Should I just suck it up or stick to my guns, mum trying to force relationship with gp

[Romanmosaic]

Sorry this is long but I’m really down about it.

ive never really been close to grandparents but my mum is very close to her mum and thinks I should be too. GP live abroad so I don’t see them much and when they come to the uk they never let me know they’re here themselves. My mum always texts saying her mum and dad are here in the U.K. and demands to know when I’ll be visiting to see them. As in expects me to see them.

the thing is I have no relationship with them and I also live far away from my mum, my mum texts every year on their birthdays at 6am saying you need to text them. I’ve asked her to stop doing this but if they say they haven’t heard from me on their birthdays mum texts me again in the evening. Thing is I don’t want a relationship with them. Since my dc was born I’ve realised how uninterested they are in me or my family. This year they even forgot my dc birthday (by forgot they usually send a text). When I have text them to say happy birthday they say things like like about time we never hear from you. I feel like their respondes are a bit rude. My other gp are nothing like this and they also live very far away. They phone every month send dc presents and cards and I never feel ‘under pressure’ to maintain a relationship. It’s just easy and I am in touch as a result.

theyre in their 70’s if that makes a difference, I feel like they’re the retired ones, I have 3 jobs I’m barely having time for anything me and yet they’re moaning because I don’t contact them when I feel like they could pick up the phone here and there themselves if they want to know me. My other grandma phones and if I’m busy working etc asks to speak to dc instead and just feels more like a normal relationship,

anyway… gp are over in the uk over the next few weeks and as usual dm has text me to say they’re here, I don’t want to see them tbh and don’t know how to navigate this as it happens every year. I don’t want to offend my mum should I just go and smile or should I say something to my mum? My mum will always take their side and I know the snide comments about never hearing from us await.

how often do they come to the UK?

how far in to their 70s? So….

presumably you’re not very close to your mother either?

because otherwise it would be a

“mum we have no relationship really from either theirs or my perspective, and i just don’t have the time or inclination to schedule this in”

Considering they live abroad I think you'd be silly to 'say something' or make a point about not wanting a relationship with them. It would create drama and upset for no need. You ALREADY don't really have a relationship with them.

Just send the obligatory text on birthdays/Xmas/when your mum reminds you. Don't expect anything back from them. When you get a no-notice invitation to see them in the UK just respond with 'oh no, I'm so sorry I really can't make it mum, this week I have xyz' [reasons]. Then text them to say really sorry I've missed you this time, hope you have a fabulous visit though.

It's really fairly minimal to keep everyone off your back. Imo that would be far less stressful than trying to make some point about going NC as it's very clear your mum would be unlikely to accept it.

although kicking up a fuss re one birthday text a year Op is childish and daft

I think if you want to have a good relationship with your Mum then I’d just make some effort for her sake as otherwise she’s probably getting caught in the crossfire. It doesn’t really take much to send a birthday text does it? At the very least you could do this.

You are overreacting here. Just send them a birthday text on their birthdays and go and meet them when they come. I wouldn’t expect my own grandparents to particularly know about my children’s birthdays, much less send cards or presents. They’re your children’s great-grandparents!

I dare say that @Romanmosaic is actually hurt by having such disinterested GP, and for them to forget her dc, their GGC was probably the last straw

its lazy to jump to childish and daft in this scenario, but I accept that if you don’t have a shit family dynamic, you’re not going to get it

i don’t have this family dynamic thankfully

but there’s a lot to be said to just a happy birthday GP once a year and then responding to mum… “done” and then giving them zero thought for another 364 days of the year

I do send birthday texts but sometimes I’m at work & can’t use my phone and then haven’t done so by the evening so my mum will remind me again. I think she should just leave me to it. I have said as much but she doesn’t. I haven’t mentioned them forgetting my dc birthday to anyone and haven't made a fuss, I added that for perspective that they expect me to phone them but then it would be unacceptable for me expect them to phone me to have a relationship. Seems so one sided in comparison to my other gp.

I don’t want a relatIonship with them as I just don’t like them tbh but I do care about my mums feelings and don’t want to cause bad feelings to her but at the same time I do wish she’d understand it’s my choice not to have a relationship. My gp are 73&78.

you make it sound like their birthdays are a weekly event op

as for not wanting bad feeling wit. your mum, then talk to her and say that on both sides there isn’t much of a relationship so you won’t be seeing them but you will send happy birthday texts if that makes your mum happy

I think you just text back and say "sorry mum, I've got a lot going on right now and I don't have the time or money to be able to do a visit. Very sorry but maybe next time."

Then if she writes back or calls, just keep saying you've a lot going on. You've got 3 jobs and no time and barely making ends meet. If they want to come and visit for lunch one day then you're able to make some time on Tuesday at noon or whatever. They won't come.

I'd agree with PP trying to make abig deal of it atm about their lack of interest etc is probably not worth the aggro. They do not make an effort or have a relationship with you. And you are a busy working parent who has no time either. That's all really.

“Sorry mum I’m working 3 jobs so won’t have a chance to see them” and done

@MzHz yes it’s that really, I’m hurt and maybe I’m putting it across badly but I genuinely have a busy life and I don’t particularly like them so l and would be fine sending a text if I didn’t get replies like we never hear from you.

and if they reply like that, you shrug, delete message and get on with your day until next year’s birthday message