DS not attcahed to his tecaher at school... causing problems

[regretnot]

My son is what I would call, Highly Sensitive.. he has a fairly cold, dismissive teacher and he's only in reception.. :( I have spoken with her and it is clear to me that they haven't quite hit it off... he may have undiagnosed ADHD which I am pursuing.. In the meantime, i'm aware there isn't many weeks left of the academic year I am just hoping he has a better experience next year.. to help him feel settled and not nervous or anxious about school. I don't believe she has helped him settle in well enough..

Any advice/tips?

thanks

Is highly sensitive a way of saying wants all the attention all the time? Because he can't have that in a school setting. With the best will in the world, he is one of 25-30.

A way to help him transition is by building up his sense of resilience so he can cope being 1 of 25 or 30. Reinforce positive coping behaviours of turn taking, inside thoughts & outside (aloud) thoughts, waiting. Work on his ability to see how big a problem is, teach emotional regulation.

If he's getting a different teacher next year I'd leave it.

I would however do everything I could to get that assessment and diagnosis, even if that means going private if you can. Alot of the struggles will potentially be due to this and they need to be acknowledged and supported. You have a better leg to stand on with the diagnosis and can go in with greater expectations regards a little extra support

In my experience, school will not go out their way to acknowledge any difference or support you in getting an assessment if they don't see what you're seeing at home. The extra work and costs involved in providing extra support also means they will happily let things slide if the child is getting by.

I don’t think DS was ever ‘attached’ to his Reception teacher (teachers in his case — they jobshared). Teachers were just background noise to the other kids. How does the ‘sensitivity’ you mention manifest itself?

Sorry he hasn't had the best time of it. You could work with your son over the holidays on his resilience. You can't really change the personality of a teacher but you can help your son with skills that will help next year go better.

At the end of the day, even if you did get him diagnosed with something, he'd still have to develop the same coping skills.

Reception teachers should generally be kind nurturing people, as they are working with very little children. I am sorry your son had a less than ideal experience.

Teachers trying to teach 4/5 year olds now are having nightmare issues. Many Lockdown babies didn't get socialised like other children typically do. Worse if they were/are the only child.

Undiagnosed ADHD in these children may very well not be ADHD at all but disrupted social and emotional development when it was so important.

He does meet most of the criteria for ADHD.. although he CAN sit down and focus on school work and is doing very well in that area..

I also feel like teachers struggle with kids like this.. they don't have time for it, nor do they wish to invest time if the child is 'difficult'

I think it depends on your expectations
Acknowledging when a child is upset and treating them with kindness is a bit different to having a "sensitive" child glued to them while they are trying to teach another 29 kids how to read.
School is a big transition, especially for only children or ones from a small family as they are suddenly in a large group environment with 1 or 2 adults and lots of other children with competeing needs/wants.
A diagnosis would be a good idea but also try to teach reslilience and independence too - you are right though that in a busy class environment the quieter well behaved kids can get overlooked a bit.

Awful thing to say - you've no idea.

Maybe, get your child tested and seen by a professional.
Then, look at what it is you are doing to help - not just everyone else.

You've ignored most posts here - which to me, shows that you aren't willing to budge on your views.

I find expectations that a 4-year-old child should start school and adjust to it immediately absurd to say the least.
Children should not start school that young, but alas.
My son turned 4 in July, started reception in September. In October his teacher told me (when I inquired how he was doing) that he could not hold a pencil properly and that he needed to work on it. Preposterous really.

Has he not been using pencils, pens, crayons at home, at nursery? Getting correct pencil grip is really important, learning it wrong young means it has to be unlearned and relearned later, which is a pain in the arse for all concerned. I don't think it preposterous at all that you've been told to focus on this. Help your child!

So I'd a child in the class was more 'difficult' than your child you would be happy for them to spend more time with them and less on your child?

Home school would be easier for you it appears

No, never. No pencils or crayons for him. He has his cosy den in the basement without windows so no draught and I occasionally throw him some leftover bread and a bottle of water.

