do you think my parents [well mum particularly] was toxic?
hi ive dipped my toe onto the toxic thread many months ago,when i was having problems with my mum about bf, as kittenbaby.
a couple of you asked me what my story was and i wasnt up to telling the whole thing then, but i am now...
well i am one of three, have two older brothers, mum has always prefered the middle one,im the youngest, she really battered my self esteem, she used to tell me she hated me and that i was clean on the outside and dirty on the inside,
sometimes she wouldnt speak to me for days and she'd say you'll need me before i need you [yes i was a child ffs] and when she used to be a bitch to me she used to say yeah you know what you can do if you don't like it.
she has hit me a few times althought there was about 5 times when i was a teenager,for example the last time she hit me i was 18, and we where both in the kitchen and i was probably irritating her, the freezer had a dodgy drawer whick kept falling out, and the drawer fell out when i was getting something out, so she whacked me one in the face, i pushed her off me, she called my dad who pushed me up against the kitchen wall, she then later tried to make out that i nearly broke her finger!
i never once hit her back ive only ever pushed her off me when she was hitting me in the face, and then i get accused of almost breaking her finger.
you know i wish i could of gone back in time and i wouldnt of hit her back, i would of called the police.
i moved out when i was 16, i moved in with a boyfriend for five weeks, i never loved him, it was just a chance to escape, five weeks later i was back home as he had finished with me.
she said it was because the house was flithy [we where only there 5 weeks,and both worked fulltime id been working a month and left home straight away ]and id never keep a man,
when i told mum a few years later that i never loved him i just moved in with him to get away from home, she said i dont believe you as you wouldnt of gone away to paris with him[yes we had a mini trip to paris, so that means i really loved him ]
anyway as the years when by i meet my now dh and moved out aged about 22, she was ok with me really when i left home, like she could tolerate me in small doses, then when i became PG i felt vunerable around her again.
this was when she decided it was a good time to tell me my dad never had any time for me or interest in me.
when i said i didnt believe it was true or that even if it was true, then he never made me feel that way.
she said it must of been because she did a good job of hiding it from me
i dint feel upto asking dad about it at that point as i was feeling rough and had bleeding and cramping and thought i was going to have a mc when mum said all this to me, so i didnt feel upto or strong enough the confrontation then but i do now.
yes dad never stopped it ,but im not sure that was true, although i have decided im going to confront dad about it, otherwise its always going to make me wonder even after hes dead. and i want to give him the chance to tell me straight.
although it could cause ww3 it has to be done for my sake and dads.
also when i was PG we only told my mum and dad and pil, asked them not to tell anyone,mum had already slatted my other sil for telling everyone that she was PG before 12 weeks,so with my news mum decideds to tell fav sil, and then doesnt tell me shes told her, then when i was on the phone talking to mum about a sugar test she turns round to fav sil who was there at the time oh you never had that did you? so of course im shocked and say so sil knows then does she? then mum turns on me and has a go at me say i think youll find if you told her she would be very understanding in a really pissed off way, and she still hasnt said soryy about that, no im the one in the wrong again
she worked fulltime when i started junior school and never had anytime for me, i got really behind at school yet her and dad had no idea, its not her fault for having to work, it must of been quite hard, but she still could of made time to see how i was getting on at school.
it didnt help that she did stuff like once when i was going to a friends party after school, i said id pop round the neighbours and tell her not to pick me up,as it was the neighbour that used to pick me up from school, mum said no ill tell her, i said oh ive got time ill go round now, no, mum shouts , so anyway guess what mum forgets to tell the neighbour not to collect me so all panic sets out at the school when the neighbout comes to collect me andf im not there, so i end up the next day getting a massive bollocking from the teacher, who said it was my fault.
about three days after i had dd, i had 4 th degree tears, she was nagging me to have a salt bath, i checked with the midwife who said salt bath where not really reccommended these days as there are a bit harsh, when i very carefully told her why i was not having salt baths she got really pissed off and snapped well perhaps women where a bit tougher in my day.[give birth to dd without any pain relief, but yet im a wimp of course]
i tried to avoid the whole subject by saying hmm yes maybe, ok ill think about that etc, but she wouldnt leave it alone until she started asking directly have you had one yet? and i didnt feel comfortable lying.
also when i had to go to my follow up with the gp i was a bit upset as he said i may suffer incontinence in the future as a result of the 4th degree tear, and she said i need to get things into persective in a really nasty stop going on a bout it type way.
and when i had a flashback and thought i was in labout about 4 nights after having dd, the mw was really kind and came and spent about 2-3 hours with me talking though what happened, and said it was normal to get flashbacks after such a traumatic event, it really helped talking it though, and when i said to mum it really helped talking it though she said, i think people talk about things far too much these days. and that you can talk about things too much.
when my cousin was asking me about the birth, and said i was so unlucky with what happened[abouth the 4th degree], mum pipes up well thats just what happened to me with fav son, [no it wasnt it wasnt even a 3rd degree as she did not have to have a repair operation] i just meekly replied well i dont think it was quite the same thing.
when i was struggling to bf, she keep saying that maybe dd wasnt getting enough milk and as dd was a frequent feeder that she should be more content by now one time she actually took her off me and said she doesny want another feed [dd was crying] and said she wants a nap and put her in her pram and started rocking her, dd started crying even more, so i picked her up and fed her. dd was only a few weeks old, what sort of person takes someones NB off them telling them what they want?and she keep telling me the bf is ok if its done discreatly and is not flaunted in public, when as dd was such a frequent feeder i had to feed her in public otherwise i wouldnt of been able to leave the house for 6 months.she say comments like my sil always fed at home as "shes not like that" in other words i was a slut to bf my baby, she does have a lot of issues about bf, and she was really trying to stop me from doing it with she didnt achieve.
anyway i used to have no confidence around my family,but i have changed quite alot since having dd, i was always having others opinions rammed down my throats and mine never getting listened to or even bothering to voice my opinions before[only within my family] never at work or with friends or dh[lucky for me i have a great dh thank goodness and didnt go for someone that was also abusive and would also say nasty things to me which i think quite alot of people with my childhood perhaps would.
i used to be scared id be a crap mum because of my childhood and now i know thats not true and i would never ever say or do those thing to my lovely dd.
its like my biggest fear is gone.
the odd thing is, that mum can sometimes be really nice.
but now if someone in my family tries to tell me something i don't agree with i tell them, and funny enough they have stopped doing it so much.
and thats why ive decided to ask my dad about what she said and tell him about all of the stuff she has said and done.it could cause me never to see them again and if that happens thats ok with me i have a happy marraige and a lovely baby, and its is there loss. or dad could be shocked and horrified i really do not know.i know mum will denigh and twist everything.she has never admitted anything or apolagised for anything in her life.i think she thinks apoalgising is a sign of weakness or something.
but im 30 now and im not having it anymore.
so got any ideas how i should bring it up with dad??, i was thinking about saying something like, i need to talk to you about something, its not going to be nice for either of us, but i need to know if something is true or not, notherwise ill will always wonder even after your dead, then proceed to ask him about the comments mum made about him....do you think i should write some stuff down so i dont forget to mention anything?its gonna be hard to get dad alone