I've been in a relationship for about three years now and engaged for a few months but I don't feel worthy of it, and that I don't deserve any of it.
I've been nc with my mother for 12 years due, largely, to childhood abuse that started to impact my children when they became her focus too.
I've had the therapy, I've read the books but I can feel myself withdrawing from my partner because I just don't feel I deserve it.
I was married once. It was a mistake and wasn't a functioning marriage. We were friends really. We co-parented well, ran a house together well but we didn't have romantic feelings for each other and years would go by between us having sex. He eventually met someome else.
This is the longest I've been able to sustain a functioning relationship for but I feel like I'm losing my grip on it now.
I struggle to make eye contact with him some days. Today is one of those days. Not because of anything he has done but because of the way I feel about myself.
I simply don't believe he is attracted to me, which is partly why avoid him. I just feel guilt and shame. I feel foolish and arrogant. That's the main issue.
If he goes out with friends, he posts about it on fb with photos. He takes photos all the time. He rarely if ever does that with me but I know (hope/think) it's because I refuse to have my photo taken. So I know that's me! But knowing it doesn't stop me from feeling sad about it. I just think that, if I were more attractive, he'd be able to take photos of me.
He saves all of his photos to Google photos, and every day there is a 'memory' of previous photos. I can never come up in these because he has no (well, very few) photos of me. But loads of his ex who he will be seeing frequently. I'm not jealous but I'm just sad that I don't feature. I'm sad that he will be reminded of happy daywith h her but never with me. But I also know that's my fault. He doesn't even try to take photos of me anymore because he respects my wishes. But that makes me feel like he never wants to either.
Everything is tainted with that level of crap that I have imposed to protect myself and keep myself emotionally safe. But I can see its not doing that either.
I hate having sex because, rather than feeling close to him, I feel like he is just exposed to everything that is bad about me. Everything that is unattractive. I don't see how it can be anything other than a means to an end when I'm so unattractive and he isn't blind so is well aware what women can and do look like. It just makes feel shit about myself and, if I do manage to keep the thoughts at bay during, afterwards I'm plagued with feelings of shame and inadequacy.
I don't see how I can sustain this relationship. The longer I'm with him, the more my confidence suffers. Not because of him because he is lovely to me but because I don't feel deserving of it/him.
I've become so small. I spend too much time on my own. Last night, we went out with my son. They chatted about a book they're both reading and I just sat in the corner on my own. That was my choice.
He left early because he'd been out all day and was tired. As soon as he'd gone, I came out of my shell and danced with my son all night. He never comments negatively on me, never criticises me but I feel I embarrass him. He tells me he wishes I wouldn't feel that way becaise he's proud of me and being seen with me but I just don't believe it.