The last 3 years have been an absolute traumatic rollercoaster.
I left my ex husband at the end of 2021 for various reasons. He was selfish, constantly gambling, didn't help me with anything around the house, only talked about himself and had accused me of having an affair as I was fed up - he obviously couldn't be the problem. He had 2 children from previous relationships and we had a child together. I also have a child from my previous relationship. I practically brought up one of his children and was very very close to the other one who was older.
Anyway I left with my kids and went to my mums. It all came to a head when my mental health hit an all time low and he didn't care. He told me I had annoyed him for speaking up about how I feel and wasn't there for me. I knew I had to get out - I literally felt like it was life or death for me. I was determined not to go back. I moved in with my mum and registered for council housing.
For 3 months, my ex husband became worse and worse. Constantly accusing me of cheating on him whilst living at my mums. I wasn't of course. He would stalk me, ask my friends what I was up too. As it turned out, he was seeing another woman who he claimed was just a ‘friend’ though they were apparently sleeping together. This started after I left him. It devastated me. He ended up being nasty and I called the police. We went a long time without any contact and he didn’t see our son - he wasn’t that interested in seeing him anyway.
After a while, contact resumed between my son and my ex. My ex seemed to have really changed. He ended his friendship and was in therapy. His family and friends noticed he was being different (better in many ways) and we grew close again. I was determined again not to move back home. I knew I had to hold out and get my own place for me and my kids however me and my ex started doing things together again as a family. I began to see his children again - I had missed them dearly. We had some lovely times together.
Eventually I was successful in getting a house however it needed a hell of a lot of work. My ex husband offered to do our home up for us. This was honestly the best option for me - I ended up getting compensation off my housing association company as as it was horrific. My ex husband began to work on the house and before I knew it, things were beginning to fall apart. He was angry and stressed but claimed he was tired from working and doing all the work on my house - I was incredibly grateful to him for doing it. We had talked about him moving in when the time was right but not straight away. I needed to be sure he had changed and deep down, I knew it wasn’t looking good - however I was so in love with him…I’m an idiot I know. I was also petrified of him.
Fast forward to moving in, the first weekend we stayed there, I left. My own home. My ex husband was just so nasty to our kids who weren’t getting on great. I took my kids and left my own home. Whenever I tried to call him, he either ignored me or was extremely angry with me.
He then went off on holiday for a week with his mates….and constantly accused me of cheating on him while he was away. He had cameras installed in outside home while he was doing it up and would watch when we were home and not home. If we ever used the door that wasn’t covered by the cameras, he would question why. He also relapsed on his gambling big time. He blamed the drink on his actions while he was away.
It all came to a head when he came back off holiday. This was the end of last year. I was unwell with all the stress. He knew he was making me ill. He would still say he would change. He loved me so much. He was only like this because we weren’t living together. He would change if we were back to a normal family. But I was done. I knew I was 100000% done. He came round to drop our son off and refused to leave my home. He looked through my phone to find my apparent secret boyfriend. He threw my phone and eventually left, telling me he was going to end his life and i would have to live with his death on my hands. I called the police again.
Again, shock horror, there was another woman that he was messaging. I have no proof he was cheating on me with her but I imagine we over lapped as he cannot be alone. He moved straight in with her and her kids and within weeks - it was plastered all over social media. I was devastated. I noticed she had blocked me on social media. A couple of weeks later….on Christmas Eve, my son was introduced to the new girlfriend completely behind my back. Again, I was devastated. I had filed for divorce at this point. He was refusing to pay child maintenance so I went to cms. This angered my ex massively. He is still bad with paying it now - it's the only way he can control me.
The new year came and my ex then decided he wasn’t well mentally. He stopped seeing my son for 4 months. He blamed this on the fact that his older child wants nothing to do with his dad anymore (still doesn’t as far as I’m aware). My son has not only been through all this but has lost his sibling in the process. And I have lost my step child completely who I played a big part in raising since he was 18 months old.
About 3 months ago, my ex was back ready to play dad of the year…all because this new girlfriend is pregnant. This is the 4th child to the 4th mother. My ex just expected me to hand my son over like nothing was wrong. Like no damage has been caused. I have given him 1 full day every other weekend and that’s all. No more.
Now my ex is loving life. New family, moved into her home, new baby on the way….and a brand new car. He sorted....and now wants my son to fit into it all.
I am still struggling daily. Struggling to make sense of it all. So many scenarios from the past playing around in my head constantly. What he did, what he said. Trying to move on but feel devastated. And I don’t know why because I have no feelings for him….at least I think I don’t. J can't wait for the divorce to come through. I had a lot of messages from people when the pregnancy was announced - people checking in on me. It was nice but I was embarrassed. I don’t want to be apart of it.
He continues to be spiteful. Last weekend my son brought home a scan picture of the baby.
Next weekend I have been asked by them to dress my son in a certain colour as they are having a gender reveal. No thought to buy him his own clothes. They have asked me to dress him so he looks the part for their party. 10 months ago we were on holiday….not happily but we were. I was in my step children’s lives. I’ve lost them both. 10 months later I'm being asked to dress my son appropriately for my ex husand and his new girlfriend's gender reveal.
I’m in therapy - have been for years and I understand so much. I know my childhood. I know my trauma. I know I’m trauma bonded to my ex husband. I've done the freedom course - it was amazing. I've done many courses on self esteem, anxiety and more.
I don’t want to feel like this anymore. I want to heal and not care. Almost 3 years I have been stuck in this - longer if you add the years of being together and feeling constantly waking on egg shells.
I had a dream of being free of him. I had goals. I have completed everyone of my goals yet I still feel miserable. I haven’t actually seen my ex husband in the face since he told me he was going to end his life and it would be my fault. My family do the handovers for me - the thought of seeing him again makes me feel sick to my stomach.
Typing this out helps. I just want to not care anymore. I am really trying but today…being asked to send my son in an outfit for their gender reveal….ive just had enough.
You can tell me if I’m being pathetic - maybe I need some tough love x