Mental load re: holidays

[ThePartyArtist]

Another mental load one...
I do pretty much 100% of the mental load around our family holidays. All the research, booking, organising payments, all the details. My husband has input but I tend to go to him with all the research done and present options. When it comes to packing, I write a list for myself and my son and assemble most / all of it, occasionally handing over the list for him to pack from if I can't complete it.

His argument is he does loads of other stuff around the house which is true especially as some of it is stuff I can't do even if I wanted to.

We are stuck in this dynamic. I'm a massive planner, like to know what's happening so find it hard to delegate. He will have the rough concept but not details which I find stressful.

I was thinking of making a list for out next holiday of things that will need doing before we go, and asking which he wants to take on. Eg. Work out where we can buy groceries and how without a car; plan meal for first night eg. Book restaurant as we'll be tired from travel; work out which train from airport; book activities; find out what kids' activities are when and whether we need to book; plan what to pack; buy anything we need.

What do you think?

Good idea about the list. Sometimes they just need a bit of structure and practice.

Holidays have so many independent factors it's the one thing we sit down together and do once we've decided where we"re going. Also helps as a sense check so someone doesn't book 8am trains instead of 8pm....

But researching stuff, delegating is a good idea.

^that should say "interdependent factors"

I'm a massive planner, DH isn't. So I plan holidays. I don't see it as mental load, it's just what you do when you want to have a holiday. Don't make holidays something to argue over, they are meant to be fun. By all means delegate!

Hmm, people have very different expectations of holidays and planning. I would do all of those things as they stress me out not being done. DH would do none of those things and just wing it on the day!

You can’t have it both ways, either you do it your way, or he does it his way…don’t ask him to do it your way.

He will have the rough concept but not details which I find stressful.

But that isn't wrong, it's just a different way of doing things. A lot of people don't sweat the details - they just wing it when they get there. Sometimes that works fine, sometimes it isn't ideal (e.g. wondering round for ages as all the restaurants are fully booked) but no one ever died from that.

Now I'm like you - I like everything planned to a T and running smoothly, but I accept that if I want that, then I need to do it. To take the mental load off, I use a really good independent travel agent (let me know if you want me to PM you her details) She sorts out all the main stuff - e.g. which dates give the cheapest flights, most suitable accommodation, activity & restaurant suggestions and a daily itinerary if we want it. And then I concentrate on the packing & minor details. It's a system that works well for us, and then I don't get overwhelmed and feel resentful of DH.

I think you’ll just have to ask him what he thinks? It seems reasonable but how much is he doing re the home stuff - ie it’s a lot of admin/effort noticing the guttering on the roof needs cleaning etc alongside all the other tedious house jobs. maybe he feels the divide is fair?
If you don’t - or it isn’t - I’d suggest your proposal and go from there

Same in our house, I do all the planning and booking. At the start I ask if anyone wants to do their own research and offer some things for the itinerary. They never do. Which means I get to see all the things I want to see.

Do you need to plan all that beforehand? I do all the holiday planning as I enjoy it and DH is not fussed about going. I don't tend to iron out all the details before as I find it a lot easier to figure out things like restaurants and groceries once we are there.

I can see why it is a pressure on you but to some extent you are choosing to make it so.Can you reframe things a bit so that you can take pride in your hard work and the successful holiday that it brings about? Your DH might be happy to take o n some tasks eg booking hire car or arranging insurance but if you want things doing your way then you have to carry them out.

If u don’t like the current arrangement - how about he plans and organises one holiday, you plan and organise the next (apart from your own packing?)

I very much do this planing/booking/researching/packing role, but when I get there I'm on holiday...

'Can I have a drink?' Ask Daddy, 'Come and play in the pool with us' Ask Daddy... and Daddy does! I don't completely opt out, but I do get a break - works for us!