I also feel like teachers struggle with kids like this.. they don't have time for it, nor do they wish to invest time if the child is 'difficult

There is a limit to the amount of time a teacher can invest in individual pupils when they are teaching a whole class, however much they might wish they had the time. * *

My experience is the opposite. Teachers have to invest all the majority of their time with the “tricky” kids so the easy kids are overlooked and get no attention.

😂I agree with you that in England, where children start school at 4, some of the expectations sound too much. We start at 5 in Scotland and actually a lot are nearer to 6. P1 is very much play-based and a continuation of nusery.

Exactly.
At the age of 4 they are pushed way too early and many struggle to adjust obviously. Then they get labelled difficult and likely ADHD. Not fair on them at all.
I find it really sad how we adults often fail children on so many levels.

My son would have really struggled in the English system but instead, he has absolutely loved his first year of school. He gets to do loads of free play but they also have small group time and his writing is developing as is his reading.

I think that most of them do. And even if they are not obviously struggling and seem to be doing ok, it is still not fair on them. Difference between 4 and 6 is enormous. I really do not know why the rush..

Sorry but I snorted at this. 🤣

@regretnot just build him up at home as best as you can for next year. I have two kids with ASD SN and one is finished school now, the other still in primary and they have had all sorts of experiences with teachers, mostly extremely good with teachers who are trying their absolute best and one or two difficult ones. Hopefully your son has the same experiences and has one of the difficult ones out of the way now. Just keep building up his skills and praising his accomplishments and achievements. As parents we don’t control the world around them we do our best to give them skills to handle it. It won’t ever be anywhere near perfect.

Former Reception teacher here. I’m
interested in your term ‘attached’ when referring to your child’s relationship with his teacher. Can you give a bit more detail about what you mean -
what were you expecting their relationship to look like?

Also can you elaborate on what you mean by ‘highly sensitive’? How does this show itself?

I’d say that children should have a secure attachment with their primary care givers (usually parents) and a good working relationship with their teachers. I wouldn’t necessarily describe this as an ‘attachment’. It’s not a life-long relationship! As a reception teacher I aimed for a happy, settled working environment where all the children were cared for and treated fairly. Was I warm, friendly and understanding of their individual needs, well I hope so, that was certainly my aim, however I couldn’t possibly give every child the focussed attention that they would get from their parents. When they were in my class I was totally invested in giving them the best possible start to school and I grew very fond of them all. But at the end of the day my job was to help them to learn the skills and knowledge they needed to give them a great foundation to future learning not be their best friend. Sometimes I needed to be firm and sometimes I had to have difficult conversations with parents about some aspect of their behaviour or learning. It didn’t mean I didn’t like or understand the child in question, it meant that in order to do my job properly I sometimes had to say things that parents would rather not hear. And this is where difficulties sometimes arise…..your child is very special- to you! To his class teacher he is one of thirty, very important people but he’s not special in the same way. His teacher may not speak of him in the glowing terms you’d prefer or make copious allowances for all his little quirks and preferences but it doesn’t mean that she’s not doing a good job as his teacher. It also doesn’t mean that there is necessarily anything wrong with their relationship. You talk about nerves and anxiety about school. That’s fairly normal at the start of the school year….what was done to help with that issue? Is he ok when once he’s begun the school day? It wouldn’t be unusual for a child to appear anxious before school but be having a fine old time enjoying their learning ten minutes after mum has gone….

As you say, he will have a new teacher very soon so hopefully a reset in September will work well for him. The ADHD is worth pursuing and a look at how he is in the classroom will be part of that process and may throw up new ways in which to support him. School will have a transition programme in place for moving to the next class which should help him to know what to expect next year. Try not to worry too much…school is a new environment and takes significant adjustment for some children. There’s usually an opportunity late in the Summer term or early in the Autumn term to meet the new teacher and you can share then your concerns about him settling. All the best.