Advice re. family member

[niadainud]

Looking for advice.

I have a close family member whom I find it very difficult to get on with, or even to like. They are an evangelical Christian, an anti-vaxxer and pretty much a conspiracy theorist (talks about distrusting mainstream media, etc.). Other than this they are also rather arrogant, and any potential arrangement invariably involves some sort of negotiation so they get the best "deal" (whether it be in terms of cost or effort/convenience) which I find really tiresome.

We fell out when I lost patience with them proselytising about their various beliefs, and have barely spoken for the last few years.

However for various reasons I'd rather not be in this situation and wonder if anyone manages to maintain better relations with a relative who holds very different views on the world (and thinks they're superior for holding them).

Thank you.

Let it go over your head. Smile and nod. You're not going to change their views by arguing with them, although when they've said their piece for a bit you could try changing the subject. It's hard to keep it going if no one takes you on.
A phone call with the TV on and the subtitles is very useful for letting someone rant for 20 minutes before asking them what they've been up to, or whatever.

Thanks @Pocketfullofdogtreats. I guess I need to bite my tongue, but the stream of links to articles and YouTube videos was relentless at one point. Have definitely used the trick of doing something else while on the phone and just making the appropriate noises.

Exactly that!!
TBH, the phone call I would avoid, but a trip to the kitchen, then the bathroom and also have the TV on.
The good thing is they wont convert you as you are strong minded and that counts!!
I have a BiL that talks total BS its his way or no way with the immediate family etc but with people he does not see often, he is a different person. We used to arguse all of the time and my OH and his OH inc our children told me that I was looking as bad as him. Since that day, when he chats, my response are to "what do you think." I say, I don't know, hold on I'll be back and go off to the loo/kitchen for a mom and he is busy chatting rubbish to others or quiet. He will never change as he is in his mid 60's and always been like this

The trouble is I just don't want to spend time with him. Everything he says makes me cringe. He sent out a message asking everyone to pray for him because he was trying to rent out a flat and this was clearly the next "part of the puzzle" in deepening his relationship with God. Wtf? Is this how religious people really think - that their life is so significant and meaningful, and "everything happens for a reason"? I don't mean to be offensive, but it just makes no sense to me.

I have a brother like this. Sadly no one in the family wants to see or speak to him now really.

It hasn't reached that stage (partly because other family members are also very religious) but it hasn't gone without comment and I know some less close relatives don't have a very high opinion of him.

Any other tips? 🤔

If he won’t agree to keep his beliefs to himself then don’t have contact.

Well that's essentially where we are at the moment, but I was looking for advice on how to resolve the impasse.

I'm not very good at "duty visits" and fortunately I don't have many people in my life where a visit would feel like a duty, but in this case... (Plus it usually involves me traveling for almost two hours to their home, and I was even asked to take my own sandwich on one memorable occasion.)

Isn't it possible to meet up with him as part of a bigger family group only? My brother is unbearable in many ways, but is easy to ignore when we all get together. That way, you are visiting but don't have to listen only to him

Yeah my brother. I just say ‘dickhead’ in my head and zone out when he is talking

Possibly, yes. Although I would like to repair the relationship a bit if possible.

Haha! 😂 How many times do you find yourself saying that per visit, on average? 🤔

You are very judgmental of his beliefs so how do you expect to have any relationship with him? This is a you problem. He doesn't want to change, is evidently quite happy the way he is, so it's really up to you to find a way to either accept him or just stay away. I think he must have made peace that everyone might not agree with him judging by how confident he is to express his beliefs so it's up to you to let it wash over you or distance yourself.

You might just need to embrace diversity. Imagine if your family member was coming out as transgender? Would you be accepting or would you be a bigot?????

I will admit to being judgemental, but I would have bitten my tongue if it hadn't been shoved down my throat so many times.

I suppose it's a similar thing. I would be accepting, but if the conversation revolved around being trans all the time that would get tedious quite quickly.

Then it sounds like distancing yourself is unfortunately the only option here. Otherwise you’re bound to get wound up.

you could try and communicate that you respectfully disagree with a lot of his views and they upset you so you hope to have a relationship without talking about x,y and z. But sometimes you just need to learn to take people as they come, even if you don’t agree with everything they think/say/do.