Devastated by my sibling

[GorgeousLadyofWrestling]

I’ve just come back from a family funeral and once again, messed up in the head by my brother.

I will never understand what I’ve done wrong and it makes me so sad. I feel like I have to grieve for the loss of him over and over. I’ll try to keep it short with the salient points because it’s a lifetime of head fuckery.

He has borderline personal disorder and regularly implodes, hurting a lot of people along the way. He gets things into his head about people and then reacts like they’ve done something awful. We were messaging ok last year but then his tone changed - I could sense a change in him and I was anxious about seeing him but really hoping he would see me and realise we were cool and want to hang out with me.

He refused to see me at all during my five days there and left for without stopping by to say goodbye. Just left. I feel so hurt.

The things he’s done to me over the years:

• strangled me with a long phone cord when I was 15, his friend intervened.

• launched himself on me, trying to kiss me and touch me - I was 22 and completely headfucked and ashamed

• knowingly took my keys with him when he stayed with me in my city, leaving me locked out with no one to call for help. I was 17, it was winter, and I stayed in a police station over night because I didn’t know what else to do.

• abandoned me in France when we were out there with friends. He drove off with his friends and left me stranded with no means of getting back because we had driven there. I was 16.

I went through a long period of not having contact but in recent years, there’s a dynamic of my mum pandering to him because he’s so touchy and hard to deal with, yet she’s willing to do anything to keep a line of communication open as at times he is suicidal. When I try to casually ask about him, she says she doesn’t want to get involved because I am so annoyed by him. This is not true - we’ve had times of being ok with each other so I don’t know where this narrative comes from. I feel left out, like a pariah, because he’s able to reject me and hold me at arm’s length despite it being him that’s been horrific to me over the years.

During my stay for the funeral, I tried to casually see him - nothing heavy, just hang out. He basically avoided all interaction or simply left if I turned up where he was. The day before I was going home, I suggested to my mum that we meet up with him for lunch. He texted back to say they’d left for a trip. I just burst into tears because I can’t comprehend how you can not say goodbye to your sibling. It’s likely to be years before we meet again as he lives abroad.

I feel so hurt and let down. Like I am being made out to be the problem when I don’t think I am. I don’t think there’s any salvageable relationship with him - and I don’t even really understand why I want that after the things he’s done - but I just don’t know what to do with all these feelings. He’s done awful things to my mum over the years and so she knows what he’s capable of and yet I feel like I am treated like the trouble maker.

I don’t really know why I am posting. I just feel so hurt. I knew there was something wrong and I was putting myself out there to reach out to him in some way, but he’s completely rejected me and it feels so cruel.

I'm sorry but he sounds like an absolute psychopath. Why would you want to spend time with somebody who has gone out of their way to try and kill you, be sexually inappropriate (to his sister!!) and repeatedly put you in danger. My own brother would never have done any of these things. I gently suggest you need some therapy of some sort to unravel your feelings around him. Does your mum not see how awful he is?

I am sorry OP, this is very sad. You need to ask yourself why you want a relationship with a violent man who has not sought help to stop the impact his mental illness and behaviour has on his family. You are, indeed, the problem here, or rather your hopes are as you are wanting him to change and be the brother you want and always wanted but this will never happen. You need to move on and see him for who he is. I am sorry, it is such a shame but it is his loss, you have tried.

Well, your brother is not well (he appears to have an official diagnosis), so is this behaviour not a consequence of his illness? Why would you think it is something you have done wrong, OP? He may need help and support but, equally, if you feel that this is too difficult then you absolutely have the right to stay away from him.

Let him go OP. He seems to get a kick out of hurting you. Mental health issues or not- he sounds vile. I'd make it out in my head as if I didn't have a brother or he had died. Prioritise your own mental health and well-being. Don't let him into your life at all.

Have you had Counselling OP to help with this ? He sounds a very disturbed man and these behaviours you've cited are not normal and not OK. It's OK for you to be angry and frustrated and NC with him. I wonder what your parents did at the time to support you ?

