practically begging BD to pop in to the hospital room for 5 minutes. She wasn’t my favourite person at the time and I was hooked up to everything (IV drips, catheter, heart monitors etc) so I said no that she’d have to wait. She sent BD a torrent of abuse over text and just showed a total disregard for my wellbeing. This was pretty much a running theme throughout the whole of my pregnancy so it didn’t really surprise me. I was pretty much finished with her after all of this and was just willing to be civil with her for BD’s sake.
When she did come and visit (the day after we got out of hospital) she picked DS up from a nap and wouldn’t give him to anyone. I had to practically wrestle with her to put my own DS in his car seat. I was hormonal, in pain and just so annoyed after everything that happened. She didn’t even ask me how I was feeling. I just felt like a human vessel which had carried her first grandchild.
For the first couple of weeks of DS’s life she visited every Friday for approx 3/4 hours. I’ll be honest I did not enjoy this time. I hated seeing her hold my baby. The last time she came to visit, she was having one last departing hold of my DS and I said “I’ll have (name) now so you can starting making a move”. Maybe this came accross as passive aggressive but at this point I actually didn’t care. Well, she got home and messaged BD saying how unwelcome I made her feel and that she was very upset. She also told BD that if she was to drive 45 minutes she would be staying for 3/4 hours every visit. I just feel like you don’t outstay your welcome in anybody’s home, especially not a home with a newborn. I tried to ring MIL to speak to her but she didn’t reply and instead continued sending messages to BD. Long story short BD rang her - she went on a huge rant saying how I’ve never wanted her to have a relationship with DS, that BD is a nervous wreck around me (pot calling the kettle black) and that I was “overfeeding” DS (HV had no concerns of his weight). I went ballistic, I snatched the phone from BD and told her if she ever thinks she’s stepping foot in my home again she has another thing coming and she will never have a relationship with my son. She is now saying that she will take us both to court for grandparent’s rights. I feel like she won’t have a leg to stand on if both me and BD have agreed to no contact so this doesn’t worry me at all.
Currently, DS is 8 weeks old and has had no contact with MIL since the fallout. I have absolutely no regrets but I still feeling like BD is pining for his mother. She has continuously told him how disgusted all of his family are of him and that he’s made his 80 year old grandmother cry with his actions. I’ve told him to ring his grandmother and explain what has been happening but he doesn’t want to upset her any further. I feel like he is used to the way she treats him and doesn’t know how to stand up for himself. I know BD is still in contact with MIL and recently I’ve found messages on his phone of her calling me a “narcissistic cow”, “vile and evil”, “a narcissist who plays god with a child’s life” and a “waste of oxygen”. I’ve already warned her to keep my name out of her mouth but I feel like we would all be happier going complete no contact. I can see that BD is defending me but I can’t understand why he wouldn’t block her out of his life for the sake of me and his DS. AIBU?