Has anyone's relationship gone stale and you've managed to revive it?

[eleventwentytwo]

I've namechanged because I think DP knows my login - sorry this might be a long post. I feel as though me and DP are stuck in a rut, not talking about anything, not doing anything exciting, not sure whats going on really.

We had DS nearly 20 months ago and since then our sex life has gone downhill - I just never feel like it any more, we do it occasionally and when we do I kind of enjoy it, but I just feel like I'm going through the motions and would be quite happy never to do it again.

We've talked about it, but only when I bring it up. DP seems to have become withdrawn - in the evenings we talk with DS while we're getting him ready for bed, etc but once we're on our own we hardly say two words to each other, just sit in front of the telly until I go to bed, we hardly even say goodnight to each other, then he stays up for another hour or so and then goes to bed.

I think he is unhappy as well because he's been comfort eating - he told me he eats in secret when he's unhappy and I keep finding biscuit wrappers, etc in the car, in the bin, etc. I don't want to ask him about his eating because I know he feels embarassed by it and doesn't like talking about it. He is putting on weight though, which is putting me off sex even more (I know that sounds awful, I'd hate it if he stopped fancying me because I put on weight).

We spend all our free time either working on the house (it needs loads of work doing to it), or DP goes on his computer, so we rarely spend time doing things together as a family, and when we do we hardly talk to each other, just to DS. To be honest I'm prefering spending my free time with friends and my family rather than DP at the minute, and I enjoy being at work - I feel more like myself then, rather than just bored.

We had planned to TTC another child this year but we've not talked about it recently, and it'd be unlikely anyway as we're hardly having sex.

I think I just want to get some excitement back, its not as though we're arguing or not getting along, its just as though we act more like we're work colleagues! I want to get our sex life back on track but now not sure how to go about it - DP used to initiate it and I'd more often than not push him away so he's now stopped trying. I don't enjoy my evenings because I'm constantly feeling guilty about the fact that we're not having sex! We occasionally cuddle but I always worry that DP thinks that will lead to sex so I've stopped cuddling so much now too.

I've suffered with depression before but I'm not sure whether I have that again now - I don't think I feel depressed, but I just don't feel anything at all really. I keep thinking a few nights out just the two of us might help, but when we do that we hardly talk to each other and I just feel worse.

Has anyone else been through this? Is it possible to get our relationship back to how it used to be? I'm worried if it carries on much longer he'll find someone else who gives him some attention. I don't want us to split up - I want to work things out, but I don't know where to start as he doesn't like talking about things, whenever I try to talk about feelings he goes quiet. I doubt he'd agree to go to any counselling about it either.

I think this is very common. Its so easy to get into these comfortable routines where you are more like flatmates than a couple.

At the risk of sounding like a cliche, get a babysitter, book a table in a nice restaurant and have a date together.

Spend time thinking why you like him, how he makes you feel. Put effort into looking nice for him. Flirt! Try not to talk about the kids, remember fun times you had together.

Or if conversation is stilted, see a film and just hold hands...at least you'll have something to talk about afterwards.

its a hard realisation that relationships are hard work..they take attention and care and I'm as guilty as the next person of falling into lazy habits. I bet if you talked to your dh about going out on a date he'd be up for it.

Dh and I had some probs after ds - having a child alters your relationship completely, but it does not have to be a negative thing it is a chance to reinvent your relationship. Like you, dh and I were renovating a house, dh worked long hours, ds was up in the night and we were chronically exhausted. When everything that you do is "responsible" and stressful and planned it is very hard to take time out (and if you are living in a renovation site then it is even trickier!) to just enjoy life.

My most important piece of advice is this:

TURN OFF THE TELLY!!! - sorry don't mean to shout, but I mean this emphatically. Put your lo to bed at a reasonable time (8pm worked for us) and then make a late dinner for the two of you - candles a bottle of wine and a simple spag bol or something and a nice dessert. Sit down at a table and eat together and chat - about anything and everything - no criticisms, no judgements, just about stuff - try to enjoy each others company - tell you dh something nice about him - even if it is simply that you want him to know that you are impressed by what a good dad he is to your ds. You will be amazed by how quickly conversation flows if you are just nice to each other! Just allowing yourselves some time to enjoy yourselves together on a regular basis may be the first step to improving other areas of your relationship.

