Living like strangers

[Bluecarnations]

DH & I have been together for 20 years, married for 15. One DC aged 12. He has worked away from home for most of our relationship, including when DC was a newborn. I expected to find it tough when he returned home, however things are so so difficult. I find it really hard to live with him, he is moody, angry & critical of everything. A minor example of this is that me & DC aren't allowed to leave our shoes by the door. It feels stifling & I can't relax in my own home. We seem to have nothing in common, no mutual friends & no general enjoyment in life. I see other couples on date nights & I know comparison is the thief of joy but we just don't enjoy being together. I feel on edge & he would rather be on his phone. I almost brace myself for the inevitable criticism or mood so can't enjoy the present moment which I'm sure makes me no fun to be around. Another example of this was we had a family day out & he kept walking ahead telling us to hurry up, it was like we weren't together. He takes the lead on everything & becomes frustrated with me & DC easily. We are experienced travellers & I have taken her to multiple countries alone so it's not that I am stupid, yet he behaves like I'm incapable. This probably isn't coming across well. We live together now, but are no longer intimate. It's averaging once every 8 weeks. Initially he wasn't interested & now I'm not. Whenever we do have sex it feels awkward for me & I think it's because it's so infrequent. Despite our many issues previously we had always had a good sex life so this feel like the final straw. Has anyone experienced this & come back from it? I feel a major part of the problem is that I'm going into everything with a negative mindset so I am actively trying to be more positive and make an effort to get along. It shouldn't be this hard though should it?

your poor boy.

Could you elaborate on this?

sweet jesus

read your own thread and tell me whether this sounds like a happy environment for a child to grow up in. Alone with this as his entire family at home

No, it shouldn’t be this hard. It sounds miserable. It’s no use trying to tack a romantic/sex life onto a relationship that’s not working on any other level. Are you able to talk to him about the issues in your relationship, or will he just walk away/get angry? I didn’t get from your post whether the working away from home had now stopped, so he is at home all the time, and that’s what’s hard, or if his behaviour has got more difficult to tolerate when he does come home?

@OneLivelyDreamer apologies I wasn't clear your post was referring to our child, who is none the wiser about our issues as is quite right. She knows her dad is a bit odd on days out etc he gets stressed but to be honest we rarely do anything as a family as often DH plays a sport on weekends and DD & I have plans together. She loves her dad & I'm doing my best to make things right for her.

Sorry it's unclear, yes he has returned permanently for now & this has really exacerbated our issues I think. They've always been there under the surface but it was easier to smooth over them for a short weekend before he left for work. I am really struggling with trying to maintain a positive attitude towards/around him and I am deeply resentful for the things he has said/done but I know this is not the way towards a happy relationship so I'm trying to move past it. The problem is we can have a nice day & he will say one thing & I'm straight away on the defensive. I don't want to do a huge drip feed but he treated me really badly when both my parents died close together, not abusive but just selfish & I would never go to him with a problem or issue. I've started to think maybe I'm the problem & have considered seeing my GP re depression. But I don't know. Everything is a mess and I'm so miserable. (Not outwardly, my child would never know for those understandably concerned) .

What are you getting out of this relationship now?. What is keeping you still with your H?.

Would you want your child as an adult to be in such a relationship?. No you would not and you would surely want better for her. You cannot begin to reason with this man because he is someone who cannot be reasoned with. These types of men hate women, ALL of them.

Do not kid yourself that your child does not know that things are not great within this household. You and in turn your child are being abused by this moody and critical man.

“none the wiser”

ok just stick your head in sand op

he is moody, angry & critical of everything. A minor example of this is that me & DC aren't allowed to leave our shoes by the door. It feels stifling & I can't relax in my own home. We seem to have nothing in common, no mutual friends & no general enjoyment in life.

and you think that one child aged 12 is “none the wiser”

FGS OP

What is your definition of abuse?. Abuse is not just physical only in nature. Its about power and control.

Trying to smooth things over as you have done here is a mistake because you will be teaching your DD the same. He is emotionally destroying both you and your child here by his actions. You do not need anti depressants but separation and divorce. Again, do not kid yourself that she does not know; she likely knows far more about the parlous state of her parents marriage more than you and your H care to realise.

Your post would make perfect sense if you were the last man and woman in the world, somehow sticking together with an ever increasing loathing of each other.

I expect he struggles as much being at home after living away and having his own routine and structure and feels resentful when he comes home just as how you feel when he walks through the door and your way of life is upset.

It will only get worse as the resentment simmers away until it boils over.

Your child is 12 and will feel the coldness between you.

That's an awful environment to raise a child in. Not seeing affection and friendship between his parents will have a stark bearing on his future relationships.

Sit down and have that talk about splitting up. The relief on both sides will be great.

With respect, children of all ages do pick up on tension between parents, and on the cusp of puberty at 12, this is a crucial time for your child, where you need to prioritise their needs and your own as their primary care giver.

Share your feelings with DH, tell him it's make or break, get therapy and plan for a separation this way you are planning for both eventualities.

he is moody, angry & critical of everything. A minor example of this is that me & DC aren't allowed to leave our shoes by the door. It feels stifling & I can't relax in my own home. We seem to have nothing in common, no mutual friends & no general enjoyment in life. I see other couples on date nights & I know comparison is the thief of joy but we just don't enjoy being together. I feel on edge & he would rather be on his phone. I almost brace myself for the inevitable criticism or mood so can't enjoy the present moment which I'm sure makes me no fun to be around. Another example of this was we had a family day out & he kept walking ahead telling us to hurry up, it was like we weren't together. He takes the lead on everything & becomes frustrated with me & DC easily. We are experienced travellers & I have taken her to multiple countries alone so it's not that I am stupid, yet he behaves like I'm incapable

Re-read the above, and ask yourself why you think you might be the problem? At a guess, it’s because your self-esteem has been eroded to such an extent by his behaviour towards you that you’re doubting the evidence of your day-to -day experience with him. Maybe he is finding it difficult to adjust to not travelling and, more or less, being a free agent, but he shouldn’t be taking it out on you and your dd. Would he accept counselling? Have you ever discussed your relationship with him, and where you both see things going? Something’s got to change, whether it’s both of you trying harder to make it work (he needs to step up and do some heavy lifting with this) or you calling it a day. It’s a damaging environment to live in and although you will be doing your best to protect your dd, she definitely will be aware that there is a lot of unhappiness between her parents. (I speak as an only child whose parents were desperately unhappy together. It had me feeling like I had to make things right all the time - not a healthy family dynamic).

Thank you for everyone's responses, I do understand the concern for our child & absolutely agree it's not an ideal situation for any of us. We did separate briefly after my parents died but I think I was not in the right headspace to deal with anything properly. I don't know if I'd say it was abusive, it's his way or no way for most things but that's how he is as a person, even with his family etc and they have all allowed the behaviour. He did suggest recently going on a trip but I just don't want to and this is why I wonder if I'm the problem. I grew up in a home with extreme violence & domestic abuse so it's hard for me to identify if this is 'good enough' . I will take everyone's comments on board and try to navigate forward. My child is my absolute priority in life & I am a very good mum. I have done most of the work of raising a child single handedly for 12 years & continue to do almost everything alone now so to think I could be causing her harm is devastating.

Abuse isn't just him putting his hands on you, OP. It's controlling your behaviour with his bad moods, making you feel small and uncomfortable in your own home, increasing your levels of anxiety. And your child is picking up on this, I guarantee it. They're noticing the way you change in reaction to his behaviour.