I can't accept that it's over and she might never come back.

[Val2207]

Hello, I'm Val and a few weeks ago, my ex-girlfriend and I decided to break up after almost 5 years. We met at 16 and are now 21, spent 2 years together in highschool and then 3 years in a long distance relationship for our studies.

More than a month ago, we talked about something : she felt she was plagued by doubts because she was scared that she might be missing things while being in a relationship. Basically she said that she wants to be able to live her youth freely, without the pressure and guilt of a boyfriend, that she wanted to know if she could still seduce other people and just enjoy her young adult years.
However, she assured me, and she is not the type of girl who lie about that, that she felt she still loved me. Moreover, when we decided to breakup, she cried a lot, said she was scared of losing me and making a mistake, she asked me to hug and kiss her, to stay with her for a bit and even almost told me "I maybe want to stay with you".

I still said the best for her was to breakup, even though personnally I still love her and want to be with her. So that's what we did. We didn't say goodbye forever and she even agreed when I said "let's just say it's over for now, and that maybe, if we feel the need, we could start again in the future".
So basically she still loves me and wants to be with me, but need the time and space to explore herself and live on her own. Which I totally respect.

But now, I'm lost. So lost. Because I miss her, because I love her, because it makes me so sad and angry to understand that I might never hold her and and hug her ever again. That one day she will wake up next to a random guy and feel happy to be with him. That her feelings might disappear for ever when she'll find someone else that will have the luck of being with her when I, the one who love her fondly, can't.

I'm not going to stop living for her, I'm not going to wait for her forever, but for now, I miss her and knowing that she is probably living freely and happily without me, that she is probably not really thinking of me anymore, or at least not like she used to, well it breaks my heart everyday. I'm going to live my life without her, and see what it brings me, but I know we might never be together anymore and that we will maybe never reunite, and that hurts.

Mate, shes broken up with you so its best you just accept that and move on.
You seem to be grasping at a lot of things she said that were most likley just her trying to let you down gently.
Its over, accept that and while its ok to be sad its not ok to be angry with her.
In a while you will look back with fondness but realise this was a good starter relationship for both of you and nothing more. It feels like the end of the world now but its not and you will be ok, you will be ok much faster if you accept its over though

Did you find your other threads about this woman helpful?
Getting dumped is never enjoyable, but focus on enjoying life.

Move on. There’s no point in torturing yourself. Easier said than done but picturing her being intimate with another man will destroy you.
Unfortunately, she no longer loves you - it doesn’t matter what she told you. She was trying to lessen the impact and make you feel better.
You don’t leave someone you love unless forced to do so. This is not the case in your situation.
But she wants to be with other people.
I feel for you and i know it’s a horrible situation to be in. Most of us have experienced a heart break at some point and in a lot of ways, it is worse than a bereavement.
The best thing you can do is to completely cut contact. I realise that is really difficult to do but it’s the easiest way in the long term to get over her.

What was the general consensus from your other threads? Did they all say "love hurts but there's nothing you can do except move on?

teenage Relationships rarely survive the transition to adulthood. As you move out into the world and discover more about yourself, your understanding for what you need in a life-partner is going to change. This is normal and healthy.

you need to let yourself experience this maturation process. Learn who you are without your girlfriend.

some day, the two of you may find your way back to one anther when you are ready. It’s also likely that you will discover she wasn’t the right person for you.

@Hoppinggreen I understand what you mean but if she did that to "let me down gently" it wasn't on purpose. I know her, I know that she doens't lie or try stupid things, she was honest with me, and maybe she lied to herself without realizing it but still, what she said to me was not lies or anything.
I know it's "healthier" to just move on and shit, but that's not how it works, I love her, and she didn't tell me that she wanted to stop for ever, there are a lot of things to keep in mind about this breakup, it's not a common "i don't love you anymore" breakup, so it's not that easy here.

@ActualChips yeah my other thread helped me a lot but things just keep on changing in my head, now I'm less in the sadness and hope and more in acceptance but still lost because I know it's not over until she says me so.

@K8ate But it's not that simple, for real I know she didn't lie to me, I know her, it would have been useless. I know she didn't try to lessen the impact or anything, if there is someone who knows how she works it's her. And it's not that simple for moving on. Because there is no "that's over.", because life and love is not the same for everyone. I don't want to wait for her, but I can't just let our love die since I'm not sure it's dead. Because I've seen people breakup, live of months or years and then coming back together and live happily like my father with my step mother, a friend of mine, a friend of my mom...

Unfortunately, you’re also in the denial stage where you honestly believe your breakup is different to all the other breakups. At the moment, you are unable to see things clearly because you love her.

You're only 21. You've been together since you were children.

Now you need to listen to her and move on. And grow up. Go out and play the field.

@LittleGreenDragons it depends, some people told me to just forget about her, some to keep faith but not focus on it and live my life, some told me that life could reunite us but only time and letting her the space she needs will tell me if it happens. I know I will not live for her and only waiting for her to come back, but I can't just erase my love for her when I know she is still not sure of her choice. You might think "no move on she doesn't love you" but she is no liar and I know that things like breakups to explore yourself and then get back together can happend, I've seen it and some people told me about it.

I'm sorry you're feeling so desolate. Losing your first love is exquisitely painful.

But you need to put it behind you. It's over. Start dating other young women.

@Hoppinggreen I know i'm in denial but really, since she didn't say to me that she wanted to stop and that she didn't love me anymore and that she will never want me anymore etc, how am I supposed to think that it's oveer for ever ?

