Help me to stop feeling jealous 🧌

[Donutsfirst]

I hate feeling jealous, it’s a horrid feeling and doesn’t lead to anything good.
can someone talk me down?!

I’ve had a run of bad luck- at least that’s how I think of it. I’m getting divorced, I have caring responsibilities for my child who has additional needs and one who is waiting for diagnosis. This means I need a job that is flexible and allows me to work from home as both kids have lots of hospital appointments and are often off school. I don’t earn much but try and cut my cloth. Life feels hard and busy but I know things will get easier (I hope)

I just spent the weekend with my sister in Paris, a lovely belated birthday present from her and we fitted it in around a respite carer who comes twice a year to let me get away from caring for the weekend. I’m embarrassed to admit that over the weekend the green eyed monster grew and grew
and now it won’t go away ☹️
my sister is very successful in banking along with her lovely husband, they earn a huge amount between them. They have kids who are a delight, can take them anywhere and they are impeccable (we can hardly go anywhere as my daughter meltdown when in places with more than a handful of people) and they have a lovely nanny and a housekeeper and holiday homes dotted around. they are lovely people but almost don’t seem to know how lucky they are, in their world it’s normal to buy a new Maserati just with one bonus, and it’s not a case of if they go on holiday, its
where. Meanwhile I’m staring at my bank balance wondering what I can cut out until pay day. The contrast couldn’t be greater.

I am now sitting here looking around at my tiny flat jealous to the point of tears and angry with myself for feeling like this! I know comparison is the thief of joy but how do you not compare? someone give me a good talking to (please)

It's hard. Try to let yourself off the hook.
As much as you can.

Dont let jealousy take over you. Be happy! That theyve managed to do this, this is the people you love. Just open your heart and breathe. And allow yourself to be proud of them instead of wondering why on earth cant i do it too!!! I'm in a bit similar situation + rotten health!! So i know what u feelm And i get these moments too i sit and cry and everyone around seems like theyre so perfect you know and like they never have problems. They're not! They have their own problems. And u never know what happens in life. Would u feel better if she did worse than you? No. You wouldnt wish someone else to be in your situation. Not your own sister. So cheer for her, smile and be happy from all your being that life has been gentler to her. And about you and me...well life has made us stronger Xx

For a start, you can use the right word (I'm not just being pedantic here I promise. I'm going somewhere with this)

You're not jealous, you're envious. And while the two words are used interchangeably, they don't mean the same thing.

Jealousy is about sole possession. "I want this thing, and nobody else can have it". Whether its a partner, money, a possession, a lifestyle, it's about having it yourself and no-one else can. It's an entirely negative emotion, it makes you bitter, distrustful, mean.

Envy on the other hand is about equality. "That person has a nice thing, I want one too." You don't want to take your friends boyfriend, you want one who's just as nice. You don't want to steal your brothers Ferrari, you want one too so you can go bombing around a race track together.

If you're constantly feeling jealousy, then you're probably a horrible person. If you're constantly feeling envy, you're probably just in shit circumstances.

So let yourself off the hook a bit. You're not jealous, you're not a horrible person. You don't want to take your sisters lifestyle from her, you just want your own life to be better as well. There's nothing wrong with feeling like that.

Yes, envy is a negative emotion as well, but unlike jealousy it also has a positive equivalent, ambition. You may never have a life like your sisters, lets be fair, very few people do. But you can use that envy, that anger, to drive you, to try and work out if there's anything you can do to improve your own lot. Even if the only thing you can do is slog through today, and then tomorrow, until things start to improve.

I am autistic and I also meltdown if there are too many people I can manage three at most, but that is pushing it and I can’t go into the shops or into a café but what has made my life so much easier is noise cancelling headphones so you should definitely get those for your child with additional needs

There's no quick solution OP.
So it really is a case of learning, and practising, acceptance. When it feels overwhelming, just admit it and own it. Tell yourself "My sisters life is nicer than mine, and I envy her. There's nothing I can do about it. So I need to accept it and carry on."
Then distract yourself with something pleasant, and get on with your own life. Sounds trite I know, but it trains your brain to manage your feelings.

This is so well put.