But I suspect now you're looking for some kind of acknowledgement at least from him about what he's done. I'm sorry to say he won't do that. You need to reconcile yourself to that. I have an ex who won't acknowledge some of his failings and continues to " punish" me today. I'll never get anything from him and I have to accept it. It does chew me up from time to time but I have learned to accept it with the support of a good counsellor.

I’m sorry but why are you chasing after him to have a relationship? Why can’t you just accept he has significant issues, understand what he can offer and just do that on your terms.

personally I’d go nc. But I get that isn’t something you want, but this chasing after him isn’t healthy

Sorry OP but you're expecting rational and normal behaviour from a person who is (and always will be) irrational and abnormal.

You can't change the way he is. It's how he is wired up.

You CAN change how you are affected by him.

Do so and be happier.

Why do you want to see him @GorgeousLadyofWrestling ?

He's been absolutely horrible to you over and over again. The fact that you've not had to spend any time with him this time is surely a blessing.

My Dad is a deeply unpleasant human being, although nowhere near on the scale of your brother. I'm always hugely relieved when he doesn't show up to family occasions.

It’s confusing and difficult and sad and so many emotions that it is no surprise you find it so difficult to untangle them, but what jumps out to a complete stranger is almost a textbook abusive relationship. Maybe if you just say this, or do that, then maybe this time he’ll be nice to you, maybe this time he’ll like you enough to give you what you want from the relationship. I’m willing to bet there’s a huge amount from your childhood that you either aren’t willing to talk about or don’t quite remember.

He’s never going to give you what you want. That’s heartbreaking and you are going to need time to grieve. But whether he acts like this because of mental illness or because he’s just an abusive prick, you’re not going to get what you want from him now.

Move on. Grieve and say goodbye to the idea you had of that relationship, but move on. It’s not you. It’s never been you.

Thank you to everyone who’s replied.

For many years I had no contact with him. Like a PP described, in my head I no longer had a brother and I was able to be happy. He’s never met my children or husband and I kept it all separated.

I don’t know why I wanted to reach out to him now. I think deep down I feel let down and hurt by my mum having a relationship with him. It’s complex and confusing feelings. I also feel left out. I can’t explain myself at all.

After everything he has done, he’s now rejected me and it just feels awful. I agree I defintely need therapy to cope with these feelings because I can see it makes no sense. But today I feel so devastated - perhaps because I am realising there is just no way to have a relationship with him but he’s my brother and I love him, and it feels horrendous.

@TheHorneSection i cross posted with you and definitely agree.

Sounds like trauma bonding. I have a vile sociopathic narcissist brother. It's taken 40 plus years to cut contact. Now I see everything with absolute clarity.

You know what you have to do. This douche will never ever change or be good for you. He has to be permanently removed from your life. I don't even know what this stupid BPD diagnosis is they use. He sounds insane, psychopath, sociopathic narcissist at the least. You must keep away from these people, they are incredibly dangerous but especially so when you continually forgive and allow them in.

He will never ever change or ' get better '. Stop hoping for the impossible.

I have a brother like this, I made the decision years ago to go NC, you should too. Put him behind you, don't ask after him, let it go and you'll be happier. It's not you, he's broken up and you can't fix him x

You're still holding onto the hope that he'll change and you'll be friends Op, sadly, PD suffers don't change, not unless they're willing to engage and take medical help and even then it's doubtful. Your DM will defend him because she knows he'll always be her DS but a troubled man, whereas you live a full happy life,even though that doesn't seem fair to you

Reframe it as he isn’t capable of having a normal relationship, it’s simply not in his kit bag/capability. Protect yourself from him. My sibling is also similar, I’ve been ghosted many times, for slights that I have no idea about. I’m now very LC, very hurt from the ghosting, they have changed history and is very manipulative, their spouse has no idea what’s true or not and seems under their spell. My parents won’t get involved and walk on eggshells, the siblings feelings are more important than me.

try not to take it personally, they are not going to wake up with a conscious one day.