Not really sure what you’re looking for here OP. People have told you it’s best to accept the breakup and try to look ahead rather than looking back. If you’ve made up your mind you don’t want to do that then what’s the point in posting?

OP when I was your age I had an intense first loving relationship with a very nice young man. I thought we'd last forever.

But after three years, I suddenly fell out of love with him. I couldn't bear to hurt him, but I had to end it.

He was devastated and I felt so guilty, but it was the right thing to do.

You'll get over this. But it will take time.

Honestly OP I KNOW how much it hurts, truly.

The fact is you got together and stayed together far, far too young.

I can promise you that this pain will fade and pass entirely in time. You must not keep in contact with her AT ALL for your own sake.

In a year you will feel completely different. You may always think fondly of her, or become entirely indifferent.

Give yourself space and time. The first heartbreak is the worst, and it probably won't be your last. Learn from this and go forwards.

Don't drink too much x

So she lied to herself but definitely not you?
Reading what you wrote she HAS finished the relationship and it doesn't sound like a temporary thing no matter what you might want to think.
I am sure you love her and she may love you but not in the same way and she probably will be with someone else if not now then at some point.
Torture yourself/try and move on - up to you but you do need to leave her alone

she even agreed when I said "let's just say it's over for now, and that maybe, if we feel the need, we could start again in the future".

YOU said that, she didn't. She just "agreed", probably in a "please stop and leave me alone" kind of way.

I promise you that your break up is no different to other "first love" break-ups.

It hurts a lot. But it's over, @Val2207

Your ex girlfriend has done the right thing.

I met my ex husband when I was 17, and married him when I had just turned 21...for all the wrong reasons (main one being to get away from my parents). I knew when I married him I didn't really love him, and had in fact been showing interest in other men in the year beforehand. I thought getting married would 'cure' me of this...

Of course it didn't. Our marriage didn't even last 3 years and the divorce (initiated by me) was far from pleasant. I behaved badly, because I was so immature and 35 years on, still feel extremely embarrassed when I look back at that time.

The only mistake your ex girlfriend has made is not being clearer that this is a break up for good. That I would also put down to her being so young.

My guy, she wants to go and shag around and know she can come back to dependable you in a few years if she wants.

Suggest you do the same and if you're meant to be together you will be.

It may help to think of it like this OP. Sometimes the relationship can be over even when the love isn't.

It can be over even when there's genuine love on both sides, if there's good reasons to split, like one party is married or leaving the country or doesnt want a relationship or many other scenarios. In some ways this hurts worse than a heartbreak where one or both parties don't care any more. It can seem such a waste of a promising relationship.

Let's say she still loves you. So what, because the relationship is over. Don't waste time wondering what might happen in the future. Sure people get together again after time apart, but more often people move on. Leave it in the hands of God/the Universe/whatever and live your life.Take comfort that you know that you can love and be loved.

You won’t believe this now but one day you won’t even remember her name. Take it from one who knows. X

You don't need to suddenly switch off your love for her. It takes time to get over a relationship ending. It's kind of like grief. It's not something you can suddenly get over. Unfortunately though, getting over her does need to be the end goal that you're working towards.

What she's done (keeping you on the hook) is not uncommon. It is, in my opinion quite cruel.

It's over.

She might not have lied. She probably is worried about being single and not having comforting, familiar old you who loves her so much around. It's scary going out on your own and out of your comfort zone. But the relationship you had wasn't enough to keep her. She doesn't want it anymore. She isn't going to want it again. Eventually she will want a relationship with someone but at that point she will have grown and changed so much that it won't be you she wants it with.

I did have a relationship with someone who I just wasn't ready to settle down with. He was older than me and I wanted to be young and focus on my mates and going out. I think I'm an alternate reality where we met at a different time in my life we would probably have been together and been happy. But by the time I'd reached a point where I wanted to settle down, my time with him felt like a lifetime ago. I was a different person by then and I didn't want to go backwards. I wanted a relationship with someone who I met as the new, grown up me. It wasn't because he wasn't good enough. I just didn't have the same attachment to him because I wasn't the same person anymore and he probably wasn't either. To get to the point I wanted a relationship, I had to become a different person and so there was no way for us to work.

It doesn't mean your relationship was terrible or a lie. It's just not one that is going to stand the test of time. Most teenage relationships do not go the distance and that's ok. People grow and change. I'm afraid in this situation love isn't enough.

You say you won't wait for her but unless you make the decision yourself that the relationship is over then you basically are. You have to make that choice yourself, that it is over for good now, otherwise you are wasting your life pining after her.

There are lots of people out there who are suited to you and you'll be happy with. You'll meet someone else and although you can't imagine it right now, will be glad she ended this.

It is not unusual for a long relationship like yours to come to its natural conclusion. In essence, you and her as a couple are all you know. You met at school, got together, coped with the distance of university/college and then came back together once more.

Neither of you know anything else, and it is not surprising that she wants to get out there and play the field a bit - put a toe in the water of the world of relationships and see what else is out there. It is a wise decision.

You need to respect her wisdom and look back on the solid base of your relationship together to launch yourself into the wider world. There will be lots that you have shared together that will be good experience for future relationships.

By all means grieve this loss - you would be inhuman if you didn't - but make sure you decide to grasp this opportunity of freedom and new experiences. You have a whole life ahead of you and there will be someone out there with whom you can form a more mature relationship that will sustain you and bring happiness in the future. Make a solid plan for getting out there and trying new things and new people.