Just that really - I feel so miserable and distant from DH and today has really solidified that as it’s been a rubbish day (we’ve been married just 2 years and 2 children 4 & 1). I’d been asking DH for ages to tell me what food he might like today so I could say get him a nice breakfast and perhaps we could have a nice meal on the evening.
He declined to do either and hasn’t said anything he wants to do other than started drip feeding it had been mentioned going out with his friends to watch the football, to suddenly it was definitely happening but wouldn’t discuss it or give me a definite time so I couldn’t plan anything for today as he kept mentioning how early they wanted to go beforehand. The football will involve him going to the pub where an ex of his works which was stupidly making me feel ‘something’ based on how insecure I am at the moment, but when I tried to discuss this in more of a, ‘I’m feeling a bit vulnerable, can we talk’ way, he just told me I needed to get over it. He has always refused to discuss ex partners, even from the start so I don’t know anything else.
I’ve had a stupid cry today (in front of him) because today isn’t great for me anyway as my own dad is rubbish and has ignored me out of the blue for 6 months. Upon seeing me crying, he just walked past me and did an awkward shoulder squeeze.
I get no compliments or physical affection - a brief kiss goodnight is about it. If he rarely does, it always sounds sarcastic or a joke -his whole tone of voice is strange and it doesn’t sound sincere. We probably haven’t had sex for over a month now. I thrive in a relationship when I know where I stand - I feel a shell, constantly in my own head wondering what’s wrong with me and internally wishing and screaming out to just feel loved. I feel so ugly and pointless.
He constantly leaves his clothes on the floor and blames being too tired to pick them up. I’ve had conversations before where I’ve told him it makes me feel disrespected that he still does it when it really annoys me but it continues. He refuses to iron but his idea of helping every so often is to palm it off onto his dad to do it. I do all the household admin such as meal planning, maintaining the children’s wardrobes, weekly shopping lists etc etc. He’ll wear some shoes or a jacket and won’t put them away on the chance he might wear them again but in the meantime will get out different ones and leave them all laid around. He’ll watch me make effort to say tidy a cupboard out, then when he needs to go into it, will mess it all up and leave it.
If there’s a football match on, we have had to cut short being out and rush home, he’s refused to help with the children to sit watching it or said they can only be put to bed at half time, then ran downstairs mid bedtime to carry on watching it, all before.
Parenting with him is hard now as anything we agree, he opts for the easy option and wants to be the fun dad. When you need to deal with anything, you can just see him floundering almost and he doesn’t know what to do. If we relegate some toys to the garage for space and not playing with, within a couple of days they’re back in the house as the children wanted to play with them (despite having hundreds of others!)
He won’t walk the dogs - I asked him the other day if he could on his lunch as I’ve pulled my back which he agreed to but then didn’t because it had started to rain.
It’s like having a teenager on top of 2 children’s toys and mess and I’m drained and don’t feel respected at all. He comes with the 20 alarms to get up on a morning too and I’m only just getting him to start making the bed when he’s last out. Anytime he takes the children to childcare, they’re always late because he can’t get out of bed.
If someone asked me if he loved me, I genuinely couldn’t say because I don’t know and don’t feel it but he says he does. I can’t have any discussions with him now to avoid conflict as he talks over me, rolls his eyes or leaves me feeling that tied up, that I can’t formulate a thought if that makes sense. He will always turn it on me in that I’m a nag, I have too high standards, I’m bothered by things that don’t matter etc.
All I want is to be happy. Thanks for reading my little pity party today!