To feel like I’m settling for my partner?

[Thepanicyears]

Has anyone ever felt like they’re settling? I’m 26 and been with my boyfriend for 5 years. He’s very loving and a genuinely lovely person however for the last year or so I’ve felt something missing. I don’t look at him and think he’s gorgeous, our sex life is lacking as there’s minimal effort on both sides and I’m starting to fanaticise about other people. Sort of like we’re more friends than anything else. Do you think this is a long term relationship feeling that can be worked on or do you think to stay would be settling and I could be happier elsewhere. To break up would be difficult. We have a mortgage etc and I worry about starting over but I don’t want to regret this long term.

Any advice would be appreciated

At 26 I strongly advise you that there are better men out there !!

don’t regret the way your life has worked out in a decades time …

Easy to sell the house 🏡 not easy to get these precious years back

That’s my fear. I’m very much a people pleaser and it’s far easier to stay I suppose where it’s comfortable but I don’t want that regret. Thank you for your advice

Let him find someone who loves him, not someone who is settling for him. Nobody deserves that.

You were really young when you got together. I'm a year older than you and shudder at the thought of still being with the people I was dating when I was 20. I reckon it's possible that you were good for one another then (as only just adults) but you've grown apart and become different people.

Have you tried to have the conversation about sex?

I think 26 is very young to commit to a life of little sex, and living like friends/roommates. If you've given it a fair shot and it's still not working, don't fall for sunk cost fallacy. You're still young enough to completely start again

Definitely end it. So much easier now than once you’re married with kids. It won’t be nice but in a few months things will be better and you’re so young, if you feel this way now imagine in 10 years time.

Also I think truthfully once the wheels have started falling off like this, it is very hard to get it back. It makes sense if you're married, older, have children to consider etc - but not at 26 with the only tie being a house. It can be sold.

If you wait until you're into your 30's and still feel the same, you'd be starting again at a much worse point than you are now - especially if you want kids

At 26, you shouldn't feel like this.

It's not right. Be brave enough to start again! Be the brave, passionate, authentic exceptional person you want! That isn't meant to sound mean but I'm 54 and I know I settled for a man who was controlling and didn't really ''see'' me. I did that out of fear. I should have been braver. Brave enough to be single! Why did that scare me so much. Figure it all out before you have kids.

Thanks for your replies. I feel like such a chicken I can’t imagine actually doing it. It’s horrendous to upset someone who’s so invested isn’t it

Best to just rip the plaster off OP!

I was with someone for 3 years between 22 and 25 - loved him but knew it wouldn't work long term. I reckon I started realizing this by about 18 months in but stayed out of fear.

When I finally did it I drove away from the house I'd been living in, with all my possessions, singing - I felt much freer without that crushing 'this isn't right' weight on top of me.

I can't pretend there weren't moments of doubt afterwards but I'm so so glad I did it!

Before you make the jump do lots of work on yourself.

Comfortable is not a bad thing necessarily.

Going for thrilling, exciting encounters can fizzle out very quickly.

What can this man offer? Is he prepared to level up? Is he emotionally available, is he kind? Does he have the same dreams as you about the future? Do you feel safe with him? Is he will willing to do work on himself?

When you’ve been with some one a while you can out grow them if they don’t grow as well and it can feel stale.

But There is more to being in a committed healthy relationship than just thinking he is gorgeous. Looks fade - so will yours when you have a baby. But you’d hope the your partner looks beyond that.

Spend sometime working on yourself and then speak to him about how he feels. He might actually feel the same and instead of chucking everything in you might be able to create something newer.

P.S dating is not what it used to be. Dont think the grass is greener on the other side. I’d never advocate staying in a dead relationship but to me this just sounds like you both need to work on yourselves

I would agree with @Barefootsally Perhaps you can discuss with him and see if you both can do something to rekindle the flame before giving up? I don't say you must compromise, but all long-term relationships hit a plateau at some points and I think this is a challenge to see whether you are really meant for each other.

STOP TALKING HIM DOWN. Sometimes I think we as women are so quick to put men down. Clearly the relationship has been worth it to be in it. Have you actually had a discussion with him about how you feel? Maybe he feels the same? At 26 are you getting side tracked by instagram and tiktok relationships that are not even real?
Why throw away something you've invested in? Is he abusing you? cheating on you? treating you well? Many women are fine with relationships were you both make effort, some women want the man to make all the effort.
It's your choice, but why isn't working things out the first strategy?
Maybe if you both did a hot date night and reintroduced something back into the relationship? commit to doing new things.

I have been with my man for ages, and yes things become abit boring/ routine, but we make an effort to keep it fun. The core of a LTR is stability, trust, reliability.

Go to the world on app dating and you will regret leaving your guy. You will get messed about for years to come.
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