If you can't do it every night, do it at least once a week.

I think it is common - all the usual stuff to try.

Make a list of things you would love to do and try and do them together.

Do you talk about what you both want for the future? Sometimes we do what we think we want (doing up a house) when if fact it is not what we want.

We once lived in a fantastic huge house but i hated it (didnt really know why at the time) it was everything i thought i ever wanted but now i realise i actually prefer to live in a smaller town house and use the 'extra' money on going out and doing things rather than spend all our time doing the house or keeping on top of everthing that needs doing. Big houses are now for holidays (as we dont have to do the housework and gardening in them).

Depression can feel like you describe too, feeling nothing. Get it checked out if you think it may be the case.

One other suggestion is to take a day off work and go somewhere nice for lunch. When we were at the same stage you are at (but 3 DCs under 4!) we were always too tired in the evening when we went out. We had a fab day in London: lunch at Tate modern, walking along the river, the Globe, Borough Market and home intime to put kids to bed and then into bed ourselves. It was just lovely to potter about when we were lively enough to enjoy each other's company again. Think of something you would have enjoyed doing during the day a few years ago whether it's a big walk in the country, a matinee, even a shopping trip and see if it helps.

Good luck

Yes. We have many times. We've been together forever and have been through all kinds of phases, some better than others. But I do have a feeling that we might be at the end now. Someone said on a thread yesterday that some relationships do just come to a natural end. I think that's happened. But we'll see. Not very unhappy. Neither is DH. And we have 3 DCs so no-one's going to do anything drastic. DH is always out doing something or other and the truly awful thing is that I don't care.

So, yes you can revive a flagging relationship if there is something to be revived. And it sounds as if there is for you. Good luck. I do think that making an evening for yourselves and having a good long chat helps hugely. See each other as partners not just parents.

I agree with the others

plus

TALK TO HIM (sorry to shout!)

But there is no point in you sitting on the sofa every night worrying that he is feeling a certain way. He could be worrying about something quite different. You need to get your feelings out in the open and agree with him how to move forward.

Re the sex thing, I really think that you need to just grit your teeth and start having sex again. The more you have the more you want! Agree that turning off tv very important too. You need to get some interaction going between you, not just sit staring at a screen all night. It is SO easy to fall into this trap. So knock it on the head now.

Thanks for all your advice. We have tried to sit in the dining room table and eat dinner rather than in front of television, which lasted for a few days and then we both seemed to prefer to watch repeats of Friends than actually talk to each other! We just didn't have much to say and ended up rushing our dinner so we could do something else. He's never been much of a talker - I'm a fairly quiet person but I still seem to be the one doing all the talking, so I find it hard work when its all one way. And I'm finding little things are irritating me - the way he eats, the fact that he's so messy, etc - they're probably things that annoy most people at some point but because of how things are at the minute its making it more difficult for me to want to spend time with him.

I just want him to talk to me - I try to talk about our relationship, but it just ends up with me talking (a bit like I'm rambling on here!) and him saying literally nothing so it feels as though we never resolve anything. It feels a bit as though I'm making all the effort and he's not trying - he doesn't pay me compliments any more, no valentine's card, no birthday present, no plans for holidays unless I go out and find us a holiday, look in his diary to make sure he's free and actually book it for us. I do try and compliment him and I'm constantly trying to think of ways to improve things but it feels as though he's not bothered. I'm sure he is, but he seems happy to just carry on and ignore the problem.

I don't think there is anything wrong with telling each other what you need to make your relationship work. you might need more attention and compliments to feel attractive and more willing sleep with him.. He might need his ego massaged a bit too, or to be admired.

Its all about communication. if he's the silent type you will have to plug away until he starts opening up.

it sounds as if you are willing to put the effort in, as long as you tell him he needs to as well.