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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Abusive sibling - help

4 replies

Pantaloons99 · 16/06/2024 12:41

I've had no contact with sociopathic narcissist sibling for almost 6 months. It's a relief and I feel free from the awful treading on eggshells and waiting for him to ' withdraw' my nephew because of an imagined, non existent offense. This has happened every time anyone refused to not support his horrendous abusive behaviour of others.

I have significant health problems. The stress of the narcissistic family dynamic I have lived in has not helped this. I'm now severely unwell and severely compromised. My child is Autistic and will be living primarily with father and half siblings very soon as a result of my illness. Luckily they have always had close contact and son is quite excited.

My child had a close relationship with my siblings child. After the loss of contact between sibling and I, it was very clear he was manipulating his child and keeping him away from mine online. Based on years of this, this is a common behaviour if anything was ever said or suggested that he didn't like. The children have always been manipulated.

I want total and complete removal of anything to do with my brother for my own well being. This sadly includes contact between cousins. I did not want to upset my child or manipulate him in any way but watching this and the intrusion I feel just hearing them talk online ( gaming) is too much. My child will also drop friends the minute cousin suddenly appears again having not been available for months. My sibling will only be allowing contact for his own benefit. It's not healthy and I want the entire connection severed.

I'm struggling as to how to do this, without overpowering my child and dictating who he can and can't play with. He understands my sibling has very inappropriate behaviour and won't be in our lives anymore. My son has himself seen alot of unpleasant behaviour when around him. That part he gets.

How do I manage this regards cutting the cousin away to complete the absolute no contact? Trying to explain the level of manipulation going on here is too much for my 12/13 year old to understand. I don't want to overburden him.

My sons father is very aware and says will support my decision regards there being no contact between my child and my abusive sibling. How do I manage this online situation. I need it out my life permanently and complete separation from this side of my family as my son embarks on a new stage with his father and siblings/ stepmum.

I'm too unwell and compromised to make sure my child is always conveniently busy on the days my siblings child are staying overnight with him and gaming ( 2 to 4 nights a week). I also can't control everything when he's with his dad online. I feel powerless, I want my son to have nothing to do with this hideous toxic dynamic.

OP posts:
BMW6 · 16/06/2024 17:23

Honestly OP I don't think you can, or should, ask you son to go NC with his cousin.

Your son already understands your brother is making you very unhappy, you can advise son not to drop friends when cousin appears, you can ask son to make sure he isn't being used to get at you.

I'm afraid that if you try and make son sever contact with cousin it'll backfire on you, and you have enough on your plate.

Pantaloons99 · 17/06/2024 20:21

BMW6 · 16/06/2024 17:23

Honestly OP I don't think you can, or should, ask you son to go NC with his cousin.

Your son already understands your brother is making you very unhappy, you can advise son not to drop friends when cousin appears, you can ask son to make sure he isn't being used to get at you.

I'm afraid that if you try and make son sever contact with cousin it'll backfire on you, and you have enough on your plate.

Thanks BMW. I think you're right. I so desperately don't want to be like the person I've had to cut off and it feels manipulative to control this interaction.

Thankyou 🙏

OP posts:
Pinkbonbon · 17/06/2024 20:32

My feeling would be that instead of telling him 'no contact' you make it clear that it would be might be wise to keep contact minimal. Not because his cousin is at fault but because your brother is like a poison that spreads to everything it touches.

'From my own experience, it's better to avoid people who are, even through no fault of their own, enmeshed with toxic people'.

I wouldn't stop them gaming together.
But I would say no to them hanging out together.

'You know I don't say this to be mean kiddo. But understand, my brother is really, evil. And he will use you to hurt me. And he will use his child in order to do so, given the opportunity. So it's protects you, your cousin and me if you could keep contact to a minimum. I love you and it hurts me to ask this of you. But please trust that I know my brother and what he is capable of. Just, be careful'.

Also make it clear he can talk to you about anything anytime and, tell him to be aware so as not to drop friends for his cousin. And not to share private details with him.

Also, encourage him in developing other friendships. Eg: maybe suggest he join a hobby group or sports team.

Pantaloons99 · 17/06/2024 20:56

@Pinkbonbon thanks so much for this. This is kind of what I've done so far. I've had to explain that the adult behaviour ( alot witnessed by my child towards the kids) is so unacceptable and abusive, he can't be in our lives. Sadly that means it will be difficult to see x cousin.

I desperately want the whole toxic poison ( that's how I see it), no longer infiltrating any part of my life. It's not my poor nephew's fault - but I can't save that situation. Thanks for your helpful words

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