It’s not trauma bonding, which includes much more complex dynamics, reward abuse etc,

op you do need to see a therapist. Your brother has significant issues,,and I’m afraid so do you. I’m sorry. Different issues but signficant all,the same,

maybe something in your child hood,I don’t know, the focus should be on why you behave like this, why you crave fo be involved with him and how you can progress to a healthy mindset.

@GorgeousLadyofWrestling Im so sorry to read what you have endured at the hands of your brother.
My son has asdp and some of your experiences sound similar to mine. Please believe me when I say that the only thing you can do is step back and look after yourself. They will not change for you or anyone, and in my experience they need to crash completely before they even consider any change. You can’t change your brother, so focus on yourself and put yourself first ❤️

Very bluntly, you have to adjust your mindset here.

You absolutely cannot expect any kind of meaningful relationship with him ever. Personality disorder/MH issues are no excuse for the behaviour you described.

Cut yourself off emotionally
Don't see him ever again
Don't message him
Don't try to get info about him from others
Live your life with the people that do love you and make you happy
Behave as though he doesn't exist

And stop blaming any of it on yourself/your behaviour/thinking you can fix it. You can't. You must accept you have no brother or you will not be able to move on.

@Greentreesandbushes yes that’s exactly how it is, as you’ve described. He invents all these things that people have supposedly done and punishes them for it.

A few years ago our dad was very unwell and really struggling. I rushed home to help him and my step mum and was really shocked at how bad things were for them. I messaged my brother with an update and suggested very lightly that if we could, perhaps there was a way to pool our finances and pay for private care as the NHS was moving very slowly with his treatment. He said he couldn’t afford it and I didn’t raise the subject again.

That translated in his head to telling my mum I was calling him several times throughout the night, demanding money off him and harassing him. It really wasn’t like that at all.

This week, when my mum asked him why he wouldn’t see me, he said he needs peace in his life and deserves to be with people who accept him.

It’s all just too much. I feel so misrepresented and misunderstood and it all feels so unfair.

Cut him off already.

He's a nasty little psycho and he might have borderline personal disorder but it's no excuse for the way he treats you.

Draw a line under it op and move on with your life. You'll be much happier if you do and with a bit of therapy.

@GorgeousLadyofWrestling I don't know what the source of his behaviour is. I think BPD is a cop out the medical profession use when they don't really know. Regardless, his behaviour is incredibly damaging, toxic, abnormal and I don't see this is ever going to change. You'll never ever make sense of this manipulation or understand it. There is no making sense of it. It's been going on for years.

The only power you have is to completely detach from it, from him. Stop questioning yourself, he's dangerous.

I have tolerated all sorts from family because I grew up in a very messed up, dysfunctional narcissistic family. I have been in counselling for years and years. It has taken me to get to 45 to cut contact with the sibling.

I agree that you need counseling to see all this properly and to understand why you keep going back.

I have every sympathy with your situation, it took me until 5 years ago to cut contact with my sibling, they are selfish, manipulative , demanding and I wasn’t willing to let my own mental health suffer because of their drinking .

they were making me ill, I had been at the doctor, everytime my phone rang I flinched, every holiday I had been on for about 6 years had been spoiled as they would phone needing help, nowhere to stay, police involved. So I decided enough was enough and blocked them on every avenue I could and I feel so much happier without them in my life.

Cut him out of your life and don't look back.
My brother used to beat me....he was 6 years older. He was patronising and nasty. Haven't spoken to him for years and don't intend to either

OP you need to see a councillor this is not ok. Your bother sexually assaulted and physically assaulted you and shown extreme cruelty to you.

Go no contact with both your mother and brother as she has spent a lifetime of enabling this behaviour towards you. He hates you but you are still trying to forge a relationship with him. This is because your head is so fucked up because of what he has done and your family has allowed 💐

Honestly fuck him. You will never ever be able to reason with him. Who cares if he has what ever label they have given him. He is nasty piece of shit and you need to cut him out of your life

Please get some counselling